Living With Trauma 8

How do we learn to trust, those for whom all reasons to trust were long ago shattered? How can you possibly have another intimate relationship again if you are a rape survivor? Or how are you ever going to trust people of faith again if you, like me, are a survivor of religious cult abuse? And if clergy and priests have repeatedly betrayed your trust, are you ever going to want, or need, to step inside a church again? If you are a casualty of child abuse, and if that abuse has also been repeated through your interactions with schoolteachers and police, how are you going to ever successfully navigate living in a society where there is always implicit the expectation of some deference to authority? And on it goes. We can only take small steps, I would imagine. Today, as part of my search for an adequate new bedspread, I looked on the fabled Commercial Drive, since I saw my last client today in that area. It was a bit of a wild goose chase and I don't expect I will return to purchase any of the samples I was shown, though they were all affordable and some were downright cheap. But I'm looking for solidly coloured fabric, preferably colour blue and this kind of bedspread no longer seems to exist, anywhere. In one store, a crammed with stuff establishment that has been a fixture on the Drive for three decades (I'm sure the owner must have hoarding issues), I sincerely thanked the proprietor for all the time and effort she put in with me. When I reached over to shake her hand on my way out, she shrank back and walked away. I do not know what this person's issues might be, but her shunning gesture was really unprofessional and I don't expect I will be returning to her shop. Come to think of it, I was the only customer present so I wouldn't be at all surprised if she has scared off a number of potential patrons because of her rudeness. I am not about to judge her, or not harshly, anyway. In my own experience in reintegrating into the church I have discovered that I have a strong allergy to shaking hands with strangers. I have mentioned elsewhere on these pages my horrible experiences with sharing the peace in Anglican services. They all treat it like a love-in, backslapping and hugging and warm prolonged handshaking and the most sincere appearing loveliest smiles and everyone's a long-lost friend being finally welcomed into the family they have always missed. Following each and every one of those Anglican services I often felt treated with cold indifference by many of the same people who welcomed me during the peace like a long-lost sibling. This became for me such a total mind fuck that I have since had to leave the Anglican Church for the sake of my own mental health, and neither do I expect that I will ever again set foot inside an Anglican church building. I tried to come to terms with this hand-shaking allergy by visiting other parish churches but was still horrified by the same cancer of hypocrisy wherever Anglicans gather to worship. So, I am now looking elsewhere, following a lengthy vacation from church attendance. The Quakers seem like the most certain option, for now anyway. I find them to be highly ethical, and unlike the Anglicans, the Quakers appear to be very consistent and very grounded in their ethics. But they also shake hands. I have been to five meetings in almost as many months, and following the hour of silent prayer everyone shakes hands with each other. So far I have refused, except with one lady with whom I had previously already had a pleasant conversation. In order to get back on the horse that threw me I am attempting to reintegrate into the church. However, I am not going to dig in the spurs. Downstairs, during the coffee hour I am enjoying meeting and having pleasant and intelligent conversations with some very interesting and fine people. I have also had to get past a couple of difficult individuals, and it has already been explained to me that these people are living with dementia and/or mental illness. I am going to soon start shaking hands with the Quakers, as I am slowly becoming satisfied that to them this is not just an empty gesture they invoke in order to look good to others. Unlike the Anglicans. Regardless of what steps we are going to take to try to overcome, or at least to live with trauma, taking the appropriate steps is what we are going to have to do. Instead of fearing the great void that awaits us for taking those steps I think that we would do better to suspend entirely our expectations that things are going to turn out in a certain way, whether for the good or the bad or worse and simply steel ourselves to enjoying the ride. There are no certain outcomes, apart from death, and death comes to us all, sooner or later. But if we wish to rob ourselves of the enjoyment of the present moment as we move towards our destination, then we, and those who come after us, are going to be that much the poorer for our caving to our fears. We are never going to fully shield ourselves from the anxious fear and dread that comes with stepping out into the unknown. What we do have to do is learn how to live with this dread, to embrace it, and to thank it for all the surprises that will be awaiting us as we step forward in life and into recovery. It will likely take a lot of false, faltering first steps, but if we don't get moving we end up with what we had when we first started: nothing.