One Hundred Things I Am Not Going To Do Before I Die

Hey, boys and girls.  You've probably heard and read more than enough about the one hundred things you should do, see, visit or eat before you die?  Well, here is a list of one hundred things I am not going to do before I die.

 Vices

1. Resume using tobacco

2. Drink above the legal limit

3. Try heroin

4. Try cocaine

5. Smoke crack

6. Try crystal meth

7. Use any other illegal substances (and no one knows if I ever have before)

Politics

8. Join a political party

9. Vote Conservative

10. Vote Fascist (see 9)

11. Run for elected office (What! Are you crazy?)

12. Run for unelected office

13. Flatter a politician

Recreation and travel

14. Climb the Grouse Grind (it's way too popular, crowded and trendy and my version of enjoying nature does not involve gasping and hyperventilating while someone's bum is in my face.)

15. Bungee Jump (I'm not that bored)

16. Sky dive (if God wanted us to know how it feels to fly outside a plane he would have given us wings)

17. Scuba dive (Do I look like a fish, well, seriously, do I?)

18. Visit the North Pole (Santa doesn't need another elf)

19. Visit the South Pole (Don't want to slip in penguin shit)

20. Climb Everest (I'm afraid of heights)

21. Visit North Korea (Kim Chi okay, I guess, but certain other Kims, no thanks)

22. Visit China

23. See the Great Wall of China (guess why)

24. Visit India (although I like curry)

25. See the Taj Majal (guess why)

26. Visit Uzbekistan (it's full of Uzbeks)

27. Visit Tajikistan (it's full of Tajiks)

28. Visit Turkmenistan (it's full of, well, you know)

29. Visit Moldova (where the hell is Moldova?)

30. Go anywhere in Russia (except maybe St. Petersburg, which I understand to be almost unbearably beautiful.)

31. Go anywhere on an all-inclusive (really, if I want to sit around and get drunk and behave badly with other people who speak English I can do it a lot more cheaply in a huge selection of bars that are in my neighbourhood.)

32. Go hiking across the Sahara (don't want sand in my shoes)

33. Play hockey (there are so many reasons why not to go into detail about this that I'm leaving it alone. I don't want to get thrown in the slammer for treason)

34. Watch professional sports on TV. (boring, and counterintuitive.  While cramming chips and beer in your pie hole in front of the idiot box you're not out there on the field burning it off.)

35. Play golf (it frightens the bunnies.)

36. Attend the Olympics in any capacity that is not to protest.

37. Stay in a hotel where I have to pay more for one night than I earn in a week. (maybe unless someone else is paying)

38. Visit Uganda

Professional

39. Work in a bank

40. Work in McDonald's (I might last an hour)

41. Work at Tim Horton's (might last an hour and five minutes)

42. Work at Wallmart (might last an hour and six minutes)

43. Work at Starbucks (might last five minutes)

44. Work as a cop

45. Do anything for the military (except care for an ailing or mentally ill war vet)

46. Sell my body (Oh, come on, you're laughing so loud I can hardly think!)

47. Be a pole dancer (What? Ya want I should do stand-up?)

48. Sell drugs

49. Work at a gas station.

50. Work for a political party.

Human Interest

51. Own a dog (raising a kid might be easier)

52. Raise a kid (a dog can be a problem usually for no longer than fifteen years and there's always lethal injection.)

53. Get married (There is no room for two on my throne)

54. Become a Buddhist (I'm a Christian)

55. Become a Jew (I'm a Christian)

56. Become a Muslim (Ditto)

57. Become a Hindu (Ditto)

58. Become a Baptist (Uh, wait a minute!)

59. Walk down the street naked (Stop gagging, you know you shouldn't eat while you're on the computer!)

60. Drive a Lamborghini (not even a stolen one)

61. Drive a Mercedes Benz (I can't even afford to look at one)

62. Drive a BMW

63. Drive a Volkswagen (I never learned to drive...anything)

64. Drive

65. Ride a skateboard

66. Get a tattoo

67. Dye my hair (hair?)

68. Wear a wig

69. Wear a toupee

70. Wear a comb over

71. Shave my head (hello, Comb Over!)

72. Own a castle

73. Own a bungalow (hello, Vancouver!)

74. Own a one bedroom condominium (Ditto)

75. Own a cardboard shack (Ditto)

76. Eat filet mignon (I'm vegetarian)

77. Eat squab (ditto)

78. Eat filet de sole (ditto)

79 Turn vegan (I'm not giving up cheese omelettes.)

80. Wear pink (maybe magenta)

81. Wear a dress

82. Wear make up

83. Wear women's underwear (depending on how much money I'm paid)

84. Go barmy and ga-ga over giant pandas

85. Attend a Michael Buble concert

86. Attend a Justin Beiber concert

87. Attend a Madonna Concert

88. Learn to like Rap (some Hip-Hop is okay, though)

89. Learn to like Heavy Metal

90. Take up jogging (walking is better and it doesn't make you look ridiculous)

91. Take up roller blading (ditto)

92. Join a yoga class

93. Join a tai chi class

94. Be a member of the One Percent (because God is merciful)

95. Learn to speak or write Klingon

96. Spend money I don't have (if you want to give me credit then tell me what a great blog this is or what a good artist I am.  Or what a nice person I can be.  Sometimes...)

97. Be a ballet dancer (I would look dreadful in a tu-tu and pink is not my colour)

98. Ski at Whistler (not my scene and I can't ski anyway)

99. Snowboard at Whistler (ditto)

100. Walk on water (that isn't already frozen and anyway it's already been done.)

I forgot number 101 even though I said I would write one hundred: Die.

Happy New Year everybody!

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