But surely there are people who hate themselves. Well, in a way I can't argue with that. For example, suicide. But that is the ultimate cry of despair, or it could also be the deadliest way of shaking our fist at God who is Love. We somehow have to think we are in charge of our lives and situations, and if we can't have things the way we want them, then we will hold our breath till our face turns blue, or jump off a bridge or ask our doctor to help us kill ourselves. This isn't to trivialize suicide, but we have to somehow get underneath the despair, because once we have abandoned all hope, then it's lights out.
I would say there is such a thing as a healthy self-love, or at least an instinct to preserve and take care of ourselves that can go awry, and when that happens, there is hell to pay. But neither can we love ourselves really if we are unable or unwilling to love others. In fact, for some, it is only out of our own lack that we can create the abundance of love for others, because love itself is not simply something that we generate in ourselves. It is a spiritual force, it is a universal force. In fact, I will go so far as to say that the name of that force, that has engendered, created and sustains all that is, is Love.
And this is also the miracle of love. It is literally something being created out of nothing. Not even a lot of Christians or Christian ministers seem to get this, or really believe it. I remember two Christmases ago when I was battling through the usual state of despair because I almost always end up isolated at this season. My priest at the time suggested when I told her that I was still going to try to work with some of my clients on Christmas Day, if permitted, that then there must be some sense of joy or good feeling in me that would make it possible for me to make that kind of decision. I replied to her that no, that it was only the act of doing something for others with nothing to draw from in myself, that actually generated enough love and joy to help carry me through. She gave me this blank look, the kind you would get from a cat when trying to explain black holes to her. (for now, I will leave off on how absolutely thick and dense Anglicans are).
It's just that a lot of us don't really believe in God. Not even a lot of Christians. We seem to think that we have to do it all ourselves, and to an extent that is true, we do have our part to play. But there are things that only God can do, and manifesting his love in our lives and in our interactions happens to be one of those things. Our part is to open ourselves to love. Especially when we least feel like it, when we least feel capable. This is when love becomes a choice, when all we can do is helplessly fling ourselves at the feet of Jesus and accept his help to make real his love in our lives. It is the miracle of love. But for this to happen, we first have to put ourselves completely aside. That's right None of this loving ourselves nonsense, but emptying ourselves before God so that he can fill us with his love. And more often than not, he is not going to begin to fill us until we make ourselves ready as vessels to be emptied. This brings to mind one of the many significant teachings I received in church and worship services when I was a teenage and twenty-something Jesus freak: God can only fill an empty vessel, and this means emptying ourselves, putting aside our own self will, and retaining only the will for his will in our lives, which is the will of Love.
Nothing much of value is going to happen in the life of any Christian who is not ready to really believe that God is love. And once that does begin to happen, then look out, because there will soon appear a vast tsunami of blessing! If we really want to see God at work, we must also get ready to be swept off our feet on the great tide of the Great Eternal Love.
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