They do intersect. I'm just not sure where or how. Friendship and community are not really the same thing. We are in community with others whether we like them or not, and on all the levels mentioned in the previous post and more. A community of friends I suppose has some merits to it, especially given that not all the friends are going to necessarily like each other.
What is a friend and what does friendship mean? It really is a useless word since it can turn into quite a useless catch-all. A friend can be someone you see every day in the same coffee shop. You never see each other anywhere else but you like each other enough to chit-chat. Sometimes the conversations can get deep, profound and mutually supportive and therapeutic. But you'll never know much or anything about each other's lives outside of the café, and you might never want to know. Is this what friendship is?
Or a friend can be someone who lends a hand in time of need. Someone who sees that you have a couch to surf on if you are homeless, or will share a meal with you if you're hungry or will help you network for a new job. You may never see each other again. The memories will be fond, made all the fonder by never having to know each other very well.
Friends can be all your bar buddies. See coffee-shop friends, plus alcohol. You will each have your particular costume, mask and face to wear. You will never really know each other but through the pleasant haze of just one martini too many. Not knowing each other enhances the pleasure.
There are also friends with benefits. But how anyone can live in such a state of romantic/erotic cognitive dissonance with each other and survive as friends is quite beyond my comprehension. I really don't believe this kind of arrangement has much of a shelf-life.
Facebook?
Then there are friends who are rather more like acquaintances, such as many of the people in my life. You will often have interests and personality traits and values in common. You will see each other for coffee or a drinky-poo perhaps every few months, maybe no more than once a month. These arrangements often closely resemble real friendship, but there is never a sense of a real bond or a sense of mutual obligation and commitment to care and cover each other's ass. These are not the people who will invite you for Christmas, and you will probably have other plans for Thanksgiving, and if you should have nothing to do or nowhere to go on those days these will not be the ones who will come to your aid.
How about the friends in your church/mosque/synagogue/temple/ashram/meet-up group? You will all be putting on your best faces and would never dare let anyone see you in a fit of road-rage. Not real friendship.
There is also that rare gift. The real friend. You are in it for the long haul. You are like family to each other without the guilt or emotional blackmail. You can see each other every day or twice a year and it's all good. You will always, or almost always be able to count on each other, and if one cannot help, then they will do their level best to see that help will still come your way. These can be one to one friendships or circles of friends. This quality of friendship comes closest to what I aspire to but unfortunately remains as elusive and unlikely as finding a unicorn.
There is this rather lame old cliché "If you want a friend, then be a friend." It doesn't really work and usually one ends up getting emotionally exhausted and feeling unappreciated and exploited. Or stranded in a prison of codependence and mistreatment and abuse. Yes, I do speak with the voice of experience. However, I have chosen to adopt this as a kind of model with the proviso that this is not going to win me any friends. So, I do what I can to exemplify the kindness of strangers. Not always with success and not always with the desired results. But I still do what I can. Yesterday I tried to help orient an elderly lady to the correct bus route and address of the clinic where she needed to pick up her husband. She seemed deeply and sincerely appreciative. We will likely never see each other again but perhaps I was able to influence in a small way some kind of positive exchange. She is also Asian, Chinese, I think, and I was hoping the cross-cultural contact would be helpful for us both. Today I expressed concern to a young father carrying his baby in a sling while having to stand on the train.. No one on the Canada Line seemed interested in giving him a seat and as soon as one became available (I also was standing) I tried to encourage him to take it. He said he was okay standing. I asked if it was awkward for him standing with his baby. He said it's always awkward. To my surprise later as I left the train he said good bye with warmth in his voice.
None of this is going to win me new friends, but it helps me be kind or at least a little less cantankerous and grumpy and even if I cannot find the friends that I need I can at least act on being to others the kind of friend that I would like to have.
Like Neil Young, I am always searching for a heart of gold.
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