Hanging Christmas Out to Dry III

Christmas is indelibly linked to family, it is really all about family.  Jesus and Santa Claus are window dressing for the main event: the nuclear family.  If you have one you're in.  If you don't, then you're out.  I am sure that some of the emotion I feel around Christmas has to do with both my parents being dead and every other blood relation being way and long out of the picture.  Being older, single, male and poor doesn't help either.  My demographic is even more vulnerable to suicide than adolescent males.  It isn't because we are not liked, but because we have outlived our usefulness.  We are no longer handsome, our health is beginning to fail, and we're broke.  Is it any wonder  that we are least likely to be invited anywhere, not phoned, emailed or even thought of during Christmas?  We are already dead.  Get through the mourning process whichever way we can and accept the loss.  We still have a life and if we don't harm ourselves we can be around for up to four or five decades longer.  This I remind myself from time to time as a way to get me through the dark night that is called Christmas.  Working and caring for others helps.  It takes my mind off myself and keeps me focussed on the wellbeing of others.  Getting paid for it is also nice.  Platitudes are generally useless.

     Last year, a few days before Christmas I had a nasty emotional spell and was unable to cope.  I emailed two people I assumed to be friends, both Anglican priests.  One emailed me back and said oh, how awful, I do hope you get through this okay.  The other said that he would pray that Christ and the Angels would be present to comfort me.  Neither of them offered to visit, talk with me, invite me anywhere or even to talk with me a bit on the phone on Christmas Day.  They didn't seem to really care that I was distraught and in need of human presence.  Fortunately my step-cousin, the only person in my family still in touch with me had the presence of mind to invite me over for tea Christmas Day before I went to work.

     As I have already mentioned I have given up Christmas this year and it has been altogether easier to cope.  Still not very pleasant but I do feel stronger now than in the past.  The day passed okay.  I was up early, at 7:40 and worked from home on a project for work then walked for a while.  After stopping for a coffee and to work on a drawing in my sketchbook, while also trying to ignore two very annoying and obviously affluent individuals at the next table I walked the remaining distance to work.  I took five patients out for a long walk and then we warmed up in a local coffee shop before heading back to the facility for dinner and a game of Scrabble.  Not a bad outcome at all for Christmas Day.  Save for one, no contact from "friends" but for one, but now it doesn't seem to matter and since I am boycotting Christmas I haven't called anyone and I keep reminding myself that neither have I any right to expect anyone to contact me, especially today.

     In conclusion, if you happen to know anyone like me who is alone and isolated and not likely to be invited anywhere for Christmas here are some suggestions:

1. Get over your embarrassment about having family and friends.  Ask him what he is doing for Christmas.

2. If he says he has no plans ask him if he is okay with this.  Some people actually are, but many are not and often lie about it to protect their feelings.  If you think you are not hearing the whole story, probe.

3. If he says he has no plans for Christmas you could, a. Invite him to spend time with you and your family and friends or even just with yourself or, b. If you are going to be out of town or visiting relatives elsewhere offer to visit in a café, or your place or his, or c. if time doesn't permit, offer to phone or email.  Over the years I have tried all these approaches when I was less isolated and there were always grateful individuals accepting my offer.

4. Don't think that just because you might offer to visit or speak to him on Boxing Day or the day after instead that that is going to ameliorate things.  I know that for me, it is the not having contact with others during the day, Christmas Day itself, that is often so painful and even a phone call from a friend Christmas morning (which never happens) would help.

5. Just because you have your own issues around Christmas and family don't assume that your discomfort is going to be a match for those who feel alone and unwanted.  This is often like comparing a mild tooth ache with a broken leg.

6. For those of you who think Christmas should be family and for family only please consider how selfish and closed-minded you are being, expand your sense of family to include friends, especially friends who are alone and isolated.

One thing that should never, ever be done: if someone tells you he will be alone at Christmas and is distraught about it don't tell him to man up and get over it and suck it up because everyone has trouble at Christmas.  This is not only cruel but also very ineffective and you just might be responsible for triggering a mental health crisis or worse.