This morning I bumped into my former psychiatrist. Not literally. I'm sure he's still standing. I didn't recognize him at first and wasn't really looking to run into him or anyone else since I was really focussed on getting to the bus stop in time. I was on my way to church, if you need to know. When my ex-shrink said hi I suddenly knew him and marvelled that I hadn't realized before how short and small he is. He would be in his seventies now. When he retired in 2006 I was one of his last patients. We agreed together that after four years of meeting together every other Wednesday for fifty minutes I was as recovered as I could be from post traumatic stress disorder and that from now on it was going to be entirely up to me. I accepted this challenge with mixed feelings but on the whole I accepted it and have since done rather well with the rest of my recovery.
Of course there are setbacks. They are always going to occur. As I mentioned in yesterday's post I ran into a difficult confrontation with one of the participants, a bigoted poor-basher, in my Spanish conversation group. The fallout for me has been intense. I found myself actually seriously thinking of walking onto the Granville Street Bridge, only one block from where I live, and taking a swan dive into False Creek. My motive? Not for attention. These rare urges towards self harm have nothing to do with wanting attention and everything to do with the battle that I sometimes have to wage against the Self Hater. I did get over the urge to harm myself and did fall asleep after a fairly good evening of watching documentaries online in Spanish and English.
I am a newcomer to the parish I was visiting today. This is my fifth time. It is a small, well educated and diverse congregation and unlike the parish I have just left, for me a very welcoming environment. I was at the previous parish (Anglican) for nearly seven years, never felt fully welcome there and even managed to make quite a few enemies. Let's just say that it is not a very supportive parish and there is a very Darwinist, survival of the fittest mentality making it very difficult for anyone who doesn't really fit to feel comfortable. What complicates things is this is my parish church, which is to say, I live in the neighbourhood. Following one final indignity I left this parish in May. Out of a desire to find some route towards reconciliation I sent an email this morning to the rector's warden. She was neither welcoming or supportive so it looks like I have to cut my losses.
Following the service today in the new parish as I sat down with a cup of coffee in the ample narthex, a lady of the parish approached me, sat down and with one of the kindest faces I have seen in ages looked at me and said "I can tell that you are looking for healing here..." and then began to offer very wise and gentle counsel especially about taking care of myself and allowing God to just envelope me with his love. In nearly seven years at the other church nothing like this ever happened.
Later I went for a hike in the forest. During my meditation (instead of yoga or tai chi I walk and quietly pray and sing as my form of meditation and exercise. Try it sometime!) it occurred to me as I thought and prayed about it that it was my confrontation with the poor-bashing bigot yesterday that had motivated me to want to harm myself. His argument is very simple and hugely ill-informed: that poor Canadians are on welfare because they don't want to work and they deserve the ill treatment that they get. For me, a poor person, formerly on welfare for a whole variety of very valid reasons that are really none of anyone's business, and now an anti-poverty activist, Fighting Words. But he still dealt me a mortal wound.
I saw that the urge towards suicide came out of a deep-seated sense of shame and helplessness over my long term poverty and my absolute sense of helplessness to explain or justify this to people who are completely sold on capitalism and meritocracy. Like my parents. Despite all my years of educating and empowering myself and others and acting to try to eliminate discrimination against poor people I never entirely disowned my parents' way of thinking: that welfare is for losers and anyone who doesn't work should starve to death. It seems to be in my DNA. And that since yesterday afternoon I have been turning this position against myself. I really at a deep level have had to struggle and struggle hard against believing that my life does not have value, because of my experience of poverty, underemployment and mental illness, not to mention that I am still poor, though working full time, and that living in government subsidized housing I am still not fully supporting myself.
This is when the light really came on for me and it shone bright and strong and I can still see it shining. I had unconsciously consented to devaluing myself, through listening to this guy's right wing nonsense. I unwittingly accepted that because I was on welfare, because I am still poor, I am somehow worthless, will always be a burden on society and for this reason I had might as well end it all. And I would be doing exactly what the right wing, the Neo-Darwinists of unfettered global capitalism want to see. My destruction and the death and destruction of everyone whom to them is a burden on society and isn't somehow making money, generating wealth or at least devoting their lives to serving The Man. And then I told myself. No way. I am not going to give this individual nor anyone else of his ilk the pleasure or satisfaction of my death or self-destruction. By staying alive I am offending and goading them and by staying alive I am giving myself one more day to resist their pernicious and destructive lies and nonsense and I am going to continue to celebrate this gift of life because as long as I am here I will continue to fight and resist and do everything I can to expose and undermine these lies of capitalist materialism and advocate for the vindication of all the human rights that are ours as human beings by Divine Entitlement.
I will conclude by telling you two little things that happened today to get me over this hurdle. When I was about two years into my psychiatric treatment I was going through a struggle about suicide. In my psychiatrist's office I wrote down twice on two bright yellow lined sticky notes the words "I will do myself no harm." One copy I gave to my psychiatrist who put it in a small onyx box for safe-keeping (or, I think it was an onyx box.) The other copy I took home with me and stuck it just below my bathroom mirror where I see it every single day. It is still sticking there. Seeing Ed, my ex-shrink, this morning, has reminded me of this pledge and encourages me to stay true to it. The other thing that happened today was during my hike. I sat to rest on a bench. Soon a medium size dog, black and white with soft shaggy fur approached me, sidled up and rested her head on my lap while I stroked her head. Her human, a young woman came over and said that her dog never does that with strangers and that she must really like my energy. Shortly after a similar, black dog came over and sat next to me while I patted him.
While later reflecting on this unusual encounter with two dogs in a row I heard God speak to me deep in my heart: "What is the value of those two dogs? Do they work for a living? Do they make money? No? Then would you have them destroyed or done away with because they do not pull their weight?"
I replied, "Lord, they do not need to work for their living. They are loved and they love and that is their value, it is the beauty of their existence and presence."
It was as though God replied, "So it is and so it shall be with you and for all people. Never measure the value of a human life by money and work and money earned. You are loved, you are greatly loved and that is your worth and that is your value."
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