Even now, twenty years later, I am still being haunted by the ghosts of community past. Even though I have dropped all fantasies and every pretense of ever seeing made real the beautiful vision of Christian community that has never left me, I still live in its shadow. Its distant light beguiles me still. As my family faded, died off, abandoned me, as I lost many friends, as I grew older, people have come to matter to me more than ever. It isn't that I'm not able to be alone. I function well alone and pride myself for my independence. But there are certain things that God calls us to be and do, together. For the life of me I could never imagine trying to live with others again in an experiment of intentional community. I have tried to connect in other ways, through churches and through organizations of Christian social activism only to find these situations to be either unwelcoming, or ingrown and almost incestuous. Having lost all my previous friends, I am in contact with new people, though I am still not sure whether or not I could actually call some of them friends. Perhaps they range somewhere between being friends and acquaintances.
Generally, I find myself wanting something more than others seem prepared to offer, or want themselves. I am certainly not seeking romantic connections, nor a replacement family. Neither do I want an enclosed, cozy circle of friends that welcomes no strangers. I'm really not sure what it is that I want, only that I am feeling a certain lack that cannot be simply filled by hobbies and solitary interests, nor by a purely vertical relationship with God. Our life in Christ is made complete in one another.
The churches tend to be virtually useless as vehicles of community. It all revolves around the institution and God, and we are much more than a mere institution, sacred or otherwise. The Anglican Church, where I have wasted many good years, is especially delinquent. There is virtually no interest in people developing authentic relationships that foster spiritual growth and welcome others, where there is no such creature as an outsider. Anglicans tend to really suck at friendship, community and relationships, I have found. There is a tacit expectation that part of being Anglican is having your own family, your own social unit, and church is what you do on Sundays where you righteously parade before one another, exchange empty pleasantries over weak coffee and stale pastries, (wine and cheese on high feast days) then continue on with your family, professional and personal lives as though the people you meet at church have no further existence to you nor vice versa until the following Sunday. Or you can help out, sing in the choir, give out bulletins or make coffee and tea or whatever. Empty, shallow, and not at all consistent with the Church of the New Testament, nor the work of the Holy Spirit.
I can do only the little I am able to do: keep praying and keep trying to be a real friend to my acquaintances/friends even if they don't seem worthy and to accept with gratitude whatever morsel of friendship they offer me, hoping but taking care to not expect more. Meanwhile to remain motivated by compassion, love and empathy as I try to engage perfect strangers, if only with a friendly greeting and a silent prayer for their wellbeing. People are so busy these days, and in many cases busy being busy, or making being busy a lame and empty excuse for not connecting authentically with others.
We cannot rely on the Church to provide us with the Christian community that we and the world are needing. It is simply not enough. We have to become that ourselves. We have to each avail ourselves to God by living lives of repentance, renewal and reconciliation and thus we can begin anew to facilitate the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives and in our communities. This takes a lot of openness, trust and risk on our parts. And the willingness to really share our lives with others, not just blood family, not just with close personal friends, but with all people, beginning with those to whom God sends us day after day.
We need to learn to pray together, to wait on God together, to listen for his voice, to channel his presence, love and peace to others with some sense of mutual accountability. This for me is real Christian community: sharing our time, our lives, our wealth, our resources, our finances, but before we can begin even this, that we become people of repentance, renewal and reconciliation. This is a task that God entrusts to each one of us who claim to belong to Jesus and each one of us carries with us this sacred responsibility to use our gifts, talents, time and energy to help bring us together as God's people, people of the Cross, people of love.
I would be the last person to guess what form this would take. But it needs somehow to begin and to my knowledge it is not happening really anywhere in this city, or if it is I have yet to learn of it. So, to each person reading this and other posts on my blog, this is my challenge: learn how to know God, to really know him, to open your lives to him, to the touch of his love and to the work of the Holy Spirit. I challenge each of us to walk with Jesus in the way of the Cross, the way of repentance, renewal and reconciliation. We live in a sick and broken world. Together we can help facilitate its healing. Alone, not so much.
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