The Peacock 1525

I am the only one up this morning, and I am holding vigil at the kitchen table, mug full of hot strong coffee and plate with three slices of toast and a jar of peanut butter and a jar of strawberry jam. I might go to church. It's Sunday. St Jude's maybe, or maybe the united Church down the street, or st Anselm's Anglican across the way. I haven't been to a proper church service in a while. I seem to have slept enough. Before the episode with Jesús last night I had already had nearly six hours, since I'd gone to bed early, and then another hour and a half for catch up. All good. I might wake him up and invite him to church with me. I did promise to spend the day with him today, and yes, without thinking further, with toast and jam and peanut butter morphing into a disgusting mass inside my mouth, here I am at his door, knocking lightly...

The Peacock 1524

"I could never imagine sex with Juan. We were too close, even if he wasn't straight." "That says it all." "I think you're right." "Listen Jesús. Ever since I saw you the first day of my retreat I have liked you and wanted to know you better. Here is our opportunity. What do you think?" "You are right, Chris", he says yawning. "I am sorry I was a problem for you. It won't happen again." "How about tomorrow we spend time together. Just you and me." "I would like that, yes." "Me too. Now let's go to bed. Our own beds." We are both smiling.

The Peacock 1523

Anyway, I am very sorry that happened. He was killed by narcotraffickers, wasn't he?" "He was killed by devils and worshippers of devils", says Jesús grimly. "He learned about them. And he was writing about them. They killed him just before he finished writing the article. But now I have it. Juan was afraid this might happen so he asked me to keep a copy in my archives. The devils suspected this and started sending me threats, so I had to leave Colombia, but they caught up with me here." You were very close to Juan." "We were like brothers." "Would you say that you were so close, that even if sex was possible, it would never have needed to happen between you?"

The Peacock1522

Are you still in contact with anyone you have ever had sex with?" "No." "Some connection. How about your best friend in Colombia?" "He is completely straight. That would never have happened between us." "But you are connected to each other." "He is dead now. I told you about it in the big house." "Yes. I seem to remember now...

The Peacock 1521

It isn't sex you need." Jesús stares blankly at me from his side of the kitchen table. He still smells of alcohol but appears to have sobred up. What you're really looking for is connection. He is picking at the muffin on his plate. It is now 3 am and we have been at the table here the last five minutes. "What do I need?" "connection." That's how I get connection. Through sex." "Does it work very well." "Not always. Sometimes." "No. never."

The Peacock 1520

What I really need to do is pee. I don't suppose I would wake him if I come and go quietly. This must be the house with the most basic and utilitarian bathroom in the neighborhood, though I can't say that I have visited other bathrooms in the neighbourhood. Never had Dad been one to put up pictures or other decorations in here. The walls are white. The tile is white. The toilet, sink and bathtub are all white. As the toilet is flushing, and naughtily forgetting to wipe the toilet or wash my hands I slink back to my room and find that jesús has moved to the bed where under the covers he is faking sleep. I seat myself in the wicker chair. "We have two options", say I. "Either you will get up and return to your room. Or I will go sleep there." He doesn't seem about to budge. But now, as I am getting up and going towards the door, he is suddenly up and squeezing past me. I smell alcohol. "Jesús, is there something we are needing to talk about?"

The Peacock 1519

I just dreamed that I was in a footrace and that I was the only one running barefoot, but I was also the only one prepared to run through kneedeep water. Okay. It's 2:18 in the morning, and I suddenly realize I am not alone. I see in the dark a silhouette in the wicker chair. I reach for the table lamp and it is Jesús, sleeping with his head cocked to his right, snoring softly. I don't know what to do about this. He shouldn't be in here, but I don't want to wake him either. He appears to really have a thing for me, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think he would be so bold as to climb into bed with me, and seriously, part of me wouldn't at all mind....

The Peacock 1518

Now I know just what it is about Erik that I find frustrating. He is just so completely selfish and self-centred. A typical ablist little Nordic ageist and racist demigod. Yes, what he is going through is hard, and I wouldn't wish two weeks confined to a hotel room on anyone, but he has to start clueing in that it is not all about him. Of course, living with us here, especially around Carl and Francois, he will have no other choice. it's either change or get out, I'm afraid. And here I have to start separating between my feelings for him, which are very tender, loyal and loving, and the reality that he is one immature, privileged and entitled spoiled little Swedish brat. But he is also in danger from Greta and Lindstrom, and this has to invoke pity. Please Lord, don't let me become an unyielding overbearing church lady monster with him. But he has to start growing up. And it looks like we, Carl, Francois and I, are going to be the ones to make this real for him. Well, someone has to do it, I suppose, and we still have to unravel this whole dark, tacky and scary mystery surrounding everything here. At times like this, I really miss Dad...

The Peacock 1517

Erik has sent me a text. "Can't sleep right now. Busy?" I phone him. "Hi." "I am bouncing off the walls here. And I haven't even finished one week." "This is difficult for you." "It's overreach", he says. It's a complete violation of human rights. They want to be dictators." "Stop being dramatic. It's all in the interest of public health." "It's only flu." "It seems to me they took that kind of attitude in Sweden for a few months and look what happened." "A lot of old people got sick and died." "Younger ones too. Stick it out is my advise. If you break your quarantine they'll throw you in jail then kick you out of the country." "I thought this was Canada." "Oh, but this is Canada, dear boy, this is Canada."

The Peacock 1516

He eases himself into the wicker chair which is a survivor from my earliest years. It seems to me that wicker chair has always been in my father's room. My room. he appears to be set to make himself comfortable. I haven't undressed yet for bed, but I am occupying the centre, with my phone and laptop sprawled on my right and a couple of books on my left, leaving no room or question of doubt. This is my space, and I am the one occupying it. Jesus is wearing a white teeshirt and white shorts with bare feet. Clearly ready to turn in. In the room on the other side of the bathroom, of course. He seems a bit sad and pensive.. "How are you." "I feel very sad about what just happened here." "As do I." He seems quite focussed on me right now. "What particularly is making you sad right now, Jesús." "George. Him being drunk like that. He was very rude. To everyone." "That was the alcohol talking through him, I'm afraid." "He, what is the word, propositioned me. Right in front of everyone. Right in front of his husband." "Oh my god!" "I do not want to live here in the same house with him." "Did anything like that occur before you guys came here, at the mansion?" "No." "And it isn't going to happen here." "I am afraid of going to sleep in this house when he is here. Can I sleep in your room tonight?" So that's what he wants. I find myself smiling, because he is nice looking and sweet and of course I am going to feel flattered. But..."The answer is no." "Okay", he says rather heavily. "but should anything happen, or if you are feeling uncomfortble or unsafe and want to talk, plese knock on my door." He is smiling now. Perhaps relieved? "Thank you Christopher. Thank you so much." He gets up and goes to the door. "Good night."

The Peacock 1515

Alone in my room. My father's room, yes, but now it is my room. Mine. I haven't been back here a week, and more drama, more and more drama. I am the leader of this community. Why don't I decree that we disband? Each one on his own path, to get on with their lives. And what would I do, then? Find a nursing position, and either move into the condo and sell the house, or sell the house and move into the condo. And resume being completely and totally alone. Except for Erik. But what would Erik and I become? A couple? Married couple. Or simply too semi-closeted fags who can't get away from each other, but don't have the cojones to actually fuck each other. Nobody's going anywhere. God has thrown us together... Everyone's gone home now, or Sarah has gone back with Carol, anyway. I can hear Jesús going from the bathroom to his makeshift guestroom, my father's office. I did hesr a murmured conversation through the wall between George and Jeffrey. Their voices were rising just a little bit and I feared having to sit through an unwelcome matrimonial quarrel. But now they are quiet. Perhaps screwing, but if I am not already mistaken, there doesn't seem to be a lot of passion in their arrangement. There is a soft knowck on the door and Jesús pokes his head in and says, "Do you have time to talk?"

The Peacock 1514

"We can think about it, anyway", says George, now more composed. "This is something that has to be done, you guys", says Carl. "Are we being delivered an order?" says George. "Yes", says Francisco. "This is unanimous?" says George. "I'm afraid it is", I reply. "what do you think, Sarah", says George. "Do as you're told", she says wearily. "Carol?" "Likewise." "Jesús?" "I think it is a good idea." "Unanimity", says George, sighing. "Hazel?" "We have no other option." "I suppose you are right, dear, I suppose you are right..."

The Peacock 1513

Adam, or Jason, because he really seems two persons in one, looks solemnly at George, but his eyes are not hard and piercing, rather soft and receptive. "Thank you George. yes, I forgive you. I forgive you completely. Now we must move forward." "George", say I. "What about AA?" "Well, what about them?" "Have you been through their program?" "No. But I suppose it would be worth a try." "How about you, Jeffrey?" "We really haven't had time. With everything else that has been going on." "Are you both prepared now to make the time?" "Starting when?" "Starting tomorrow. There is a United Church nearby with an AA group that meets there twice a week. I was reading their sign the other day. There will be a meeting tomorrow evening at seven. How about it?" "Could you come with us?" says Jeffrey. "I can walk you to the church, then wait for you in the coffee shop, and you could debrief with me then. But otherwise, this is something you both need to do on your own."

The Peacock 1512

George is now weeping. "I didn't mean to be so horrible", he wails, I just couldn't help myself. I feel so horrible. About everything." There is alcohol mixed with his tears, but this hasn't prevented Jeffery from going over and standing behind him in support, hands on his shoulders. "We've been under so much pressure", says George, now beginning to calm. "All these years. First those two priests we had to blackmail into behaving themselves. Those two that drowned in Switzerland. Then all the problems at the abbey, and then at your mansion, Carl, and now what to do now. We have no church left, no vocation. I feel just so completely lost." He now looks to Jason and says, "Adam, I am so sorry about what I did to you. I hurt you. I know this. Please forgive me." Then to Jeffrey, he turns around and says, "Hazel, can you ever forgive me for being such a poor excuse for a husband?"

The Peacock 1511

All eyes are now on George, who remains seated, head bowed, hardly obscuring the scowl on his face. "George?" says Jeffrey. "It was an accident", he says. "I was drinking." "When a drunk driver kills someone with his car", says Carl, "It is not called an accident. It is called homicide." "I wasn't in control of myself. Besides, I thought you wanted it." "When I walked by Jason's bedroom", says Jeffrey, "I distinctly heard his voice shouting the words, get the fuck off of me. That did not sound like consent. I didn't know you were in there with him, but I was concerned about Adam or, Jason, so that's why I opened the door and pulled you off of him." "Thank you Jeffrey", says Jason. "For both times coming to my aid, both then and now..."

The Peacock 1510

"And on behalf of my husband and I", he says, "I would like to apologize for our disgraceful conduct here today. I also share the blame because I did absolutely nothing to try to stop him." "Do you both still drink, or was this a relapse", says Francisco. "A bit of both", replies Jeffrey. "We managed to stay mostly dry while in the monstery, but we did have a couple of lapses in the house, especially George, which led", right now he is eyeing Jason, "To some unfortunate consequences. "Adam, or Jason, because that is your real namne after all, George and I are both terribly sorry about what he tried to do to you last year." "you have already apologized plenty", reples Jason. "I have yet to hear those words from your husband."

The Peacock 1509

"Were you saving it all for a special occasion", says George, clearly surly and uncowed. "with everything else that was going on, I had forgotten completely about it." "So, you re wanting a completely dry household", says George. "Yes." "Like a bunch of Baptists." "George", says Jeffrey, "You are going to tell them, or I will." "Shut up Hazel", he retorts, menacingly, "And not one further word out of you." "Au contraire, darling. They all have a right to know." "I said shut up." "You shut up", he roars at his husband, who finally seems ready to cede. "Everyone, George and I are both alcoholics..."

1508

It is pretty clear that Jeffrey has already had more than enough of being the longsuffering little gay hubby and I am more than a little gratified seeing how nicely he can kick George's ass. I myself pick up the two bottles of liquor and carry them into the bathroom where I quickly empty them into the toilet. "Is there any more?" "That should be it", says Jeffrey. They are both standing behind me by the bathroom door. Back in the living room I can see that Chelsea and her stepmom have both left. "They were both pretty embarrassed", says Sarah. "I suppose we are having a meeting?" "I suppose that we are", say I. "And I am sure they will both get over it." "There's been a real change in you, Chrisopher", she says as I sit between her and Carol on the couch. "It looks good on you." "I find that you have become rather bossy", says Carol. "But I do agree with Sarah, it does become you, Christopher." We are all gathered round now in various chairs and seatings. "I have something to say", says jeffrey. And now he shines like an indignant English schoolboy. "Shortly after you all left, George went tearing around the kitchen, certain he would find some booze, which he finally got out of the back of the pantry." "My father went through a period of alcoholism, and so as he was going in for treatment, I hid all the booze on him. I am amazed you were able to find it.

The Peacock 1507

He stares at me in disbelief. "Right now!" I pick up the scotch and brandy from the dining room table. Sarah picks up the sherry and dubonnet and hands them to George. On the kitchen table there is gin and vodka. We both head for the ktchen sink where we empty the bottles. Then for a long time I leave the kitchen tap running at full force, purging and cleansing this vile defilement. "Is that all the booze you found in the cupboard?" "Yes." "No", says Jeffrey from behind. "You just hid in our room a bottle of rye and Amaretto. Follow me Christopher." "Rat", barks George at his partner. "Don't you start again with me you asshole or you will be permanently sleeping on the fucking couch!"

The Peacock 1506

Dorothy occupies the centre of the couch flanked by Carol on her left and Sarah on her right. Dorothy´s white helmut of hair has been just dyed a blazing shade of fuschia. Both Sarah and Carol sport neat haircuts, Sarah's remains undyed, and Carol's shines a more luminous than usual shade of copper. "We were going to send out a search party", says Dorothy, lifting a glass of sherry to her lips. "Lovely to see you here", says Carol, whimsically, who is also drinking sherry. Sarah gets up to approach us. "Thank God you're back", she says, appearing angry and frustrated. The techno music is very loud. The first thing I do is to brush past Chelsea, George, Jeffrey and Jesús to the laptop on the diningroom table, now hooked up with a speaker. I shut it off, close it, and disconnect the speaker. All is now quiet.. "Hey!" shouts George, who appears to be the only one really drunk here. Standing still, I turn to him, pointing my finger and thunder, "Get out of my house!" Carl comes up from behind and says, "Chris, please, that is harsh." George is staring at me in shock. And he suddenly appears sobre. "You're not serious. Are you?" he says. "How dare you desecrate my family home this way!" He stares at me, like a puppy being scolded for defected on the Persian carpet. "You may stay here tonight on one condition. Gather up all of my father's remaining booze that you have pilfered, and pour it down the sink. All of it. Every single fucking drop...

The Peacock 1505

"Anything else you'd like to say about your father", says Francois to Jason as we turn onto the street where I live. "We look a lot alike. School teacher. High school. Social studies and English. Very progressive. Always loved by his students, often getting into trouble with the administrators for his talent for speaking incovenient truths." "Is he still teaching?" "Yes. They live in Salt Lake City in Utah. His second wife he basically rescued from the Mormons and now they live together more or less happily ever after." "Do you ever think of visiting them?" "It still isn't on my map, though I like his second wife." We are at the front door and there is a loud racket of dance music and voices...

The Peacock 1504

"Don't any of you dare touch another drop. We are coming right over." "I knew that would get your little asses moving." To the others I say, "They found some liquor that both Dad and I forgot to dispose of when he went sobre. We have to get back right away." "They got shitfaced", says Carl. "We gotta go." "As we leave the coffee shop, Carl asks Jason, "What does George have against you." Lazarus answers for him, "Last year he kept repeatedly hitting on Jason who kept repeatedly turning him down, He does not seem about to forgive him." "So, that's what was going on", says Francois. "Why didn't you tell us anything." "Easy question that requires a difficult answer", says Jason. "Does Jeffrey know", sys Carl. "Jeffrey threatened to rat on him if he didn't stop. Fortunately he has become a friend and ally", says Jason...

The Peacock 1503

"It's just as well, then, Sable. Don't worry. I only just remember that conversation that I had with Mom more than thirty years ago. Funny, how selective the memory can be. and I have always had trouble with memory." "I'm interested in hearing about your father", says Francois. "You say he's remarried?" "We haven't been in touch in a while. I think he's wanting me to write him, though it has been a couple of years, and I really do owe him a letter. "snail mail." says Carl. "He refuses to use email. he isn't quite a dinosaur, has a computer and a smartphone, but he prefers all communications the old fashioned way." "He has a new family?" say I. "two little girls. I have pictures of them and his second wife. Lovely people. Esther actually did send me an email last week asking how I am." "It sounds like you like them", says Carl. "Very much. Dad and I have always been close." My phone is ringing. George. "Where the fuck are you", he says almost shouting. "We're going to be a little while yet. Please give our apologies to Chelsea and her stepmom, this could take at least another hour." "So, you're not going to tell you that Adam has seduced all of you with his questionable magic?" "This seems pretty important for him." "Important. don't believe that overripe pretty boy's horseshit." "George. " And I am trying to measure my words carefully. "I well not have this kind of slander." "And who died and made you God?" He sounds like he's been drinking. "I am the leader of this community and it is my house you are staying it." "Do you mean to pull rank with me?" "Yes. George, are you people drinking alcohol right now." "We discovered your daddy's secret liquor supply." And yes, now I remember, in a particular hall closet he never went into, where I hid away all his booze in a clandestine compartment when he said he was ready to quit drinking. I forgot completely about it. And only now is it occurring to me that jason, at forty-six, has a couple of young children for half-sisters. What would this say about their father.....

The Peacock 1502

"What can we do to help?" says Carl. "I don't know. Maybe accept that I'm not well. That I'm coping the best I can. My mom said something once, I think I was around twelve, and not at all coping well with bullying at school. I had recently been diagnosed as gifted and recommended for attending an alternative school. I was extremely good at art, theatre and singing. But one day Mom said there was something a bit more, but that she couldn't remember it. She said they had told her a long time ago that I would be extraordinary and problematic. I asked her for details, but she shied away and just said that was all they told her and even that was hard for her to remember." "They?" said Lazarus. "Who did she mean by they?" "I never told you, Sable?" "No. Never." And now lazarus is beginning to look a bit like a betrayed lover...

1501

"tell us you're not lying", says Lazarus. And now Jason is becoming visibly unsettled. "I have always told you the truth, Sable and you fucking well know it." "Okay, okay,. easy big guy." "What really pisses me off", hisses Jason like a cornered feral cat, "Is the way they constantly accuse me of craving attention, of wanting to be noticed and for this reason I stage all these fucking prepostrous fantasies, most of which I can't even remember. And certainly not some dumb German brother and sister classical composer act." "This must be very frustrating for you", says Francois, almost tenderly. "what I find really frustrating is that you seem to thnk I know these people I have never even heard of. How the fuck could that be. I am really perplexed. Totally confused. "You've never heard of the Mendelssohns", say I. "I don't even like most classical music. Except maybe Bach. But don't ask me to name any of the others. I prefer listening to blues and funk." "And I know this to be true", says Lazarus....

1500

Some of it I did make up. Like the bit about picnicking under a fig tree with Persephone when she was abducted by Hades. And I was never present to witness Our Lord's Crucifixion." "How about Fanny Mendelsohn and her son", says Carl. "Who? "You're not going to tell us that you weren't staging that as well." "i don't have a clue what you are talking about", he says, now indignant. "And who the fuck is, Francine, or what the fuck is her name?" "Fanny Mendolsohn, a nineteenth century composer and concert pianist in Germany, sister of Felix Mendelsohn." "He was a commposer?" "Yes", says Carl in his patronizing don't test my patience voice, "Felix Mendelsohn was one of the great Romantic composers. Last week, at the house, you were telling us that you were alive back then and a friend of the family." "Wait a minute", says Francois. "You didn't know that Fanny was Felix Mendelsohn's sister?" "Never heard of her..."

The Peacock 1499

"Who was that?" says Jason, his tone wary, apprehensive. "That was George. They are wondering why we haven't returned yet." "He was also accusing me of lying. He always does. They never seem to believe me" "because every month or so", says Lazarus patiently, "you seem to come out with a new and improved version of your life history. And frankly, we're all sick of it. Even I." "Even you, Sable", he says sighing. "I can say something in your defense, though, Jason. This time, you are telling the truth. I happen to have met his mother, a few times during her not infrequent visits to Vancouver. And we even flew out about eight years ago and stayed with her in her little apartment in Downsview, Toronto." "And all the rest is bullshit?" says Carl. And I am wondering why we are pouring so much attention onto someone who simply thrives on it. "Everything I said about the island and the young Jesus actually happened as I experienced it." "The other stuff?" says Carl, who appears to be playng crown prosecutor, something he can do rather too well.