I no longer celebrate Christmas. This has been rather a difficult decision following several years of heart-ache and rejection. I have no family and the friends that I seem to have have always made excuses for not wanting to see me. This has left me feeling not worth it and unwanted. Over the last several years I seem to have developed a decent coping strategy. I spend the afternoon of Christmas Day working at Venture, a small psychiatric facility where I am employed. It isn't exactly a nurturing situation for me but I get to reach out and help others and this helps me get through the day. I also get paid for it, not double time since I am a contract worker but I would do it anyway for free. Every Boxing Day for the last couple of years a friend has invited me to her open house. I enjoy these times so It isn't all bad. Even though I am a Christian I have decided to boycott church services this year. No one at church ever invites me for Christmas and they know my situation so I'd rather not set myself up again for rejection.
One member of this church actually chewed me out for being in need. I had sent around an email asking various friends, acquaintances and colleagues for support since I had nowhere to go for Christmas. I found him brutal, rude and unhelpful, felt devastated by his attack and for years felt wary of him. One person replied that she didn't feel sorry for people who feel sorry for themselves. I promptly ended the friendship. Another told me I was being needy. This has cast a shadow on our friendship that remains to this day.
This is an amputation. Since I did this I have not felt so vulnerable to depression. I am taking action. I am saying to Christmas and to everyone who again is going to treat me like I don't exist this year "Go away, I don't need you." I have chosen that with or without Christmas this year I am going to enjoy myself and celebrate life itself. This isolates me from the community but the community has already isolated me so I am simply not accepting any more punishment.
I have not morphed into a Grinch. None of the good citizens of Who-Ville have ever invited me to celebrate Christmas with them, In fact, were I to crash their Christmas dinner I would be promptly expelled. Neither am I begrudging others the enjoyment of the season. I have wished no one a Merry Christmas this year. When some one says Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to me I smile nicely and say thank you. I have not thrown into the blue bin any of the seven Christmas cards I have received. These symbolize good will and they are on display in my apartment. I enjoy seeing them. I have not put up Christmas lights this year, nor have I cut out paper snowflakes. I am not giving specially to charity (I actually give year round to the food bank, the needy I meet on the sidewalk and (when I think they deserve it) my church. I have not bothered to talk to my priest about this. I have found clergy to be pretty useless when it comes to practical matters so I am not going to bother her (but she is going to read this blog.) I do not feel deprived of the wonder of the Incarnation or of the marvelous simple beauty of the Christmas Story, since this is a daily reality for my life as a Christian. I am even trying to boycott eggnog this Christmas, for health reasons as well. Heart attack in a carton.
I really don't know why I am left alone like this every Christmas. The depressions have been dreadful and I have been dreading them for the last eight years or so. I feel that I have experienced a measure of healing and can move forward again with this. No one has ever explained to me why I am ignored during this time when no one without family or close friends should have to be left alone but almost always is. I have been proactive enough about this and they ignore me. Well, there is no need for this to continue. Hey everyone, I have killed Christmas and I only hope that something precious in me has not died with it and let's celebrate because I am never going to be hurt by any of you again. I have always tried to be on the lookout for friends and acquaintances who were going to be alone at Christmas and have done what I could to help them feel included, whether inviting them for dinner or brunch or for a visit over coffee or even a visit on the phone. I have given up waiting for the courtesy to be reciprocated.
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