I am grateful for families. I think they are indispensable to our growth, nurturing and for the future wellbeing of society. So much depends on the quality of parenting that children receive. I am not going to advocate child-centred parenting or any other form of parenting because, really, every family is different and each depends on so many variables that I couldn't even begin to write with any authority or knowledge on the matter.
But we still have the same basic dynamic: mother and father producing children that are raised principally by mother (dad is doing more than he used to but still has some catching up to do) and in many cases children and siblings raising themselves and each other, or daycares and nannies doing the job instead of mom and dad because they both have to work fulltime all day so they can afford to pay for daycare and nannies. One way or the other, the kids get raised.
A lot is said these days against helicopter parenting. I don't like it either and I am sure that we are seeing a whole generation of helpless neurotics coming of age because mommy and daddy never know when to back off, hand them the roll of toilet paper and say "do it yourself!". I am all for free range parenting, which is basically how I grew up. When we weren't in school and there was nothing on TV, we would be outside from morning till suppertime, playing together, fighting, driving each other crazy, playing doctor, exploring backyards, fields and forests, and making a nuisance of ourselves in the mall. This is how we socialized one another and got ourselves ready for the real adult world. Practice, practice, practice. Outside of supper, there wasn`t a lot of family time and our parents were only around if they wanted to lecture or punish us about something. Or we watched TV together. In the case of my own family, Mom and I watched TV, Dad snoozed on the couch and my brother was generally out somewhere with his little friends. Such were Saturday nights in our household. There was not a lot of demonstrative affection in the families of my era.
I don`t agree that families are central or foundational to society. I don`t think anything is, really, but that families certainly play a role along with many other integrated variables. I often wonder if parents are taking on too much responsibility for their children`s wellbeing. There seems to be a huge culture of guilt with parents, especially younger parents, about not loving their kids enough, not spending enough time with them (both mom and dad usually have to work fulltime nowadays) and they all want to be their kids' best friend. I suppose this works up to a point. A lot of people of my generation reject the concept, insisting that parents already have a specific role in their children`s lives, friendship is not part of the picture, it's conflict of interest, and that kids should somehow always respect, almost fear their parents. I like to think there could be room for both.
Well, I`m not an expert and I`m not going to pretend to be one. There is one dynamic in families that has always fascinated me: sibling relationships. I had an interesting conversation over coffee with a friend this morning. We are both male siblings of a male sibling. He is the elder, I am the younger. He didn't seem to understand that the beatings he used to deliver daily to his darling little brother might have had a negative effect on their relationship as adults. Fortunately, my friend has worked hard to repair things with his younger brother and they have a friendly relationship now. My older brother and I haven't seen each other in eighteen years and we are likely never going to see each other again. I'm okay with this.
More than twenty years ago, as a set of conditions, I wrote him a letter, detailing the abuse I had suffered from him, the trauma and the life consequences for me, and that for normal relations to be restored between us he would have to give me, in person, a full, detailed and contrite apology. My brother has not responded and we will likely never see each other again. As I said, I'm okay with this, as he has always treated me like toilet paper and I would much prefer to have in my life friends who love and respect me as opposed to a brother who hates and loathes me.
It would be nice if more of us would come to recognize the concept of family as extending beyond those who share with us the same genes. That we would start to relate to others with a little more sense of extended family, and greater inclusivity, especially those of us whose families have disowned and abandoned us.
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