I find it difficult to write about this because of the high risk of exposing a certain individual without outright lying about the details. Well, I'm going to run the risk anyway and perhaps massage revealing details, you know, apply a few fig leaves of discretion to protect the rather, shall we say, sensitive zones?
The idea for this post was born after talking with an acquaintance (I could only think at first of the Spanish word "conocido" but I am directing this to an English speaking audience.) This fellow is from another, non-Western country and appears to have grown up with rather traditional, or shall we say, repugnant attitudes towards women.
I first met this individual several years ago while I was working with a Latin American client, a very beautiful young woman who was needing help with learning English. She was also living with a mental illness and very fragile and vulnerable. Suddenly this young oaf, hearing us speaking Spanish, barged over to our table with eyes only for her and wanted to speak Spanish with us. I had never seen this guy in my life and she didn't know him either. I could think of only one strategy for getting rid of him. We both gave him the full ignore. After a while he gave up and left and I really hoped I didn't have to encounter him again.
Just a few months later I saw him in the Spanish meet up group. I prayed that he would not recognize or speak to me, not just because of the awkwardness of our first encounter but the fear that he would ask me inappropriate questions about my Latina client whose confidentiality was sacrosanct and bound by professional oath. He didn't seem to notice me and I breathed with relief. I soon left the group.
Then he moved into my apartment building. "Oh shit! I said in the safe privacy of my apartment later on. "Shit shit shit shit SHIT!!!! To my relief he left me alone. At first anyway. We eventually had a few encounters, somewhat negative. I think he could tell that I did not like him not only because of my client but because I found him so self-absorbed and pathetic.
Then, last year, we ended up in the same eet up group, again. Being both of us advanced Spanish speakers we eventually, to my horror, ended up being sat at the same table. Again, and again, and again. I found him loud, dominating and completely insensitive to others. I wanted either to yell at him or leave and hoped desperately that he would not try to walk back to the apartment building with me.
At a recent meet up he made some remarks about women that I found to be incredibly inappropriate, especially given there were women present in the group. I almost wanted to punch him. Our facilitator tactfully redirected him and the subject was discreetly changed.
To my surprise I found in recent weeks that I was beginning to soften a bit towards him. There was something about him, being simultaneously gifted and pathetic, rather like me but in different ways, that I found appealing and I began to relax just a little around him. We still remained mutually wary. He did comment about our first encounter with my Latin American client. Not wanting to give away my working relationship with her and therefore the fact of her mental illness I played absolutely dumb and to this day I care absolutely not an armadillo's turd what he must think.
We ended up on the bus together on the way to the Spanish group. I found myself giving him shit for sitting in a senior's seat when the bus was already crowded and to my surprise he obediently got up though still baulked like a sulky teenager (I should mention here that I am old enough to be his father) I disliked him even less.
Yesterday I left the Spanish group early, partly because as my excuse said I had some things to do but also to avoid feeling obliged to go home with my neighbour. I did a little grocery shopping then got on the bus. I would have walked but the four litre jug of milk seemed a bit heavy to schlep. There he was on the bus, standing near the front. It was packed. And we had a friendly conversation in Spanish as a young woman offered me her seat. He mentioned that he was giving Spanish lessons to a young woman he is attracted to and because he is attracted to her he is offering the lessons free of charge. Instead of blasting him for being an opportunistic weasel, which he is, I told him in my most kindly paternal tone that he should just the same see that professional boundaries are respected and to realize that she doesn't owe him. In other words that he behave like a gentleman.
From the bus stop we walked together to our building, friends. I did not bother to tell him that he needs to learn to respect women though he really needs to but I will continue to coach him gently as he seeks me out about this. What saddens me is that ninety-five years after women finally got the vote in this country that we still have such a long way to go when it comes to changing men's attitudes towards women. It is bad enough with Canadian born dudes though I have to acknowledge the work that many are doing on themselves and on their own sons, but it is the ones who come here from cultures that do not respect women as human beings that have me worried. In the meantime I have a dream (sound familiar?) that all males of our species learn to responsibly steward and control their sexuality; that they come to respect women as human beings and as equals and as people they have much to learn from; that they come to understand how badly they have been duped by the sexual revolution and by patriarchy in general; that they stop making excuses for behaving inappropriately and abusively towards women and, in some cases, towards other males and learn to view sex not as a right, nor as an entitlement, but a privilege and a sacrament.
Ideally it would be great if young people would learn the value of saving themselves for marriage, as they say. That is likely never going to occur (it never has, really) but at least compromises could be made. How about at least getting rid of hook ups and casual sex and at least saving your booty for that someone special and to be very careful to shut up about it otherwise and leave your cameras out of the bedroom?
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