My clients and I are not friends. This isn't to say that we could never be friends but friendship does not work within a professional arrangement. When a client mentions to me the F word I always have the same answer. I tell them that friendship with me is not a burden I would want to wish on them. They would be every bit as obligated to have to bear and support me in my problems and complaints and this is something I would not wish on them. Friendship can get messy. So can professional relationships. Especially when boundaries collide. I have learned to treat my friends more like clients and my clients more like friends but always within certain, of course, professional limits. It usually works. Unless I am careless.
In my profession as a mental health peer support worker I am engaging with people who are generally very vulnerable and certainly not at their best. Today for example one of my clients left the café just after I'd bought our coffees. I would find this very difficult to tolerate in a friend and it certainly wasn't easy to accept from my client. As I was contemplating a fitting punishment for him on my way from the café I saw him coming back to apologize and explain that he wasn't feeling well. Of course I accepted and forgave and walked him to his home where we parted with the best of mutual good will. I recently had a falling out with three individuals and I have already documented this misfortune in earlier posts but I can't help but wonder if I might have shown them a more professional kindness, even though they were, in a way, friends, but they also each live with mental illness.
With only a few exceptions one must never let down one's guard around others. To cultivate a friendship where we are so mutually safe and accepted is really a very rare thing in life and if it ever happens for you then you are truly blessed. Even within families unconditional love is a very scarce commodity.
Of course I have to treat my clients with care and exceptionality and for many good reasons. They are vulnerable and very fragile and there is going to be a power imbalance between us. They carry enough sorrows and burdens already. They don't need any of mine on top of their own. I want them to do well in their journey towards recovery, therefore the focus is going to be entirely on them, their goals, their needs and their hopes and wellbeing. I also want to keep my job. Of course because it is my revenue. I want to stay off of welfare, pay my rent on time and eat well as well as put away some money for a vacation. But that is not the only reason why I want to keep my job or why I work. This occupation for me, and for anyone who is good at what they do in their work, I treat as a calling and a ministry. Like any fully functioning human being I have a need to nurture and care for others. On the other hand I do not take my clients home with me, not literally or metaphorically. When I am off work, once the paperwork is finished, and the phone calls and the emails are done I am MIA as far as clients are concerned. I have to have time to rest, keep my life together and take care of myself if I'm going to be any good at my profession.
This doesn't mean that I never worry about my clients. It is possible and healthy to care about someone without being preoccupied with them. I also understand that whenever a client commits suicide it is very traumatic for his primary caregivers and support professionals. This has never happened to anyone under my watch but there have been a few close calls and yes, this has been for me very upsetting and close to traumatizing. We who work as caregivers are human beings. If we didn't feel these ranges of emotions while working with our clients and patients I would dare to say that we are either severely burnt-out or we are sociopaths.
Yes it gets messy at times, but the professional boundaries are sacred and they are there as much for the clients' wellbeing as our own. In fact, I would venture to say that the boundaries are even more for the clients' because they are the vulnerable party. We do not bring our friends' or family to work with us and we do not bring our clients or patients home with us. But if we want to do well with both spheres in our lives then may I suggest that we carefully and selectively borrow from one and lend to the other while respecting the integrity of our roles in each other's lives? How about a client who can feel safe, accepted and cared for with us? We can actually enjoy each other's company, laugh at each other's jokes and find ways of brightening each others day. You would be surprised how often this happens for me in an average work day. And conversely, how about if we are gentler with our friends and loved ones, more patient with them, placing on them fewer expectations and showing more consideration towards their tiredness, weakness and vulnerability? I'm going to try it. How about you?
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