Spiritual Autobiography: Summary, 4

Living as a Christian in a world and society that does not acknowledge my values has not been a cakewalk. I think this is true for everyone who wants to be faithful to Christ, or to whichever religion they adhere to. In my case, I had my introduction to the Christian faith in rather unusual circumstances. The Jesus People were at turns hippies, revolutionary, puritanical, fundamentalist, paranoid. They had to come to a conclusion and the Children of God cult performed the mercy killing. But still, I had been given, bequeathed something that I knew I had to carry on. It was more than a legacy. It was a living torch. Only, I wasn't carrying the torch. I was the torch. Here I was living with a mother, and briefly with a father, who did not share my values: they were materialistic, acquisitive, selfish, and unconcerned with others outside of their clan. They were not bad people, but there was clearly a huge clash of values and of motives between us, and legally I was required to live with one of them till I was eighteen. Both were involved in non-marital living arrangements, which was clearly against my values as a Christian. My father was an alcoholic and I somehow had to obey and honour him. I have since come to realize that when he abused me as a child this forfeited any claim he could possibly have over me as his son. Likewise with my mother. I chose not to judge their lifestyle because we had to coexist, but also because I saw how important it was to be kind. I think that this acceptance of others is something that I partly owe to living with my parents as a Christian learning to care for and show kindness to people who didn't share my beliefs or values. It's been on the whole quite a difficult life for me. It was particularly difficult sourcing adequate employment and to this day I still don't know why, except that I could not use making money as my sole motive for working. I wanted to work in occupations where I could express values of love, care, compassion and justice. Since my financial and life situations made it almost impossible for me to complete any post-secondary training, I had to settle with low-paying contracted positions in home support, and now in mental health peer support. Rising rents and a shrinking paycheque have made it all the harder so it was no wonder that I was homeless for a while. But Christ has always been there with me, not to make me richer, but to care for and provide for my daily needs. Even though I came close to hunger at times, I never once went without adequate food. Even though I was homeless for ten and a half months, every night I had some kind of roof over my head and a bed or couch to sleep on, and I never once had to turn to emergency shelters for help. I know that in my case god has called me to live simply and entirely dependent upon him. Not an easy way to walk in a world that is made up of greed, competition, avarice and indifference towards the needy. It isn't simply that I chose to live this way, as insisted one rather stupid fundamentalist I was once friends with. Rather, liking it or not, this is the direction that God has taken me in. He has closed to me one door after another where I might have improved my income and employability. I do not begrudge him this. But it is also impossible to explain something like this to any atheist or unbeliever who judges me as lazy or unwilling to work. I have worked hard all my life and God has chosen to lead me on a specific path that has nothing to do with material or career success and everything to do with meeting Christ and witnessing to him daily in simplicity and poverty. For a while it was grinding poverty. But he was there, with me and for me. Now my circumstances have improved a little. I am still officially poor, but well provided for and able to travel every year. My life is very simple. I almost never go out for dinner or to concerts or shows or whatever. It isn't just that I can't afford to, it is more because I need the quiet time for prayer, rest and reflection. This is what restores and enables me to carry on in my work with people living with mental health issues and addictions, and this is what also prepares me for my small acts of social justice. My family is dead or they have all abandoned me, and in that sense I am very alone in the world. But I would like to believe that I till bear that inextinguishable light of Christ as I seek to live out his life and teachings in the place where he has put me, loving this world that I am not really part of without coveting its dubious treasures.