The Peacock 177

 This is where I was sitting the day before yesterday, perhaps forty-one hours ago, when Melissa came to drive me up to the big house.   This diner is deceptively big and roomy, with comfy, burgundy vinyl  upholstered booths and big formica tables.  They have a menu for Western and Chinese food.  I am amazed that this kind of diner still exists.  A classic truckstop.  The owner, I think, a slim Chinese man in his sixties, approaches us with his little notepad.  We are having Chinese today.  Carl has not stopped smiling since we left the house.  This appears to be like a holiday for him, a great liberation.

"Your story is very impressive", says Jesús to Aaron.  They are sitting together, opposed by Carl and I.  We both are looking towards the window.

"Thank you", he replies.  "And now it's your turn."

"Pardon?"

"Ya llega tu turno, Don Jesús.  Cuéntanos todo. Now it's your turn, mister Jesús.  Tell us everything."

"I don't know where to begin."

"Well, how long have you been in Canada?"

"Five years."

"How did you get here?" says Carl.

"I came as a student.  To improve my English."

"How did you find out about us?" Carl asks.!

"Father Griffin."

"But who else!" shouts Carl, laughing freely and loudly.  "But who fucking else!"

The Peacock 176

 "I was of course very worried about Jeff, though why I do not know, except I had become so habituated to his emotional maelstrom that my life suddenly felt dreadfully empty without him.  So the next couple of nights, I wandered around downtown Edinburgh looking for him in various pubs and bars.  By Sunday I accepted that he was gone, and was finally ready to enjoy my liberation from him.  It was Father's Day, so I phoned my dad to wish him a happy Father's Day.  Even though it is his ancestral city, he seemed a bit perplexed and bewildered that I should call him.  Then I did a walkabout in the city, found my way to a mall on the outskirts where in a drugstore I bought a pair of haircutting scissors, of such a fine quality that now, thirty years later, after daily use, I still have them.

"Monday morning I boarded the fast train to London, where I booked a room again at the King Henry the Eighth Hotel, where I stayed another four days, until I found cheaper accommodations nearby."

We have just reached the town, which isn't really much of a place.  Just behind the gas station is the large garage where I have parked my car.  

"Is that all?" says Carl to Aaron.

"There is a lot more, but we're about to go for lunch, so maybe we could save it for later."  We all leave the car together.  The worker, to whom I entrusted my car, has given me the okay.  He is pretty typical of small town BC guys.  Around thirty years old, slim with a potbelly, sunglasses and ballcap.  Red and green plaid mac shirt covering a black T shirt with a Def Leppard logo.  He is smoking a cigarette.

"The diner's just across the street", says Carl as I return.  So the four of us, four persons most unlikely to have been thrown together even in extraordinary circumstances, make our way to a meal of burgers and beer in this Fraser Valley backwater, now a community, now a family...

175

 "I can't really describe the experience, except that the Spirit of the Living God had descended upon me, and I was caught up in a rapture and so full of peace and bliss and joy.  I had truly entered his presence, I had truly reached the high places with Jesus Christ.  And I was loath to leave this beautiful sacred place that I had just entered into.  But leave I must, in order to return to the lower places, and the everyday duties of life, and to that tiresome and sorry waste of DNA, Jeff Sutherland.  

"But I descended the mountain, knowing that I was not going to leave that place, but that I would be living there, that this would be the reality I would be carrying with me for the rest of my life.  I wanted to share with Jeff this joy I had just discovered, to share it with the entire world.

"I returned to our shared hotel room.  It must have been around two in the afternoon.  There was Jeff, watching TV, and looking very miserable and pathetic, as always.  Then he demanded from me money, I think one hundred pounds, or perhaps five hundred.  I cannot remember, but it was a lot.  I was no longer giving him money, except for what he would really need to survive on, and nothing more.  I offered him ten.  He said a hundred.  I replied no.  He threatened to leave.  I said, go ahead and leave.   I felt calm and joyful.  I left him at the hotel and walked back to the church Old St. Paul's, which was open to the public.  I spent a half hour in the chapel, alone, and in quiet prayer.

"When I returned to the hotel, Jeff and all his possessions were gone.  Given the dreadful clutter he tended to accumulate, the place did feel now clean, pure and liberated.  I knew now, that here in Edinburgh, and for the rest of my time in Europe, that I was going to be entirely alone..."

The peacock 174

 "I really don't know how long it took me to walk there. When I am in a foreign city, time tends to either stand still, or it ceases to exist.  Everything is new.  I could have been walking for ten minutes or ten hours.  But I got there.  It is a small mountain, or a high hill, covered with heath, which is to say grass and bushes.  There are very few trees outside of Edinburgh since they were all cut down over the centuries.  I remember how strong the wind, rather cold, more like April in Vancouver than June.  But this was not Vancouver, it was Scotland, the country of my ancestry.  

"There were jackdaws flying around and cawing and playing with each other.  A jackdaw is a kind of a smallish crow, with dark gray plumage and white eyes.  Rather creepy looking.  And also there were skylarks. Till then, I had only known skylarks from my readings of English and French literature, and as I heard them singing, I could tell why they had become such birds of legend.  As I took the road climbing up Arthur's Seat, a skylark would ascend into the air, singing such a piercingly sweet song, and then it would plummet down almost to the ground, before resuming its ascent to the heavens.  And so the skylarks gave me hope and strength as I climbed the hill, knowing that I was soon to meet God again.

"I cannot remember whether or not I was exhausted from the climb, only that when I reached the peak, there was a stone cradle.  There were some loose rocks lying around.  I used twelve to build a small cairn.  Then I lay in the stone cradle, and as the wild wind swept over me so I entered into my new baptism....

The Peacock 173

 "We checked into rather a nice hotel in downtown Edinburgh.  We went for dinner, then after I went for a walk alone, near midnight, in the cemetery  below Edinburgh Castle.  I understood from my father that we had some link to Scottish aristocracy, and I wanted to affirm that sense of ancestral contact through this visit. Jeff stayed in our room drinking as there was a minibar in our room.  We already appeared to be going separate ways.  Upon arriving in Edinburgh, I went straight to a high Episcopal Church nearby, Old St. Paul's.  I was seeking support, and I was hoping to talk to one of the priests there.  but I did attend mass in the chapel where I had a beautiful sense of God's presence and grace.  I did meet a friendly woman there, and we chatted a bit.

"The next day, I was becoming fixated on the mountain Arthur's Seat, that loomed just outside the city and from my hotel room window I could see that it was probably walking distance.  I somehow knew that when I ascended Arthur's Seat, I would have entered into the High Places with Christ.  In the meantime, I walked around alone in Edinburgh, taking in the sights and the sites because there is a lot of ancient architecture in that fabled city.  The wind was very strong that day, and though it was already the middle of June, it was chilly. Plus, for all the scotch distilleries in that city, there was an oppressively sweet stench of malt in the air.

"I slowly made my way to Arthur's Seat, where I was already set to climb to the High Places..."

The Peacock 172

 "I had this ongoing ideal during this trip, that there was a particular sacred purpose in my being in Europe.  It wasn't to take care of Jeff, as I was quickly discovering, nor was it to find a publisher for my novel.  The only way I could frame it was that Jesus was calling me to the High Places with him, but that I must become very small, because the way into those High Places is very small and only the very humble can pass through.  I knew that the past three years had been very challenging to me, and with the beginning of this community, the impact of having Doug with me, including Dianne and Doreen in the work, and the daily dying to self that was required in order to do well with people living in very compromised circumstances.... And now I was arriving in Edinburgh, the city of my paternal ancestry with this lost, addicted, psychopathic failed rock star with an agenda for me, a diagnosis of AIDS and an interest in nothing and no one but his own paltry little self...

"I was learning humility, and I was learning it in spades.  I also knew, upon arriving in Edinburgh, that this touching base with a city of my ancestry, would also somehow conduct me to that tiny little doorway that was going to lead me to the High Places with Jesus..."

The Peacock 171

 

"After a sumptuous breakfast in the hotel, we wandered around for a while and explored the Portobello Market, a huge outdoor Saturday market that stretched for many blocks.  We lost each other there, but I think more to the point, Jeff intentionally lost me there.  He must have found travelling with a dedicated Christian while he was determined to carry on with a totally useless and self destructive life, a little bit, shall we say, embarrassing?  I was tired, anyway, went for a wander on my own, and walked some more in Hyde Park. I did have to go back to sleep, and was woken up at night by Jeff bringing in yet another pathetic idiot he had picked up at Champions.  This time they got a room together, and even though he insisted later that they hadn't had sex, I was neither jealous, nor did I care, nor did I particularly  believe him.  He could see he was rapidly losing his power over me.

"The next day was more of the same, but he came back to the hotel alone.  Then the following day, we were befriended by a pretty young Swedish couple, both musicians, so they wanted to talk music and the whole biz with Jeff.  I rather liked them, found them refreshingly sane, and a real relief after several days with that waste of DNA.  They came back to visit us for a while in our hotel room, where Jeff played them the demo tape for his band.  They damned it with slightly less than faint praise, suggesting that it sounded like a demo.  But we were getting rather noisy, and I was concerned about Jeff getting us into real trouble, so, I went to the front desk and talked to the manager, who came to our room to toss out our new friends, after giving Jeff quite the stern scolding.

"That was the same day when in the morning, we went to Scotland Yard precinct in Highgate in North London, where Jeff was interviewed by police about the murder of his former lover, Jim.  The famous cemetery, where Karl Marx and other luminaries were buried, was nearby, so I went for a visit and wandered among the tall grass from headstone to headstone to monument.

"After two more days of coping with the imbecil, we took a fast train, a four hour trip, up to Edinburgh in Scotland.  He didn't want me to go with him, but I insisted, and I am sure now that he had gone there to buy drugs with money I had given him to survive on.  Then things got really interesting..."

The Peacock 170

 "Jeff smoked some hash with his arrogant Frenchie, then they left together.  I went back to sleep for a while, then woke up in the middle of the night. Jeff was still out and it must have been after midnight.  I went for a walk.  a very long walk taking me past Hyde park then past Buckingham Palace and all the way to the Thames where I saw Big Ben, and the silhouette of the Houses of Parliament on the other side of the river and Westminster Abbey, and everything felt so close and strange and familiar but rather small scale and I found myself wanting to sing my litany to Peggy Lee, "Is that all there is?"

"Dawn was already breaking. I had been accompanied for awhile during my ramble by a young Japanese student, and we had a very enjoyable chat as we walked together along the walled off gardens of Buckingham Palace.  But now I had had enough, I was tired again so I hailed a cab and returned to the hotel.  Jeff was still sleeping it all off, and I went to bed.  When we both awake mid morning or so, he scolded me for wandering off alone like that and putting myself in danger, then I counter-scolded him about bringing French idiots into our room and using drugs with them.  He got it, and promised it wouldn't happen again.  Of course I had no reason to believe him..."

The Peacock 169

 "We arrived the morning of June 7.  it was a Friday, and we got into the city of London at around ten or ten thirty.  We arrived by train, and it was quite a sight for me seeing those solid brick Victorian buildings everywhere with humongous chimneys.  Then we got a cab to the hotel.  Since Jeff already knew London and was himself an experienced traveller, I was content to let him take the lead. We were in the hotel King Henry the Eighth, a middlebrow establishment in an old Regency building almost flanking the famous Hyde Park.  It was pissing rain, so our first duty after checking into our room was to get ourselves umbrellas. we were going straight from there to the Champion, a gay pub in Notting Hill.  Jeff wanted to stay there and drink for the whole day and I was exhausted from jetlag and lack of sleep, so I simply returned to our room where I fell promptly asleep.

"On my way back to the hotel, I did take some time to wander through Hyde Park, which for me was a very magical experience, definitely enhanced by sleep deprivation.  It's quite expansive, all finely manicured lawn and bit spreading trees, but, being a bird freak myself, it was also seeing the blackbirds and wood pigeons and other birds that simply are never seen in Canada, that immediately connected me to every great work of English literature I had ever read in my life.  Now I was seeing the magic of those pages come to life for me.

"But I did drag my tired and sorry ass back to the hotel, and promptly fell into a deep sleep on top of my bed.  The next thing I knew, It was already night and Jeffrey had just brought in a stranger, an arrogant Parisian French guy (aren´t they all') he had picked up in the pub, possibly in the hopes I would be gone somewhere so those two could have a nice friendly shag together.

"Faking civility, the arrogant Parisian asked me what I was doing in London, and with what must have been a most wicked little grin appearing on my face, I replied, 'Well, for one thing, wondering what the hell you're doing here in my hotel room...'

He wanted to know if all Canadians were this rude, and I replied, only when we are woken out of a sound sleep...

The Peacock 168

 Aaron suddenly asks, "How much longer are we going to be in the car?"

"We should arrive in about twenty minutes", Carl says.  "Why?  You got more to tell us?"

"You're not bored, I hope?"

"Not in the least", say I.  "This is like some fantastic arthouse movie."

"You had a lot to cope with", says Jesús.  "How did you get through it all?"

"Later.  But do let me continue, please."

"We're all ears", says Carl from behind the steering wheel."

"By the way, Carl ", Aaron says.  "I don't think any of us knows your last name."

"Oh, I'm sorry!"  he says, laughing nervously.  "I thought everyone knew.  Our last name, Melissa and I, is Van Coevorden.  Sound a bit familiar?"

"It is the root for the name Vancouver". Aaron says.

"Where we live", I say.

"Now", says Carl, "Please tell us more about your continuing adventures with this Jeff guy."

The Peacock 167

 "According to Jeff, he had an aunt Joyce who would be waiting for us at the Gatwick Airport in London, and we would be spending our first few days in her house as her guests.  Curiously, as well as having the same name as my recently deceased mother, this Aunt Joyce of his, like my mother, also had red hair.  Not one of Jeff's more clever lies, I'm afraid.  I still swallowed it, not because I entirely believed him, but being rather a pleasant fiction I opted to not challenge it.  Besides which, I was already rather used to being lied to.

"We were just going to clear customs.  Jeff told me to go in a different line from him and he would meet me at the other end.  Later he was nowhere to be found.  I looked and searched all over for him.  About a half hour later, I saw him at the exit of the terminal, allegedly looking for a cab.  He scolded me tartly about getting lost, said nothing about the absence of his aunt Joyce, except that there had been a miscommunication, so we went back to the terminal where a worker helped book us a hotel.

"Oh, I should also mention that before he left me at customs, he demanded that I give him five hundred pounds so it would look okay with the customs officials.  Of course, he was really just trying to get away from me and leave me stranded and abandoned in this huge foreign city of London..."

The Peacock 166

 By this time, Jeff had extorted me already out of several thousand dollars, allegedly for rent, food, and extra so he could change his plane ticket.  Even though I could have, and probably should have had him arrested and laid criminal charges, at that time, we were very reluctant to make a fuss about money, given how strong our conviction to trust God for everything and not worry one bit about money.  Stupid perhaps, but also very good and noble.  but this kind of thinking also made us, Doreen, Dianne and I, very vulnerable to exploitation.  

"I later learnt that all that money was going up his nose,  but I was determined to get him to London, and also to stay with him for as long as I could,.  I was lonely, in mourning, I had lost my closest friend ever, Doug, and my community, and really had nothing left.  Plus, I had become programmed to take care of others, even if it killed me.  And it almost did.  

"We got our tickets changed, anyway, and a week later, Jeff and I were on a flight to London.  Stupid perhaps, but what an adventure was awaiting me..."

The Peacock 165

 "And the lies that Jeff told me.  Let me count the ways  There was the time he told me he was sick in hospital, St Paul's, with stomach cancer.  He was trying to get out of taking this trip with me, as he did not want to face the police in London and who knows what other lies of his would get exposed?  I got a phone call from him about it, anyway, so I went to the hospital to see him there, functioning still on very limited sleep.  I asked at reception and they had no record of him being there.

"I went up to the chapel in the hospital for quiet prayer.  Some women were having a prayer service, so I sat in the very back to stay out of their way.  Apparently, I was not wanted there.  I had fallen asleep, they decided I was some sort of vagrant and called security, and this poor security guard very reluctantly and shamefacedly had to escort me out of the hospital.  I will never forget the look of absolute fear and loathing on the sanctimonious face of the good catholic woman who had me thrown out.  I imagine there is a special place in hell for her kind.

"But even that nasty little lesson was not going to be enough to dissuade me from wanting to help and heal poor lost little Jeff.  I was really every bit as pathetic, stupid.  lonely and lovelorn as was Dianne with her ridiculous little boy man of an addict.  But I was caught up in the emotion and I also sensed somehow that God's hand was in it.  I still believe to this day, that despite the absolute stupidity of my choices and actions, that there was a divine purpose and intent and I was soon to find this out the only way I could learn it.  On my own.  The hard way..."

The Peacock 164

 "It appeared that Jeff and I  would be together long term in London.  He told me some pretty fabulous lies.  That he had a friend in Amsterdam we could stay with, and also an aunt in London who would take us into her home as soon as we arrived.  I swallowed all of it and he would frequently tell me 'You are young...and blonde'.  From the largess of the money I got from my mother's death, I bought our plane tickets, with flexibility in case I needed to return sooner than expected.  My idea was that I would find some kind of work and a place to live but I really had nothing realistic sketched out.  It was really the stupidest trip I ever could have taken, and my first ever experience, at the age of thirty-five of international travel.  And Jeff, evidently had been back and forth between England and Canada many times and he himself was a British subject with a plummy public school boy's accent.  Which made him all the sexier, natch.

"In the meantime, I continued to take care of him, entertain his friends, and tolerate his various sex buddies. After two weeks of sleeping there on his couch I had had enough and returned to Richmond for  a rest where I stayed until the day of our departure to London.  It was a lovely day of late May, morning, and I had spent the night on his couch, since I didn't want to sleep with him, ever.  He insisted that I go ahead of him to the airport and there wait for him. His friend and ex lover drove me out there.  I could tell he was trying to warn me about something but it never really quite got through.  My friends, Jonn, the young native man he was in love with, and Doreen were there to see me off, and following lunch together I was already running late, and after waiting and waiting for him he didn't appear to be on his way.  My friends had already left and so I was just doing my check in, then making my way to departures just as the last call was being announced for my flight.  

"That was when Dianne appeared like a bat materializing out of the dark ether, and she started to argue with me, justify what she was doing with Michael her beloved little loser, and arguing and arguing, and I couldn't get rid of her and thanks to that stupid woman, I missed my flight.  She had already vanished again before I could kick her ass.   Now having nowhere to go, I went and got on a bus and returned to Doreen in the farmhouse in Richmond..."

The Peacock 163

 "Doreen moved back to the farmhouse during that time. Dianne´s new friend Michael had basically taken the place over, was often high on drugs, messy, unhelpful, dependent and rude.  Dianne insisted he was getting better.  She believed that she had a special call, ministry and spiritual gift for healing.  But her inability to set boundaries and her infatuation with this poor loser only worsened things, plus, she began to blame both Doreen and I for abandoning her, instead of supporting her in her ministry to this poor waste of DNA.  Just before Doreen came to live in the farmhouse, I think it was still early May, I had one rude surprise.  I came home on a clear bright sunny evening, and I noticed that Doug's things were in the house and he had hung various cheap Chinese scrolls on the living room window, a clear sign that he fully intended to move in and take the place over.  He was outside, but came in and I asked him what the hell he was doing here.  He replied that God had called him to come back and live in the house, and since I should be on my way to Europe right now, Doreen would be perfectly vulnerable for him to control and exploit.  

"But he didn't yet know that before he came in I had called the police.  And I said to him that this time I meant it.  I was not in the mood for enduring yet another one of his beatings, and the coward took off just before a cop arrived.  I told him the problem, and he advised me to let them know if Doug came back because I had a very valid case against him.  

"Doug disappeared for quite a while.  He took off across Canada and ended up in Newfoundland where he founded his own little cult with two gullible individuals, a woman who was in love with him and a young closeted male.  Doreen and Dianne were both of course, horrified and very disapproving that I would call the cop son their dear darling little Dougly, and I simply told them to get over it.  I was just glad to be finally rid of him...

The Peacock 162

 "It was really a messy situation if ever I found myself in one.  I was also taking care of his dog, a gentle and very sweet natured Dalmatian pup.  Jeff could not bring himself to clean the accumulated dogshit from the balcony.  So, I did it.  He was too wrecked or hungover to walk his dog.  I did it.  I took his calls, I bought his food, I cooked for him and fed him.  I met his friends, all of them were into drugs and riotous living, or so it seemed.  He appeared to have quite a network, and I think a lot of people, when they didn't pity him as a pathetic waste of DNA, were also drawn in by his charisma.  And he wasn't a bad musician.  He never really broke through but he did sound pretty good. nothing really outstanding, just a mediocre Rod Stewart wannabe, with Rod Stewart hair and a Rod Stewart face and a Rod Stewart taste for alcohol and drugs and sex. 

I was of course, going through my own set of sorrows.  I was recovering from my mother's death, and  the death of my friendship with Doug, and as a Christian community we were already facing a very uncertain future.  I had no idea what to do with the rest of my life, hence my desire to go to London, carry with me the manuscript for my novel and look for a publisher.

That was when one day after returning from a couple of days off from Jeff, I found him weeping in his apartment.  He was clutching a letter announcing the murder of his ex lover in London.  And he was being summoned by police to come there and visit them in Scotland Yard for questioning.  We exchanged glances and through his tears Jeff said, it looks like we're going to London together and I could only nod in agreement... "

The Peacock 161

 "Jeff was very depressed when I saw him on the sidewalk, so we spent the night together.  Not that together, although that seemed to be his original plan with me.  We went to the Dufferin together where we hung out over a beer or three (he did all the drinking, I just had club soda with lime). We closed the place down, then he invited me back to his apartment in the West End, not far from Stanley Park.  Stupidly, I went to bed with him, but with the idea that nothing would happen.  He did try to hit on me.  I ignored him, I got up and slept on the couch.  I didn't really fall asleep, woke up at 5:30, left him a note with my phone number, then took one of the first buses out to the farmhouse in Richmond where I promptly went to sleep.

"Jeff phoned me.  He was a mess.  I became his caretaker.  He was in his way, very sexy and charismatic, I did say he was a failed rock star, and I turned into sort of his assistant,  I practically lived in his apartment, while cleaning up his messes, sitting with him when he was miserable and humouring him during his temper tantrums.  I also allowed him to extort money from me, supposedly to pay his rent (later I learned that the money all went up his nose).  But I had something else in mind,  I had made up my mind that I was going to London, England, or the real London.  I had just cashed in rather nicely on my share of my mother's death benefits.  Jeff was British, and recently had lived in London.  So, we talked about both of us flying there together, and I would be looking after him because, among other things, Jeff had AIDS, and I was quite prepared to care for him while he was dying..."

The Peacock160

 "We seemed to do okay without Doug in the picture.  It was also my time to recover, because I had just had three years of that oppressive bastard while coping with my mother's impending death.  Jonn was suddenly homeless, so I let him stay in the apartment and I went to Richmond where I lived alone, fulltime in the farmhouse.  I busied myself doing more renovations and painting.  And I still spent a lot of time downtown and was also meeting Doreen and Dianne for prayer at Shiloh House every morning.  It was time to get myself back, to reclaim the life that had just been swallowed whole by Doug, community and trauma.  I was also sleeping and resting a lot.

"At the end of April I gave up the apartment, since Jonn had found an apartment.  We were all getting rather stupid.  Dianne became emotionally involved with a young addict with mental health issues, Jonn got mixed up with another person with problems, and I got messed up with Jeff, failed rock star and Rod Stewart wannabe.  Oh, it was the perfect storm.  Dianne moved her new dysfunctional heartthrob into Shiloh House where he became an ongoing problem.  She, as always, refused to heed anything Doreen had to say about it, and poor Doreen, she really got the worst of it, until she had to leave Shiloh House and move to the farm house in order to just cope.  Dianne´s beloved little Michael, by the way, was the same age as her daughter.

"But I was being every bit as stupid and clueless, and it all started the night I closed down the apartment, went for a walk downtown, and made the mistake of stopping to chat with Jeff..."

The Peacock 159

 "First of all", says Aaron, "I would like to correct a bit of misinformation from when we were out in the back this morning.  When I caught Doug and his ex boyfriend leaving the apartment, that was not when I called the meeting.  That happened a couple of weeks later.  Mom had been dead less than a month already, and I was going to spend a few quiet days of retreat at the farmhouse.  Since Doug, Doreen and Dianne and I were still trying to meet together for prayer as often as possible, I had already announced this to them the night before, so there was no way that Doug would not have known that I would be coming out there, and he also knew that I should be left alone.

"I took the bus out to Richmond in the early evening.  As soon as I opened the door, something didn't feel right.  I noticed two pairs of shoes by the door, and a couple of jackets, one being Doug's.  I went into the living room, and in the bedroom just off the living room, where I often slept, I noticed two silhouettes on the bed.  No one said anything.  I quickly left, sensing that somehow it would be very dangerous for me to confront them alone.  I walked to the gas station, where I called a cab, and Doreen to let her know I was spending the night with her and Dianne in Shiloh House. That was back in the day, before cell phones, in case you were wondering.

"The following morning, Doreen and Dianne and I prayed together, and we realized that it was time to call a meeting with Doug, and if necessary, that he be expelled from our community.  I already told you guys the rest of the story, but just to sum it up for Jesús, I will say it in Spanish:

"Cuando nos convenimos el próximo día, llegó Doug con nada que contarnos, simplemente nos admitió de su hecho inapropiado, luego nos entregó las llaves para la casa y el apartamento, y se fue.  Dianne también estaba para renunciarse con nosotros porque ella había enamorado con Doug, pero la persuadimos al contrario, Doreen y yo y ella cambió la idea, mucho a nuestro muy remordimiento después.

"In English, you guys, simply that we called that meeting with Doug and the coward, instead of owning up, just dropped off his keys and left for good.  Dianne almost went with him, and stupidly we got her to change her mind..."

The Peacock 158

 "First", says Aaron, "About Francois."

"Yes, there is a story there", Carl says.  "I heard a little bit from Melissa following breakfast this morning, and she said she was going to handle it."

"What exactly was going on?"

"I still don't have the details, and it might be a while before Francois is forthcoming, but it turns out that Doug had made him his personal slave.   According to Melissa, and this is only what she saw, when she forced open Doug's office door, he was just beginning to give Francois a beating with a stick.  Francois was prone, kneeling on the floor, his wrists bound behind his back.  He was naked."

"Oh, fuck!" says Aaron, shaking his head slowly.  "Even coming from Doug that is pretty horrendous.  I am just lost for words."

"Fortunately he fears and obeys my sister, Doug, I mean.  He knows she could easily turn him into luncheon meat, so he quietly undid the rope tying Francois´s wrists, he put on his clothes, and Melissa says, she had to lead him gently by the arm.  He is still in shock.  Did you see him with the cat?"

"It was clear the cat was trying to comfort him."

"Thomas is a most amazing beast.  He has been divinely gifted."

"So, before I go on with my tale, could you maybe tell us a bit about how Doug got up here?  I mean, I am surprised to hear he's been here for two years, but when I was up here last summer, I didn't see him anywhere."

"It's just as well.  We had sent him on a road trip with Robert."

"Is there a story there?" I ask, chuckling.

"More than you would care to hear right now, Grasshopper, and more than I would dare to tell."

"In other words, Later."

"That's right, brother Christopher.  and now it is time for brother Aaron to continue his tale."

The Peacock 157

 "The drive doesn't seem quite so long, this time.  It felt like at least two hours coming up here the other day with Melissa, but I realize now that when I am in a heightened state as I was yesterday, funny things happen to my perceptions of time.  It either slows down or it speeds up.  It could also be time of day.  It is just eleven now, and we are already almost at the highway.  Perhaps a fifteen minute drive, no more than that.  I am in the back seat with Jesús and Aaron and Carl have been quietly exchanging witticisms concerning the conversation during coffee this morning.  

"How did we get stuck with her?" Aaron grumbles concerning Carol.

"She is a piece of work, I'll say", answers Carl.

"Could you believe how she spoke to him?"

"And look how well Francois answered her back.  Missing not a beat."

"And the way you weighed in with your fake Cockney accent!"

"Oh, she had it coming."

"How did she get here?" Aaron asks.

"The same as the rest of you dear darling guests!"

"Robert."

"But, who else?  He met her at St. James, where she was attending for spiritual solace while caring for her dying mother, who moved here across the pond a few years ago, it turns out.  Her official line is that she moved here five years ago to take care of her ailing mother, but there are reports, however clandestine about a handsome Canadian doctor, so they swooned off together, then he left her for some sweet young thing, and her mental health went south, and so the inevitable..."

"She is delicate right now", Aaron says.

"How can you tell?" say I from the back seat.

Carl says, "She's already made a few slip ups, most recently this morning when she made that horrible racist comment.  Her mask keeps slipping and she has to fight like mad to keep it on straight.  But it isn't really fair to discuss her when she is not present to defend herself.  So, my good Aaron, you were going to continue your story here, weren't you?"

The Peacock 156

 Jesús asks, "Are we going to read the diary today?  The one written in Spanish?"

"We can do that this afternoon, during our meeting time, if you want", Carl says.

"Oh yes, the diary.  You say you found it in your bedroom last night?" asks Carol.

"I've known about it for sometime.  And very fortunately, with help from Jesús, and from Aaron, if he's up to it", "

"We can work as a team, but Jesús is the native Spanish speaker around here", says Aaron.

"But you can still help me with the English translation", says Jesús.  "I still struggle a bit, especially with translations."

Francois, still quiet, looks up from the cat he has been stroking nonstop, his eyes widened with curiosity.

"By the way, Jesús, I'm going into town just after coffee with Christopher and Aaron.  Would you like to join us?"

"I would, yes, thank you."

"Anyone else?  Francois, Carol, my darling little sister?"

"How many bodies do you plan on cramming into that damn little car of yours?" says Melissa.

"Well, you're not big, sis', we could put you in the trunk."

"You even try that, darling male sibling, and your head will be the new hood ornament."

While the rest of us are laughing, Carl merely says, "Well, someone has to take care of home and hearth I suppose."

"That's right", Melissa says primly but with a smile this time.  "Women's' work..."

The Peacock 154

 "Hey, Carol", says Carl."There are a lot of black people in England, eh?"

"Too many."  Aware of the shocked silence to which she has just become a centrifugal force and cause, she shifts uncomfortably, between mouthfuls of cake, and says sheepishly, "I mean to say, a lot.  There are a lot of blacks in England."

Carl says, "You meant, too many."

"Darling", she says with a forced smile, "I am not a racist."

Now Francois is staring at her with a cool, calm and measured glare.

"Oh", she says, averting her eyes from him. "I'm sorry."

Francois doesn't respond, simply continues staring at her.  He is not about to give her a pass, and his clemency clearly is not going to come cheap. 

"They´re like that throughout Europe", says Melissa.  "Even in the Netherlands.  Deplorable."

"England", Carol snaps, "is not part of Europe.  You have never heard of Brexit?"

"England, the whole United Kingdom," says Aaron, "Is very much part of Europe.  And unlike the French or the Italians, they don't know how to cook."

"You've never had a good English breakfast before?" Carol says querulously.

"Not if you fancy canned baked beans with eggs deep fried in oil and dry white toast."

I almost say something about my conversation on Skype today with Erik, about Turks not being Swedes, but now I think it's good that we are now off-topic.

Francois leans back, relaxed with the cat on his lap, and smiling, hw is clearly starting to enjoy the show...

 "How long were you at the monastery?", I ask Francois.

"Long enough."  He hasn't had coffee or cake, just seems absorbed in cuddling the big cat on his lap.

"How did you leave?"

"Carl came and got me."

"How did that happen?"

"Jeff and George were both in touch with me.  One of the brothers gave me their contact information, because I just had to get out of there.  I left vespers early, stuffed all my clothes in a plastic bag, and there he was standing outside his car in the driveway.  We were gone before anyone could track me."

"Why did you leave?"

He doesn't answer.  He has become suddenly very withdrawn, and it is clear that the subject is now closed.

Suddenly, to Carl, Francois says, "Can I sleep here tonight?"

"As far as we're concerned, Francois, you have already moved in. After lunch, Christopher will take you up to your room, which will be right next to his."  Carl looks at me, smiling, and says, "Thanks, Christopher."

"No worries."

"And in just five minutes we are going for a car ride", he says, still smiling...

  

The Peacock 153

 The spice honey cake is delicious and the coffee brewed to perfection.  Everyone has gone awkwardly silent at this delicate moment.  We all want to know what really happened, but no one is about to ask Francois for any details.  Perhaps, later, Melissa, or Carl, will be more forthcoming.  The large orange cat comes over and sniffs discretely at Francois' ankle, then jumps onto his lap.  Carol has been trying to engage him in conversation, but he seems more absorbed in caressing and absorbing himself in the affectionate orange presence that is now purring on his lap.  She has just made the big mistake that a lot of people make with persons of colour.  She has just asked him  where he is from.  He looks up at her and murmurs, "Montreal."

"Yes", shes says, "But where are you REALLY from?"

Instead of reacting to her offensive question, asked likely out of pure privileged ignorance, Francois merely says calmly, "I was born in Montreal.  Grew up speaking French and English, simultaneously."  Then he holds her in the bright dark gaze of his eyes, and asks Carol, "And where are YOU from?"

"Why, I am from England, of course!"

"But where are you REALLY from? " 

"I am from England", she says, already struggling to contain her impatience.  "My family can be traced back to the sixteenth century.  A female ancestor of mine happened to be lady-in-waiting to Ann Boleyn."

"Who was she?"  

Before she has a chance to explode and say something really offensive, chimes in Carl in a fake Cockney accent, "She was one of the wives of King 'Enry the Eighth.  'e lopped off 'er 'ead, y'know!"

Only Carol is not laughing...

The Peacock 152

"I have been attending Father Douglas in his seclusion", says Francois.

"Father Douglas", Aaron snorts.  

"Consider yourself delivered", Melissa quips.

"Is there a story there?" I ask.

"You're using my line", Carl says, smiling.  "Francois, just enjoy yourself with us, eh?"

"But, Father Douglas", he implores.

"Fuck Father Douglas", Carl says.

Carol says, deadpan, "Oh, you vulgar little man." And then she grins wickedly.

"I just had a talk with Doug after breakfast", Melissa says.

"Doug?" says Francois.

"That is his name", Aaron says, arching his brow rather.

Melissa continues, "I just told the Grand Poobah that if he ever tries that again here, then he'll be on the next bus to Vancouver before he knows what hit him."

"You what?" Carl says, shocked at his sister.  

"You heard me the first time, darling big brother.  And if I have to bodily eject him out of here, then I will."

"I can't believe you did that."

"You mean, you can't believe I have a black belt in karate."

"Do you really?" asks Carol, admiringly.

"That´s how I keep Carl in line", says Melissa, with a malicious little cackle...

"

"

The Peacock 151

 "How long have you been part of the community?" I ask Francois

"It'll be a year next month", he says, still smiling.

"How's it going?"

"Better than I expected.  There are...challenges."

"you mean Douglas?" Carl says smiling grimly.

"Now, he isn't here to defend himself."

"Is he still in seclusion?" asks Aaron.

"Likely for the rest of this month". replies Francois.

"We know each other", Aaron says.

"You and Douglas know each other?"

"Long time ago."

I ask him, "how did you come here to this community."

"I came here from the monastery."

"Another refugee", says Carl, helping himself to coffee and cake by the tea trolley. "

"Were all of you in the monastery?" I ask.

"Three of us.  The three women here are from the city.  and six others came from a different community.  and there is also Tristan, the young guy.

"So there are thirteen of you?" Carol asks.

"Fourteen with Douglas."

"And who is this Douglas?" she asks.

"you don't want to find out",  Aaron says.

"I'm afraid Aaron is right", says Francois, almost as an apology to Carol.

The Peacock 150

 We are having morning coffee in the same reception room.  I count here, Jesús, Melissa, who is chatting with him on one of the sofas, and Carol, who is comfortably seated in an armchair across from another occupied by a young black man I have never seen before.  Aaron finds his place on another couch and Carl and I are in the two corresponding armchairs, forming rather a triangle.

Melissa looks up at her brother in order to deliver a half sour "You´re late."

"Five minutes", Carl retorts, "So sue me."

"You'll have your day in court, Big Brother."  It is delivered so deadpan that it is almost impossible to tell if she is joking.  There is a slight edge of menace to her tone that rather sets me off.  The black visitor has very closely cropped hair and I find him very handsome.  There seems to be a light of wellbeing glowing through his ebony skin.

"Coffee ready?" is all Carl says.

"It's waiting there on the tea trolley and the gorgeous spice honey cake that Carol and I worked our butts off getting ready for your ungrateful stomach."  She has delivered this so flat, toneless and deadpan, that surely she must be in jest and I realize now that this is simply their form of childhood play.

"Very kind of you to wait for us." Carl says with a satirical grin.  Our African guest smiles broadly, clearly entertained by the sibling banter. He turns his gaze towards me and says, "My name is Francois."

"Christopher.  Glad to meet you."

"And I am so very glad to meet you, Christopher."

Melissa says, "Francois is one of the community brothers here.  He would like to get to know all of you here, so he will be with us for all meals and social sessions..."

The Peacock 149

 "Is this the first time you saw the peacock?" Carl asks.

"The second.  I saw it yesterday morning before breakfast.  I also heard it early this morning and yesterday."

Carl says nothing further, and it is clear that for now the subject is closed. At least he seems to accept it.

"Aaron's way ahead of us", he says

"How big is this place anyway?"

"About two square kilometres.  The provincial government is after us to let them have most of it, for development.  We want to keep it to protect the environment.  And also for God's work."

"Aren't those one and the same?" I ask.

"I suppose so.  But really, Melissa and I are both starting to waver.  This place is a lot of work.  The original deal with the brothers and sisters of the community here was that they would help with the work around the place in exchange for free housing.  And it was all working okay, and really, no one has ever had to work more than four hours a day to keep this place going  But there is one problem."

"Being?"

"Harold.  Their  current leader.  Ever since he arrived here two years ago, he's been problematic."

"How did he arrive?"

"Another one of Robert's charity projects gone awry, and of course he would dump this one on us, since he didn't want to handle the responsibility.  Story of our lives here", says Carl, with a slightly bitter tone.

"How big is the house?"

"Sixty rooms.  There is space for everyone and more."  Aaron has stopped, waiting for us to catch up with him...

The Peacock 148

 "Christopher, are you coming?" The voice is coming from Carl.  I can hardly hear him, and there it is again.  The peacock, perched so serenely in the lowest branch of the southern magnolia..  The plumage glitters and glows, the royal blue of the neck like the finest velvet but enhanced and otherworldly, and the cascading feathers of its tail, shining the deepest green and blue, then gold and copper and the eyes all staring in blue and golden ovals.  I have never seen anything so lovely, and the leaves, everything around the peacock are suddenly luminescent and glowing...

"Christopher!"  Slowly, reluctantly, I turn to follow my new friends.  I cannot tell them what I have seen.  I am sure now that only I can see the peacock.

I walk respectfully behind as we return to the mansion, flanked now by irises gold and purple, now tulips of every hue and form.   My eyes are fixed to the ground.  Further off, two men and a woman I have not seen before, are working around the rose bushes, on their knees pulling weeds.   And now the small trees with clusters of red flowers, luminescent in the morning sunlight.  Here the house begins to loom, a menacing and stately behemoth, holding and containing such secrets that one would dare not discern. And I will be here for a month, maybe longer, out here in the wilderness, surrounded by such strange and outlandish people.  But Carl and Aaron both are my friends, and with them both I will be safe.

Carl stops and turns slowly around, an anxious smile etching concern on his handsome face.  

"What's up?" he says, almost challenging me.

"What do you mean, what's up?"

"What is going on with you, just right now, I mean?"  Aaron keeps walking ahead.

Then it just slips out of my mouth.  "I saw a peacock."

"Just now?"

"Sitting in the magnolia tree."

"You too?"

"So, it's really there?"

"Later", Carl says, his arm comforting me as it rests across my upper back...

The Peacock 147

 "You were under an amazing amount of pressure and stress and from all sides", I mention.

"Oh, but it gets even more interesting." says Aaron.  I caught both Harold and Carlos leaving the apartment together .  Did I mention that I had come very soon to regret giving that imbecil a key?  It was early February, and such timing, just as I was in mourning for my mother and not to mention the many people close to us that were dying from AIDS, suicide and overdoses!  

"I called a meeting at the house in Richmond.  First arrived Dianne and Doreen, then Doug.  He wouldn't stay.  He simply dropped off his keys and agreed that he had to leave, and then he took off, knowing that he had finally lost his power over me.  

"We were all  three of us, of course, kind of gobsmacked.  From now on it would be just us three.  And it was already clear that Dianne really hated me.  So, very primly, she put her key on the table and said, if  Doug isn't staying, then neither am I.  Very stupidly, Doreen and I persuaded her to change her mind, pick up her key and continue with us.  

"And then the shit really started to hit the fan... But what time is it?"

Carl looks at his watch.  "It's just ten.  We should head back before they send out a search party."

"Aaron", I say, "Can we continue with this after coffee break?"

Carl says, "I will be driving you, Christopher, into town so you can pick up your things from your car.  But Aaron, why don't you come along for the ride, we can keep on with your account, and have lunch in town.  I'm sure they won't miss us here..."