Gratitude 65

I am grateful for the gift of personal responsibility.  This has nothing to do with going out and getting a job and paying the rent on time, though that is also a type of responsibility.  I mean the kind of responsibility that people with issues of trauma often overlook as something essential to their recovery.  I am referring to the importance of not blaming on our illness or emotional issues the crappy way that we treat others.

I have both used my PTSD diagnosis as an excuse for mistreating others, and have been similarly crapped around by other trauma survivors.  This of course sucks like anything.  I was just recently on the receiving end and now a cherished friendship just might be about to end, if it hasn't ended already.  I was unfairly blamed by this individual for wrecking his soiree because I was not in a good way at the time.  I really did, neither said, anything regrettable or offensive, to anyone.  I simply refused, calmly, to wear a name tag, since this is a practice I am very uncomfortable with.  I asked if I had to leave his home for not wearing one, since he appeared adamant that I wear a name tag anyway, and he said I could stay.  It had already been a horrible month.  I had been traumatized by a vicious dog and things were also spiralling out of control for me in other spheres.  Still, I was taking exceptional care with my behaviour, knowing full well how one PTSD trigger could end up ruining the day for everyone.  Domino Effect, anyone?  I think that I did handle myself well, but how exhausting!

My friend, or ex-friend, confronted me just two weeks ago.  We hadn`t seen each other in over two months (I had been in Costa Rica in March and he was away in April).  He proceeded to rant at me that I had ruined his party by poisoning his home with my anger and hatred.  All because I didn't wear a nametag.  I managed to calm him down and once it was clear to him that I had not done anything intentionally nor unintentionally to ruin anyone's party, and that really, I was struggling to the nth just to hold myself together, he seemed to accept that maybe there was nothing to be taken personally.

However, he did not bother to accept responsibility for his part in our quarrel, neither did he think of apologizing to me for wrongly and unjustly accusing me.  To him it appears to be all justified because he was going through a PTSD trigger, thanks to me, and that he couldn't be held accountable for his behaviour.

Well, my friend, I am holding you accountable.  If you cannot dignify our friendship with a simple apology for mistreating me, then perhaps it's time that I looked elsewhere for a friend.  And maybe you should look somewhere else, as well.