City Of God 8

I have been thinking lately of the role my family has played in preparing me for the City of God. As I have already mentioned in many other posts, my childhood was not for me a happy experience. I remember when I must have been thirteen or so and out for a walk on a cold Saturday morning in February. I was an avid walker even as a kid. And I looked at the sky and there was an interesting pastel hue of apricot orange superimposed over pastel turquoise near the horizon and I thought, how beautiful, since it was otherwise a cloudy and dull looking day. But I saw this hint of beauty that somehow kept my focus and galvanized me. I was already longing for something better, or at least different, from my bland and violent suburban upbringing. I had been in the habit, since we moved into that subdivision just three months shy of my tenth birthday, to taking long walks after dinner at night in the serpentine streets of our neighbourhood. This was in an era when no one seemed particularly concerned about child safety, and I had come to treasure those long, meandering walks. The walks always took me nowhere, since the streets were all crescents, ending near where they started, but that was the beauty of it. I now believe that these walks were changing my brain circuitry, teaching me to think in a way that was non-linear and creative and intuitive. It was rather like living in one gigantic labyrinth. These walks became for me a refuge from my difficult family and I came to thrive on this activity, even though I was still just a child. I sometimes imagined that I was in some kind of in-between zone in the afterlife and that this walking was a way of preparing me for my ultimate destination. So really, I was already practicing a form of meditation, without really knowing it. The abuse from my family and from other kids at school was what was driving me to take these walks, and instead of festering and becoming a broken down mess from the mistreatment, I was already finding healing and strength. I didn't know at the time that God was already with me on those walks, leading me through the process, but now I know that he was. I was already at prayer without even knowing what I was doing. It is small wonder that when I met the Jesus People, that it was only natural that I would accept Christ. Those walks had already been preparing me. My childhood experience at home and in school also taught me empathy and humility. I came to appreciate the lives of those who suffer, and this prepared me for my life's vocation. While I have no desire to let anyone off the hook for mistreating me, I am aware and very thankful for how much those difficult experiences became for me instruments of grace. I have always longed for a better place, free from suffering and conflict, a place of love, contentment and joy, a place full of beauty and grace. I think we all share in this kind of longing. It is somehow built into our DNA. The most difficult leap is in knowing that this place, this City of God, is here, in our midst, and all our lives' experiences and suffering will somehow provide us with the key that will open its gates.