Today I went to church again, my second time in as many weeks. It didn't go so well this time. There was a woman priest or deacon visiting who has had it in for me for years. Basically, around six years ago when she was doing a practicum at my former parish church she took someone's side against me, a rather objectionable individual who verbally attacked me. I defended myself. She took his side against me, I think because this person is a transman and she assumed that as a progressive and fashionable young Anglican her duty was to take the side of the oppressed minority against the evil white and (presumably but not necessarily) straight male. She never apologized and there has been bad blood between us ever since.
Today at church she refused to give me communion. Nothing was said. I stood there next to the other people and she completely ignored me and went to the people on the other side. Rather than give her the satisfaction I simply walked back to my seat, knowing that God's presence is not dependent upon eating a piece of bread and drinking a sip of wine, no matter who has blessed the elements. This same woman, instead of checking in on me to see if there were any problems, simply ignored me afterward. I did have enjoyable conversations with a couple of people, one the new curate who is an awesome individual, the other a very cool elderly woman who told me about her experiences teaching in Turkey for two years, then I left.
I have since emailed the priest of this parish, who was absent at the time, and the bishop. I wonder what kind of lies she will tell them should they confront her.
This is not going to be an easy re-entry for me. I cannot go every Sunday. It is just too intense and too difficult. There are still people in the church who have it in for me. No one has ever explained why. These, after all, are Anglicans, and generally they can be passive-aggressive cowards who will stab the back of anyone who gets in their way.
Why have I returned to this wretched denomination, given all the problems I have encountered in the Anglican Church? For one simple reason. Better the devil I know than the one I don't. All the Christian denominations are equally bad. They are also all equally good. But I would rather deal with an enemy I already know, and have some skill in having to deal with, than have to start all over again in a completely alien environment where it would be total open season on me? I also believe in and endorse the concept of public witness. This isn't to say that I'm obligated to attend church, rather this is something that sometimes I will want to be able to do.
Why do I have so many problems with church? Likely because I have a prophetic calling, which means calling them on things they don't want to hear. And even when I keep my mouth shut, which is nearly all the time now, they still sense and smell me as the enemy, God's agent to somehow keep them on the straight and narrow. Or maybe I'm just a disagreeable jerk and I really get the treatment I deserve.
I think both are true. All I can do is learn from past mistakes, make some new mistakes, learn from them, and work a little bit harder and more skilfully at covering my ass should they release their hounds on me again. And they probably will. One thing I have learned about Christians. All the talk they make about forgiveness is just that: talk. Empty talk. You piss them off once, even or maybe especially for totally legitimate reasons, and there will be no forgiveness. Except for a few authentic saints among them they will never let me forget, they will never welcome me and they will always keep excluding me. Thank God I do have some friends there.
In the meantime, it's going to be one Sunday at a time. And I will do what I can to reach out to others in a spirit of forgiveness, which isn't the same as giving them a free pass. I will be friendly, but they will also have to see that my friendship cannot be cheaply bought.
I find it quite ironical that the Anglican Church is very skilled at making public scenes and displays of handwringing, whimpering repentance when it comes to their historic mistreatment and abuse of our indigenous peoples. This is all for public consumption and it's largely display to make them look good. But when it comes to the interpersonal harm they inflict on vulnerable individuals when they get in their way? They really couldn't give a shit. Unless someone seems to be watching. And that someone, Gentle Reader, is you.
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