It is impossible to write about divine love without somehow putting myself in the clothing of the hypocrite. Embarking on this project has brought on some rather intense self-examination. For example, right now, I am in the midst of terminating one of my work contracts, and all because the supervisor is toxic and for fifteen years has been driving me crazy. Now I can afford to leave without wondering about how I will pay for food or rent. I do not hate this person. I actually like him as a person. But his mean spirited and disrespectful style of supervision is making it very easy for me to hate him. And I do not want to go any further with this.
We sometimes have to impose distance for our own,safety or for the safety of others. I have ended some friendships for that very reason. Things had become so toxic, the other party had become so steeped in negative and destructive attitudes and opinions and behaviour (I once ended a friendhsip because someone had turned into an unrepentant white supremacist), and were increasingly turning against me, that I have had to say goodbye. And others have had to do the same to me on occasion.
No relationship, be it marriage, familial, romantic, friendship or professional, should be allowed to last once it turns into something dangerous and toxic. Both parties have to be ready and willing to change, and to distance from each other if necessary, or it could only get uglier. And even dangerous.
I guess where I would like to draw the line is in the whole rea of permanence. There is a general understanding with the ethos de jour that no relationship is going to be permanent. I think this is partly true. I would like to modify this thinking a little. Rather, I would prefer to say that no relationship is going to remain permanent in its current form. The fact that we are both human beings means that on some level we are going to have to co-exist. My supervisor and I are no longer going to work together, and it is less than likely that we will ever be friends, but not impossible. I like to remain open to possibilities of reconciliation.
In the meantime, everyone has the right to be safe. Which also means that others have the right to feel safe around me, and if they cannot feel safe around me, then they will have to be safe from me, or away from me. And vice-versa.
And it takes both to get on the same page, or nothing happens. I am recalling my very negative experience of living briefly with an extremely difficult individual. We were both homeless and couch-surfing. I believe also that this individual is a closet case. We were both staying in the home of mutual friends. They were away for a couple of weeks so we were going to take care of their house while they were gone. Big mistake. This individual was an absolute pig. Whenever I mentioned his dirty dishes in the sink, he simply ignored me and let them pile higher. I was not going to give him the satisfaction of cleaning up afer him (I was forty-two then, he was thirty. We were not kids!) He also assumed, incorrectly, that I was sexually attracted to him. He got into touching me inappropriately, and then started parading around naked in front of me. I just told him to get dressed and leave me alone. Our friends returned and I got away from this jerk as quickly as possible.
About four years ago, I was standing in line at Service Canada, for information about applying for my old age pension. He was there as well, likely to apply for employment insurance. We hadn't seen each other in almost twenty years. He greeted me from behind by flicking me on the ear with his finger. I glared at him, told him to never touch me or approach me again.
If it ever occurs to him to accept responsibility for his behaviour and sincerely apologize I might give him the time of day. I forgave him years ago. But I am not letting this person anywhere near me unless there is clear evidence that he has changed. This is about safety. For both of us. In the meantime, distance.
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