Healing Trauma: Perceptions And Attitudes, 44

Reconciliation, I would imagine, is many things to many people. It happens, or needs to happen, on so many different levels, and usually it never happens. There has been a lot of grandstanding around that word: the truth and reconciliation process in South Africa, here in Canada between our government and indigenous peoples, currently in Colombia between FARC and the government. There are other controversies as to the obstacles to reconciliation. The ongoing frustration that is also called "Black Lives Matter"; the "Me Too" hashtag for the thousands, millions of women sexually assaulted, harassed and victimized by men in power. Then there are the many accounts pending that will likely never be ratified: the Spanish rape of the Americas; the English rape of the Americas, Australia and New Zealand; the French rape of North Africa; the Belgian rape of the Congo; the Dutch rape of Indonesia; the Portuguese rape of Brazil, Mozambique and Angola. It is less than likely that the Catholic Church will ever apologize for the Inquisition, the burning of witches and others they didn't like, and the sexual abuse by priests of children. and there are the interpersonal offences and griefs and gaffs and hurts for which we seem to be always apologizing, or ignoring, or trying to forget. Family life, anyone? It isn't as if it's that hard to say the words, "I'm sorry." Ask any Canadian. If someone steps on my foot, my first impulse is to apologize for getting in their way. Do these little daily apologies mean or amount to anything? Well, yes...and no. I like the idea of the voluntary apology, however insincere, because it does something to enhance and improve the general ambience. I am not being facetious, Gentle Reader. When I hear people apologize on the sidewalk or the bus, or wherever, somehow the world feels like a slightly kinder and safer place. But this isn't quite the same as reconciliation. I happen to know people who never want to see or speak to me again. I have on occasion felt this way about certain individuals, but I try to no longer let things get this far. We never know who will be needing us in the future, or whom we'll be needing. And this is why reconciliation is important. It is fine to express outrage and anger when you have been victimized, but staying in that warm bath of piss is not going to do anything to advance your cause. You will simply be angry, be seen as angry, and you will continue to fester and revel in your righteous indignation. On the other hand, the offender must be somehow exposed, identified and brought to justice. But what kind of justice? We already know that a lot of people in visible minorities hate white people, especially white males, and not without some justification. We already know that a lot of women hate men for being such abusive jerks and assholes, and for being such shameless liars about it. We already know they're angry. We're all angry. We live in an age of righteous indignation. Reconciliation does not come cheap. Someone has to own up and pay the rent. Forgiveness doesn't come easy. Sometimes all we are left with is either marinating in the juices of our bile till they poison and kill us, or to actually forgive and move on. What makes this onerous is having the knowledge that the offenders are being given a pass, will never face justice, and will go on with impunity harming the innocent. Or does it? I wonder, drawing from personal experience, if forgiveness actually disempowers the offender as the victim moves on in healing and getting on with our lives. Remember the saying: Living well is the sweetest revenge. By forgiving those who have harmed us we disempower them because we are no longer under their stamping boot. They still need to be confronted, they still need to be brought to justice. But we still also have to move forward and move on with our lives.