I think it's time to move a little bit further on equal rights. In the Nineteenth Century slavery was abolished. Then, in the Twentieth, women got the vote, then blacks, Asians, aboriginals. Now they are talking about lowering the voting age to sixteen. That's right, old enough to drive, old enough to fumble around in the back seat, old enough to vote. (I for one, Gentle Reader, would like to see the driving age raised to thirty. Likewise the right to vote, especially given that the brain, especially the male human brain is still developing in the twenties. Some never seem to develop at all)
One major demographic is still being shut out of the polling booth. I am thinking here of a substantial part of the population. They are considered family members, though this has not always been the case and for millennia their sole value was in their utility. It was not even common for them to live and sleep inside the family domicile until the last fifty years or so. Gentle Reader, I am talking about dogs. That's right. Canines. It's time to grant voting rights to dogs. To man's (sic 'em) best friend. The time has come, folks. Dogs give their owners so much unconditional love, no matter how mistreated they are. Four legged bum sniffing and slobbering masochists they always come back for more. They know where the kibble is coming from (whoops, sounds a bit more like cats). These foul smelling, tree and lamp post pissing, poop and garbage eating flea-infested four legged vultures are even more loyal and devoted to their unworthy humans than Edith Bunker is to Archie, for those of you, like me, will not lie about our age and admit that we remember the TV show All In The Family, Why shouldn't they also have their say in civic affairs? This could even revolutionize the science behind leash laws and dog parks (okay, most dog owners generally ignore these little details anyway, but for argument's sake, eh?)
It shouldn't be difficult to set up. Since dogs are unable to read or write (please check my future posts for my recommendations for literacy programs for canines) we would have to keep things basic and simple and geared to their, admittedly, low level of intelligence (the dogs, I mean, though this is often also an already given about their human owners). I was thinking that every candidate for political office donate an unwashed item of clothing, maybe a t shirt or socks or underwear (I do hope you're not having your dinner right now, Gentle Reader), or perhaps take swabs from their, shall I say, secret parts, and distribute them in vials to all the polling booths in the land. Right now, I cannot shake my sense of gratitude that Stephen Harper is finally out of the political scene. As indifferent as I am about dogs I just would not want to wish having to subject a poor dumb canine to having to sniff our ex-prime minister's unwashed ginch, much less have to look at that famous full frontal full body nude portrait that was painted of him some four or five years ago. Sorry, Gentle Reader, this cannot be unread, and you are going to be stuck with that image in your mind till you go to bed tonight. And, no, I am not providing you with a link for you to feast your eyes on Steve-o's manhood. That, you are going to have to look for on your own. I, and this blog, do have standards, you know.
Back to the dogs, or perhaps this blog has already gone to them. Each voting dog would be given a sample of the pheromones of each candidate to sniff. If puppy growls, they don't get his vote. If puppy wags his tail and whimpers endearingly, then simply ink his paw and place it on the appropriate spot on the ballot form. Easy-Peasy.
Given that most dog owners appear to be conservatives, this little amendment in our voting policy could do a lot to boost the sagging fortunes of the Conservative Party in the polls. And given the ridiculous extremes that many Canadians go to in order to flaunt how much they adore their little doggies, especially as they step over the homeless beggars sleeping on the sidewalk downstairs from their luxury condos, this little advance in canine rights could be just the next right thing to do. In a future blog I will explore some of the possibilities around making it lawful for dogs to pay income tax.
In the meantime, here is a shoutout to the idiot whose black lab tried to take a lunge at me just after taking a dump today. It is all well and good that you are keeping your miserable cur on a tight leash and also took care to verbally correct him for his behaviour. However, I did not hear an apology coming from your lips. As I already advised you, dude, do something to train your animal!
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