The Peacock 1074

 "What was your father's line of work?" say I

"He was CFO of a network of internet providers.  Then he got into crypto currency, was found out by the authorities for doing some things that were not considered legal and from there..."

The young man seems awkward and uncomfortable and this clearly must be embarrassing to him.

"I heard about it on the BBC", says Carl.  It was just over a year ago?"

"Yes,."

And now I really feel it is time to rescue the young man from Carl's obvious lack of tact.  "Do you plan on recontinuing your university studies?"

"I am studying some courses online.  I was going to major in business management, but I find psychology much more interesting.  I live with my aunt now, since I had to give up the apartment that my father had purchased for me, and she is kind enough not to charge me rent, so with my earnings in real estate I am still able to pay for some classes."

"What would you say about the current real estate market in Greater Vancouver?" says Carl, who still wants to push the boundaries.

the Peacock1073

 We are in a Starbucks, with limited seating due to the pandemic and we are drinking our americanos from paper cups.  As Carl goes over the papers and begins signing his name here and there I find myself engrossed in conversation with Will our real estate agent:

"You are probably the youngest real estate agent I have ever met", say I, "But I also have to admit that I have never known a lot of real estate agents in my life."

"Next month I turn twenty-two."

"Is there a story there?" says Carl without looking up from the papers he is signing.

"I got into the business thanks to my aunt who lives in Vancouver.  I myself moved here from Taiwan three years ago to begin university."

"What happened?" say I.

"I ran out of funds.  You see, my father is, or was, very wealthy.  He is now under investigation and unfortunately all his assets have been seized or frozen and it looks like he might be facing prison time."

"What happened?"

"He has been indicted and convicted for committing fraud."

"And so your funding for school got dried up."

"Exactly..."

The Peacock1072

 "You may call me Will", he says.  His English is lightly accented and I am curious about him.  How long has he lived here?  Is he from China, Hong Kong or Taiwan, which would be three rather distinct entities.  How did he get into the real estate biz, especially given that he couldn't be older than...twenty-two?  We have just had another tour of the house, and really, it didn't seem as bad this time.  In fact, but for a few minor repairs and some paint, it could be inhabited right away.  And it turns out there are twelve bedrooms, not ten, or at least twelve rooms that could serve as bedrooms.  Carl appears to be driven by some kind of exterior force, as though he is under divine mandate concerning this house.  But he is acting very decisively here.  We have agreed to do the paperwork in a café nearby, walking distance, which is fine because I really want to move my legs right now...

The Peacock 1071

 I have never known any multimillionaires in my life, much less have one for a friend, even less as a best friend, though given that we have known each other a bit more than a week, maybe that would be stretching it.  But Carl and I both seem to be in it for the long term.  One might almost think that we are becoming more than friends, but here it is very hard to say, plus, Francois is something of a wild card.  My friendship clearly is with both, but Carl and I seem particularly fused to each other.  We are turning now into Queen's park, just  a couple of blocks from the house.  I really can't imagine why he'd want to buy this place.  We have just turned a corner passing a couple of particularly sumptuous Queen Anne Specials, and there is Wee Willie Wang waiting for us on the front lawn....

The Peacock 1070

 "We would need the whole day, and we would probably miss the one o'clock ferry anyway."

"We could stay overnight at the Empress then have high tea there tomorrow afternoon.  "Let's go."

"No."

"Why not."

"Lots of reasons", say I while savouring a  mouthful of pancake and syrup, "One, you are upset and in shock about your mom and should be taking it easy right now, two, I don't have a change of socks and underwear with me, neither do you, and we don't want to attend high tea feeling gross, and three, it would be unfair to Francois who would likely feel abandoned."

"Correct on all points as always, brother Christopher", he says with a slight moan.  His phone is ringing and he picks it up.

"Hello?...  yes, fine thanks....yes, I am...when?...today...I don't see why not...We're in Richmond right now, we can get there in an hour...okay...Thanks."

To me, he says, "That was Wee Willie Wang, the real estate agent.  He wants us to come see him today at the house again and then sign some papers."

"You're buying it?"

"I am buying it, Chris", he says, reaching for his credit card and signalling for the waitress...

The Peacock 1069

 The Pancakes are delicious, whole grain with nuts and smothered, in my case in boysenberry syrup and Carl is having his drowned in maple.  Lunch fit for a diabetic coma, and despite the upset of his mother being almost gravely ill and in hospital his appetite appears robust as ever.  In fact, he could easily compete with our friend Carol for prowess in recreational gluttony.  He hasn't said anything about his mother since leaving the hospital and I feel too discreet and compassionate to want to bring her up.  What remains open is how are we going to spend the rest of the day.  Carl wants to take us on a long tour drive of the entire Lower mainland of Greater Vancouver, and maybe stop somewhere that is quiet and in nature for a walk.  I couldn't agree more.  Then suddenly he says, his eyes lighting up like two candles in the dark, "Chris, I have a brilliant idea.  Let's go to Victoria..."

The Peacock 1068

 Astrid Maria Vancoevorden cannot receive visitors right now.  Her condition has been upgraded to stable but she is still on the ventilator and is in a medically induced coma, likely until sometime tomorrow, and Carl has been asked to try again on Friday, which is two days away.  Everyone, us included, is wearing at least one medical msk, in our cases two, because the covid security didn't deem as aceptable the washable cloth masks we came in wearing.  On my suggestion we are going into Richmond Centre for lunch, and it is only a ten minute walk, so I have persuaded Carl to leave his van in the hotel parking lot for now.  having taken off our masks, we appear to be the only two people walking around outside bareface, as though we are two rebel kids trying to make a point.  And of course, it is difficult if not impossible to get covid outside, but everyone seems to be hobbled by fear.   I know from personal experience how beneficial walking can be when we are feeling sidelined by grief.  Naturally it would be nice to have more attractive surroundings.  I really do agree with him.  Who would ever want to live in Richmond?

The Peacock 1067

 The hotel clerk is a young woman, Filipina I think, small slim and wearing a perpetual smile.  She can only be likable, probably has always been likable and I feel instantly reassured that Erik, and Carl's mom are in good hands.  She graciously receives the bag of books and chocolate bars and art supplies, promising they will be delivered to him this very morning.  Now, I wait for Carl as he takes his turn.  The desk clerk's smile has faded, and he appears to be tarrying, to get information.  He looks terribly worried as he returns to where I am seated, the bag still in his hand.  He sits down next to me on the sofa and I know he needs help.

"What happened?"

"They're all in hospital.  They got very sick overnight and none of them can breathe unassisted."

"They're in hospital."

"Hooked up to ventilators."  He sighs deeply and says, "Welcome to Canada."

"Are they at Richmond General?

"Yes."

"It's just a five minute walk.  let's go..."

The Peacock 1066

 Three big lindt chocolate bars for Erik, his favourite, dark chocolate, white chocolate and chocolate with orange.  When he was living with Greta and me he would often bring these home as a treat to share with us.  I have also selected three bars, same flavours, for myself, and to try to overcome the temptation of greed and selfishness by sharing them with Carl and Francois when we get home.  For his mother Carl has selected a tin of Walkers shortbread.

"Why would anyone ever want to live here?" says Carl, on our way out of the store.

"Beats me."

"And I've never seen so many Asians in my life."

"A lot of people came over here from Hong kong during the handover in the nineties and shortly after.  There is a huge mall around here dedicated to Chinese stores, restaurants and goods."

"Just one?"

"Could be more."

"Why did they all move here?"

"A lot of them also picked Kerrisdale and South Van.  I really don't know why."  And now it is beginning to occur to me that my Dutch friend just might be a little bit racist after all.  Plus I have to suppress my instinct to call him out on it, because really, there is no way of knowing for sure, and under the current circumstances it would be like hitting a child..."

The Peacock 1065

 This last portion of our trip we have both become quiet. There is something about crossing the Oak Street Bridge that changes a conversation, or ends it, or begins a new one.  Richmond is so different from Vancouver, all flat, industrial, agricultural, residential but bland, grey, beige and desolate.  I am not even tempted to look at my phone but to stare out at the brown waters of the north arm of the Fraser River underneath.  Along Garden City Way things appear still a little bit green, but the open fields and pastures are already mostly eaten up by housing and condo developments, as though they are almost embarrassed that anyone would want to grow food on this, some of the world's most fertile soil.  This is a municipality that does not deserve to be called a city, and if  Richmond is a city, then it is a city without a soul.  

On Westminster Highway we approach the hotel parking lot and we are able to stop near the front entrance. 

 "There is a London Drugs nearby, less than a five minute walk", say I.  Maybe we could stop there to pick up some treats for our people."

"That sounds like a good idea..."

The Peacock 1064

 "Has this happened often?"

"About every couple of months or so.  Any time there was a crisis or she was under a lot of pressure that would be her way of venting."

"Has she ever seen a psychiatrist or any kind of counsellor?"

"Never in her life, or not as far as I know.  Wait, she and dad both had to have some sessions with a court appointed psychiatrist during the divorce proceedings, but neither of them appeared to take it very seriously.  It's hard for me to say because I was just thirteen at the time, and simply trying to cope the best way I could."

"What are you going to do with her once she's out of quarantine?"

"I think I will leave her in the capable hands of my sister."

"Shouldn't that be a lot for Melissa to have to take on?"

"I know I'm not being fair.  But here I am, the good son."

"I really am starting to wonder how and where Francois and I both fit in here."

"As am I.  Yes, Francois.  He appears to be the only adult in the room."

"aAnd he is younger than us both by far."

"That he is, dear Christopher, that he is..."

The Peacock 1063

 "That would have been September 12, 2001.  I remember because it was the day after the twin towers were destroyed by aircraft hijacked by Muslim terrorists in new york City.  The infamous nine-eleven.  I was just recently back from my summer here in the mansion and was just nineteen at the time.  I heard some kind of banging around happening downstairs, it woke me up, and I said it was around 2 am.  I went downstairs and there she was, cleaning the stove from top to bottom.  She said this was a symbolic form of praying for repentance and cleansing for the Islamic terrorists and for protection from a global conflagration.  In the meantime she was singing, hymns but also a lot in tongues.  Then she proceeded to the fridge, emptying out all the food and proceeding to wipe the shelves and interior clean, which she claimed was to pray for protection for the people of the United States and Europe, while praying in tongues, and that there be no disruption in global supplies of food.  Then Mel came down and almost screamed, "Mother, what do you think you're doing!  God already heard you the first time.  now come up to bed."

"What did your mom do then?"

"To my surprise, she obeyed Melissa, put her hand in hers, and silently and meekly let my sister lead her back up to bed, and to this day, my sister is the only person she will listen to.   I of course was left with the job of putting everything back in the fridge, and I rewarded myself with a huge snack of leftover chicken, scalloped potatoes and chocolate cake.  I feasted like a prince.  It was delicious"

The Peacock 1062

 "What would you say about your mom's mental health."

"Bat shit crazy."

"Seriously?

"Yeah, i'm afraid so.  I'm worried about all of us right now, Mel with her autism and me with my own issues of trauma, and now here is mumsy,  all ready  to make life even more interesting."

"You guys have been through a lot."

"All of us", says Carl. "That' s why God has thrown us together."

"Do you expect that she's going to stay?"

"With my mother you never know.  She is stubborn, iron willed and devious.  And super, super fragile.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if she winds up cracking in the next couple of days."

"Has she before?"

"Yes, I would say, though she's always hidden it well.  There were times in Switzerland she would become an obsessive cleaner, repeatedly scouring the sinks, and the floors and the counter, and I don't mean just after mealtimes but every quiet moment she got.  When we called her on it she said that for her it helped her centre for prayer."

"Obsessive compulsive disorder."

"We really got concerned when on several occasions, she woke us up in the middle of the night with her nocturnal cleaning rituals.  That was when I asked her about getting professional help.  Naturally she refused and said that she was being called to watchnight intercessory prayer, and that's why she was up scrubbing the kitchen clean at two in the morning...

The Peacock 1061

 "How is your mom?" say I.

"Coping stoically.  No histrionics in our last couple of video chats."

"You said she tested positive for covid?"

"She somehow got through Swiss and Canada Customs both.  I don't know how, that woman is a wizard at getting what she wants."

"Has she been vaccinated?"

"Refuses.  Says all vaccines are a satanistic plot. I couldn't even use polio or smallpox to sway her."

We are flanked on both sides by the blazing spring green of the new leaves of the forest and the young grass on the golf course.

"How is she holding up otherwise?"

"Not well, at all.  She was coughing a lot when she got off the plane and complaining of shortness of breath.  I think they are going to have to hospitalize her.  She did get irate when I mentioned that.  To her even all doctors are Satan's spawn.  She would rather rely on God through prayer for her healing and will have none of our common sense nonsense about medical practitioners as instruments of God's Grace.

"Has she always been like this?"

"Only in the last couple of years or so.  It's scary."

The Peacock 1060

 "That music is just heavenly", says Carl.  "Bach?"

"Handel's music for the Royal Fireworks." say I

"Good pick for breakfast music", says Francois.

"You know something else", say I.  "When I was rummaging through Dad's cd's I came across Rachmaninov's Third piano Concerto. "Guess who the pianist is?"

"Not Van Cliburn?" says Carl.

"Our own Carl Barlow-Mead."

"Why don't you play that instead?"

"That's evening music.  I'll play it after dinner." 

"Any word from her", says Francois.

"Mel says she's happy, eating like the dickens and playing lots of Mozart and Beethoven." says Carl.

"That woman really knows how to eat", say I.

"I have some news", says Carl.  "Mom and her friends arrived a couple of hours ago and now should be on their way to the hotel."

"Where are they staying?"

"Richmond Inn."

"That's where Erik is.  I'm going out there to deliver him some books and art materials after breakfast.  Would you like me to select some extra books for her from Dad's library?"

"Sure.  in fact, we could go out there together in the van.  Francois?"

"I have to look for a job."

"Fair enough", says Carl wistfully.  "Fair enough."

The Peacock 1059

 Breakfast is a bit of a free for all.  Carl was up first and left the Shreddies out, so now Francois and I are pouring ourselves each a bowl of Shreddies as we join Carl at the table.  I rather wanted boiled eggs this morning and Francois asked me to add a couple of extra in the pot for him.  Carl has prepared and cut fresh fruit for everyone and now he is rummaging in the fridge for cheese which he is now slicing onto a plate for everyone.  I have just put on one of Dad's classical cd's, Handel's music for the Royal Fireworks.  And Sheeba the cat has returned to haunt us, now taking her place in the empty chair next to me.

"We should invite Chelsea for breakfast some morning soon", says Francois.

"Agreed", say I.

"I want to ask her about Geraldine Bang-Bang", says Carl.

"Do you now?" says Francois, arching an eyebrow.

"I'm sure she would be only too delighted", I rejoin.  "Hey, no feeding the cat at the table", I bark at Carl as he slips her a slice of cheese.

"Yes master."

"And don't you forget it."

The Peacock 1058

 I am left all alone here in the living room.  They have both gone up to bed, and I still  just want to sit here.  I feel lonely now without my friends seated here with me.  I should be in bed getting to sleep but I simply cannot move, this recliner chair that Dad used to find refuge in every evening just won't let me go.  I could easily fall asleep here.  Francois has just ceded the bathroom upstairs to Carl, and they have wished each other a good night.  Noise travels fast in this house.  It will be very hard for anyone to keep secrets here.  Francois just said that he loves us, Carl and I.  I don't imagine he is coming from any place of gayness. I am persuaded that he is quite heterosexual.  Perhaps asexual like me, if my gaydar is reliable, and often it is not... It is hard to say.  We don't play games here  Fair enough.  But maybe a night of Scrabble or Monopoly?   We do have both and other board games here in the house.  Maybe tomorrow night.  Yes, now I am on my way, finally, to bed...

The Peacock 1067

 "You don't think you would have done anything else with him", say I.

"The thing is, I was not particularly turned on sexually.  But he was cute, beguiling, and wanted me, and of course being naked just made him all the more intriguing.  But, no, I know I would have just bored him to death about my magazine, or the political situation in Afghanistan, so that within thirty seconds, and no action forthcoming he would have yelled "Next", and gone off with the next contender.  Which is basically what happened anyway."

"So, what you're saying", says Francois, is your time in the sex trade has put you off sex...permanently?"

"Long term, anyway.  But you know, and I hope this doesn't gross you out, Francois, but I didn't even have an erection.  But he did.  And I really don't know what this dog would have done if he had caught the car he was running after.  Oops, pardon me, it was a parked car!"

"You guys", says Francois rolling his eyes.

"I understand that for you, Francois", say I, "being the straight male among us, that this could be a little awkward for you sometimes."

"I simply wish sometimes that you would both grow up a bit.  But that's not important.  What does matter, is you two are the first men I have ever really loved.   And you know something else?  After all the crap, the politics, the secrecy and manipulation and blackmail and mind control at the monastery, here I am with two Christians with whom there are no games.  You might one day realize what a gift both of you are to me..."

The Peacock 1056

 "And that's all?" say I.

"I  haven't left anything out this time", says Carl.

Says Francois, "You know Carl, you really make me think right now of a dog chasing after cars." 

"Parked cars", says Carl.

"So what would you possibly do if you actually caught one?"

"Not a fair question."

"What's unfair about it?"

"Okay, it's a waste of time.  Had I actually caught up with that guy at the beach today I probably would have talked his ear off about, I don't know, the pandemic, or whatever.  And no, he was not wearing a medical mask, or anything else..."

The Peacock 1055

 "He disappeared into one of the forest trails, and I followed him, but somehow lost him.  Then, I came down to an area with a bit of beach and a grove of trees, and there was my lover boy, getting sucked off by some blonde guy he must have just found.  He looked at me, grinned, and asked me to join them.  His paramour suddenly said, no, no threesomes, then resumed blowing him.  So, I retraced my steps, got dressed, and then tried to find my way up the trail.  Then I phoned you..."

1054

 "Is there anything we can do for you now", says Carl.

"Thanks", I reply.  "It's already done.  I think now I can begin to feel reconciled."

"How do you feel now."

"Okay.  Tired.  Drained.  How about you."

"Me?" says Carl., smiling sheepishly.  "Fine."

"So you survived your first visit to Wreck Beach?"

"Oh yes."

"And you've told us everything?"

Carl replies by fidgeting rather nervously.

"Spit it out, brother", says Francois, and I am relieved to hear him speak.

"Well, I didn't have sex with anyone."

"But you did take off your clothes", says Francois.

"And...?" say I.

"It was still pretty innocent.  This young guy, naked as I was, walked by, smiled and winked at me. And we kind of stared at each other, even as he walked past, turning his head to take me in.  Then he smiled again, and motioned with his head for me to follow him...

The Peacock 1053

 "That's interesting", says Carl.  Francois is silent.

"Aside from rather a flop of matrimonial relations with my wife, he is the only sexual partner I've ever had.  After the third time, he followed me home.  He had been sleeping in a tent in the gay section of the beach, in between tree planting contracts on Vancouver Island.  Dad was away for a few days on retreat, but I wouldn't let Chuck sleep with me.  He slept in the den on the hideabed, then the next morning, after giving him breakfast, he went away.  I never saw or heard from him again.  Curiously, he did apologize for taking advantage of my vulnerability, as he called it.  And he was right about that.  Even if I did sin by consenting, I felt lured into his trap with him, and very much taken over by him.  I never said anything to Dad about it, nor that I had entertained a house guest in his absence   That's always stood as a bit of a wedge between us, I'm afraid.

"That you had to keep that secret from him," says Carl.

"That, without my father's consent or knowledge that I allowed some random stranger I'd had sex with to sleep in his house without his knowledge or consent."  And now, for the first time ever in life, I am undergoing contrition and repentance, and tears are streaming down my face.  Francois is still silent...

The Peacock 1052

 "Bedtime" says Carl.

"Agreed", says Francois, stretching and yawning.

"Shall we pray first?"say I.

"Don't see why not", says Francois.

We are seated, quietly, each with head bowed where we re sitting.  Yes, I am still feeling the Presence, not quite so strongly, but something has definitely opened in me.

Carl says, "Chris, you are needing to get something off your chest.  I keep getting this image of a man, brown hair, moustache, somewhere in his thirties, and he seems to be telling me that you need to say something about him."

"Australian?"

"Could be.  I have no way of knowing."

"That would be Chuck.  We had sex together three times at Wreck Beach more than twenty years ago..."

The Peacock 1051

 I was impressed with how quickly he composed himself, but just then I caught just a faint whiff of scotch on his breath.  He probably had a bad hangover, and he certainly wasn't going to be for me the only Anglican cleric who also happened to be a lush. Alcoholism has long had pandemic proportions among Anglican clergy, and for a few years I happened to be one of the victims.  Further on I will give you an account of my rehabilitation and recovery, but for now let's stick with the old lush running the theological seminary.  After he caught his breath he mentioned that I was enrolled as Kevin Wilson, and as far as he was concerned, Kevin Wilson I would remain.   This I took as a slap in the face.  I had registered not as Kevin, but as Karen, and that with the bishop's blessing, I sputtered in his face.  I was then told that His Grace had no jurisdiction here because we were now in a different diocese.  But I had an ace up my sleeve.  I was on very friendly terms with the chaplain, and he was totally good with recognizing me as Karen Wilson.  But I didn't have to go to him because, as it happened, the next morning, word got out that our noble provost had been felled overnight by a devastating stroke, possibly brought on by his drinking and maybe hastened forward a bit by me, from which he was to leave this mortal coil just ten days later....

The Peacock 1050

 "And I happen to be a woman."

"What", said the provost, "brought you to that conclusion?"

"I explained to him how, from childhood, I never felt nor could really identify as male.  That I only identified with the other girls in school and in my neighbourhood growing up. That I had to struggle and fake being a boy, and of how difficult and unforgiving this was growing up in a small redneck town.  Of what a farce marriage and fatherhood were, especially given that had I the option, I would have very happily carried each of my three sons to term nside my own body, given birth, and nursed them from my own breasts.

He asked me if I was homosexual and that was when I completely lost it.  I roared in his wizened face that sexual orientation had nothing to do with my gender identity, and that otherwise not to expect me to dignify with a reply so ridiculous and puerile a question.  Then he became particularly angry, his face turning such a deep shade of heirloom tomato red that I was afraid he might drop dead of a stroke right there in the office with me.

The Peacock 1049

 "So are you going to read to us, or what?" says Carl.  "It's closing in on ten."

"We can do a short quick read.  I'm also feeling the night.

"My second day in seminary, and everything was beginning to look promising, but then I was called to the provost's office.  He is no longer with us, and even then he seemed ancient, I would imagine already getting on for eighty. A tall, slightly stooped and rail thin man with an amazing mop of snow white hair and black eyebrows that sat on his forehead like decorative caterpillars.  Through his dark rimmed glasses glared two very intensely blue eyes that missed nothing.  A force to be reckoned with. He copped a very broad smile as I came in and invited me to sit down.  The kind of smile that a politician would wear as he launches his reelection campaign.  "Good morning, Kevin, I understand you are just settling into the life and program here", he began, when immediately I corrected him.  "My name is Karen", I said.  "That is rather interesting", he replied.  "Karen, I believe, is a woman's name.  But seated here before me I see a young man.  "

"Who you see here is actually a woman, no longer young, at least not that young." I said.

"On your records here, it says you are thirty one. I must admit that to a man my age, anyone younger than fifty is young"

The Peacock 1048

 "So how is our Swedish friend?" says Carl.

"Coping.  Tomorrow morning iIm bringing him some books from Dad's library and some art supplies.  It's not a good arrangement for him.  He suffers from depression.

This second chapter of karen's memoir looks interesting.  "Facing the Judges", it says.   "Oh one other thing.  Erik also has given me news of Greta, my ex.  It turns out that she's quits with her second husband.  Guess who has replaced him."

"Lindstrom?" says Francois.

"That was lucky."

"Doesn't take a genius", says Carl.

"And one other thing.  Apparently Erik's claim of coming here for his phd is bogus.  He is simply trying to get away from his sister and her beau.  Apparently he's been in some kind of danger from them and is trying to escape."

"No surprise that", says Francois.

"He mentions that even though Lindstrom whould be at least sixty by now, he really looks hardly a year older than twenty years ago."

"Now that is creepy", says Carl.

"Or", says Francois lazily, "he has a good plastic surgeon..."

The Peacock 1047

 Even though he sat in the shade he was completely naked, plus he had a gigantic erection that he made absolutely no attempt to conceal from me.  I stood there paralysed.  He gestured to the space next to him and said, "Come on over."  He had an accent.  Australian.  And after standing there stupidly staring at his gigantic member, I slowly, shyly made my way over to him. He was very handsome, longish dark brown hair, clear blue eyes and a mustache concealing full sensuous lips  There is a first time for every thing, I reasoned, and as I took my place next to him wondered however was I going to explain any of this to Dad.

Odd, after such an intense and beautiful encounter with God that here I am, while seated with my friends in the living room to read a bit more from Karen Wilson's memoir, that I am remembering in lurid detail, no, reliving in lurid detail, my first ever sexual encounter.  It may be prudent to say something to Carl and Francois, but not yet.  It still seems too soon for this.  But God also feels present, strongly present, and I think He is walking me through these memories.  For healing no doubt....