I am not a classic introvert. I enjoy people, being around people, and I have many friends. Even though I have a huge personal library I am not what you would call bookish. I don't wear glasses. Hell, I don't even wear contacts. I do spend a lot of time alone and usually enjoy it. I am what you would call an extrovert-introvert hybrid. Having undergone plenty of personality tests I come out exactly 50-50, half introvert, half extrovert. Not exactly the life of the party but can hold a pretty good conversation.
I am very careful, however, to the point of being punctilious, about careless talk. I think very carefully before I speak, taking care to gauge my tone of voice, choice of words, read my audience well, and double check that what I want to say is what needs to be said, should be said, will not cause too much bother if it is said. I am not always successful and sometimes need someone to offer me one huge shoe horn to wedge both my feet out of my mouth. This is because when I do have something to say I often express myself strongly, more in tone than volume. I have sometimes been told that I carry a personal, spiritual intensity that can scare the hell out of some people.
This reminds me of once many many years ago when I was walking through a bar and stopped briefly to say hi to an acquaintance who was nursing a quiet glass of beer at a small table. He suddenly reared up like a killer Rottweiler and declared in a sonorous Canadian version of perfect BBC "You have an INTENSE SPIRITUALITY." Then he shrank back and added, "And you frighten me." I politely replied as I got over my shock, "Oh, sorry. Didn't know..." I mean, how does one respond to something like that?
I am a participant in a Spanish meet up group. We get together Saturday afternoons to converse in the language of Cervantes. It is a great group facilitated by dedicated volunteers from Latin America and they are patient, kind and helpful mentors. Is there a problem? Well, no, but this is an open group and open groups, as we all know, can attract all kinds of people and perhaps even a bigger than average serving of people who don't really do well in social situations so they are not readily accepted in some places. I am one of those people, having a tendency of being often too quiet in social situations to the point of sometimes feeling paralysed when there is a preponderance of loud and dominant extroverts present.
This happened today. At my table, the advanced Spanish speakers table, there were three individuals, all nice kind extroverts with incredibly loud voices. I think the other participants more or less did okay around them but eventually I again felt paralysed. Remember, I said earlier that I always try to think carefully before I speak (or write) which leaves me often responding slowly or contributing cautiously to the conversation and if there are two or more loud extroverts present I can no longer hear myself think, sink into myself and sometimes become hostile and resentful.
I left early, feeling quite relieved to get out into the fresh air and back into the silence.
I want to continue with my Spanish and with this group but because extroverts are the dominant force in our culture they also sometimes dominate in our meetup group. As I said, they are lovely people, perhaps insensitive as extroverts tend to be and in the meantime I am still struggling not only to find my voice but to find a way of making it heard, without losing my capacity to think before I speak.
Speaking Spanish well comes through practice, but practice happens best when I don't have to struggle to get a word in edge-wise, and I do hope that the facilitators of my Spanish group will take this into consideration and perhaps find a way to offer me support here. They are lovely people and I'm sure they will try to help.
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