Saturday, 3 May 2014

Dictatorship Of Extroverts

I am not a classic introvert.  I enjoy people, being around people, and I have many friends.  Even though I have a huge personal library I am not what you would call bookish.  I don't wear glasses.  Hell, I don't even wear contacts.  I do spend a lot of time alone and usually enjoy it.  I am what you would call an extrovert-introvert hybrid.  Having undergone plenty of personality tests I come out exactly 50-50, half introvert, half extrovert.  Not exactly the life of the party but can hold a pretty good conversation.
     I am very careful, however, to the point of being punctilious, about careless talk.  I think very carefully before I speak, taking care to gauge my tone of voice, choice of words, read my audience well, and double check that what I want to say is what needs to be said, should be said, will not cause too much bother if it is said.  I am not always successful and sometimes need someone to offer me one huge shoe horn to wedge both my feet out of my mouth.  This is because when I do have something to say I often express myself strongly, more in tone than volume.  I have sometimes been told that I carry a personal, spiritual intensity that can scare the hell out of some people. 
     This reminds me of once many many years ago when I was walking through a bar and stopped briefly to say hi to an acquaintance who was nursing a quiet glass of beer at a small table.  He suddenly reared up like a killer Rottweiler and declared in a sonorous Canadian version of perfect BBC "You have an INTENSE SPIRITUALITY."  Then he shrank back and added, "And you frighten me."  I politely replied as I got over my shock, "Oh, sorry.  Didn't know..."  I mean, how does one respond to something like that?
     I am a participant in a Spanish meet up group.  We get together Saturday afternoons to converse in the language of Cervantes.  It is a great group facilitated by dedicated volunteers from Latin America and they are patient, kind and helpful mentors.  Is there a problem?  Well, no, but this is an open group and open groups, as we all know, can attract all kinds of people and perhaps even a bigger than average serving of people who don't really do well in social situations so they are not readily accepted in some places.  I am one of those people, having a tendency of being often too quiet in social situations to the point of sometimes feeling paralysed when there is a preponderance of loud and dominant extroverts present.
     This happened today.  At my table, the advanced Spanish speakers table, there were three individuals, all nice kind extroverts with incredibly loud voices.  I think the other participants more or less did okay around them but eventually I again felt paralysed.  Remember, I said earlier that I always try to think carefully before I speak (or write) which leaves me often responding slowly or contributing cautiously to the conversation and if there are two or more loud extroverts present I can no longer hear myself think, sink into myself and sometimes become hostile and resentful. 
     I left early, feeling quite relieved to get out into the fresh air and back into  the silence.
     I want to continue with my Spanish and with this group but because extroverts are the dominant force in our culture they also sometimes dominate in our meetup group.  As I said, they are lovely people, perhaps insensitive as extroverts tend to be and in the meantime I am still struggling not only to find my voice but to find a way of making it heard, without losing my capacity to think before I speak.
     Speaking Spanish well comes through practice, but practice happens best when I don't have to struggle to get a word in edge-wise, and I do hope that the facilitators of my Spanish group will take this into consideration and perhaps find a way to offer me support here.  They are lovely people and I'm sure they will try to help.

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