I guess we all ask ourselves from time to time if we are happy with our lives. I try to think that the glass is half full, or, that things could always be worse. I did ask this question to a friend who is the same age as me. The way I worded it was, "Are you happy with the kind of person you have been turning into?" My friend smiled rather smugly and said yes. Now this same person also has mentioned that he is the most important person in his life, and that poor and marginalized people do not matter to him. at all. They are poor and on the streets, according to him, because it's there own fault. He is a rugged individualist and everyone must pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and if they don't have a pair of boots, well, that is not his problem. And he is happy with himself. Well and good. and I am particularly glad that I am not him. I also wonder why we are friends.
So, am I happy with the person I have grown into? I have none of the benchmarks of success. I have never owned or driven a car, never owned my own home, and have never earned a living wage in my life, nor married and raised a family. My own family is all gone, leaving me quite alone, and this in itself is a mixed blessing. While it does get lonely at times, I no longer have to cope with relatives who do not like me. My friendships could be more stable, but everyone is so self-centred and spinning in their own orbit now that it is virtually impossible to establish with others a cohesive sense of community.
But yes I am happy with my life. My health is good, and I live in a decent apartment. It is small, yes, but being subsidized by the government means that my rent is around seventy-five percent less than it would be if I was living in a market rental. There are downsides, of course, but life is always going to have downsides so we had might as well get used to it, eh, Gentle Reader?
My work, though underpaid, is meaningful and usually enjoyable, plus the hours are flexible, meaning that I don't have to get started too early in the day, and have also plenty of time between appointments and meetings to indulge in long walks through beautiful neighbourhoods and parks. Even though I am set to retire in a year, I will likely continue with a couple of contracts part time, at least as long as my health and vitality hold out, and more to keep me connected to others in situations where I can help and serve, than merely for the paycheque.
I have friends, both here and abroad, and two of them I will be staying with respectively in Colombia and in Costa Rica this February and March. Could do a lot worse. Because of my cheap rent, and my willingness to do without luxuries, I am able to save enough money to travel like this every year.
My fridge is always full, often too full of good food. This at a time when a lot of people are having to resort to using the food bank. And my health, generally, seems pretty good. Right now anyway.
There are things I am lacking. Having no family, and having never married or had kids does make life rather a solitary experience. And even though it is rather nice to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to, I sometimes feel that living alone has also made me rather selfish. My friend who is happy with his selfish self is for me rather a wake-up call, and I am reminded that no one is complete in and of themselves, but we all need the support and context of one another in community.
I suppose that my Anglican parish church is a good place to begin, for community, though it does present it's WASPy challenges and there are times I get quite disenchanted with some of those selfish bourgeois that I share a pew with every Sunday. But I also think they are doing the best they can, and they do for the most part seem to welcome and accept me among them, even if I might never be considered quite one of them. But it's better than nothing. A lot better.
Whatever happens, whatever has happened, I am here. It isn't what I have or haven't accomplished or gained, but the fact that I am still around, that we are still around, and that we, like every other living thing on this earth, are temporary. Every moment is a gift, a precious gift, not just for my enjoyment, but also my employment, to love and to serve as much as to carry on with this brief little flame that is my life. One little flame among many.
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