Christmas Eve

It is a very quiet Christmas Eve.  I had an early dinner of black bean chili with brown rice then fell into a long nap while listening to the radio.  They were broadcasting little items about how people were spending Christmas Eve.  A lot of people have family traditions.  Some people are resting at home with love ones.  I am resting at home alone.  I could go to church for the Christmas Eve service at nine but I know I'm not going anywhere.  I have recently joined, or been joined to, the choir, but I have already informed them that I will not be available for all practices or services.  I have seen people burn themselves out for the church and I know what a bottomless gaping maw it can be and I'm not going there.  I have noticed in the past that when I get too busy at church my performance at work suffers.  Going to church does not pay my rent.  Unlike the priest I am not paid to be there.

It no longer troubles me that outside of church I have nowhere to go and no one to spend Christmas with.  It has taken years to get over the loss of family and to survive the cruel and degrading indifference of friends.  But I seem to have got over it.  Writing last year the three posts: Hanging Christmas Out To Die (pardon the Freudian slip.  I mean to Dry), then reposting them this year was cathartic and therapeutic.  I am done with using my isolation as fuel for sympathy or pity.  Two different individuals, a tenant in my building and today a co-worker, began each asking too many nosy questions about my family and where I will be for Christmas.  When they wouldn't shut up about it I told them bluntly that I am not telling them anything and it's none of their business.  Great conversation stopper.  I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, especially people I scarcely know or like.  I want to get through this and the best way this year is to spend the evening and the following morning at rest, then to see people, and work, and celebrate in three distinct locations: At 12:30 I will meet my friend from Mexico for coffee.  At 2:00 I will be working at a small psychiatric facility that employs me.  I get paid for this, not overtime since I am a contract worker.

I have just come back from a break.  I was washing up the dishes and making the bread pudding for tomorrow.  Christmas bread pudding has become a tradition for me ever year since 1996 when, not having anywhere to go myself, I had four friends over for Christmas Day brunch.  The bread pudding was a hit and since then, except for when I was homeless and when I spent three years in shared accommodation I have made bread pudding every year for Christmas.  Here is the recipe:

Up to two thirds of a loaf of whole grain or whole wheat cinnamon raisin bread, ripped to bite-size shreds
two cups low fat milk
six eggs beaten
3/4- 1 cup brown sugar
generous sprinkling of cinnamon
not so generous sprinkling of allspice
not so generous sprinkling of cloves
an even less generous sprinkling of nutmeg
pinch of salt
two tablespoons lemon juice
dash of vanilla (optional)
one large apple, chopped (peeled and cored of course)
two tablespoons butter
Start with dry ingredients.  Shred bread slices in a big mixing bowl.  Add brown sugar, spices and salt.  Mix together.  In a measuring pitcher combine two cups of milk with six beaten eggs, fold into bread mixture and stir till blended.  Refrigerate overnight.  In the morning melt two tablespoons of butter in bottom of baking or enamel ware dish.  Bake in oven preheated at 350 for about forty-five minutes.

Back to where I was.  After four hours at Venture, where I will stay for their modest Christmas dinner, I plan to go out to my church at UBC where they are having a big Christmas dinner.  I will likely stay for dessert, chat with a few people and still try to get home reasonably early.  Boxing Day, 26 December, I will be at a get together at a friend's.

No, I still don't feel particularly wanted but this no longer matters.  This is one of the many features of aging and living alone and I have learned to enjoy the time for solitude, rest, prayer, meditation and creative work as well as reading and seeing videos in Spanish.  I am also doing better than a lot of people.  Some are stuck in families and/or social arrangements that are maddening and even abusive.  That is not happening to me.

There are always blessings to count.  Merry Christmas.