Assertiveness

Assertiveness is probably one of my most natural ways of expressing myself with others.  It amazes me what a foreign concept this still is with some people.  Some months back in my post "Full Disclosure" I documented about the bad time I had with a particularly disturbed individual.  She is British, by the way, and true to her cultural and ethnic roots, she does not do nor even remotely understand what it is to be assertive nor does she see the value in it.  Any assertive expression is misconstrued as aggression for the simple reason that I am not shutting up and taking it, or closing my eyes, leaning back and pretending that I am enjoying it.

Assertiveness is not at all like aggression though they are sometimes confused.  Likewise passivity and passive-aggression.  For a lot of people any assertive expression seems frightening, even if the tone is kind, gentle and friendly.  I think this is because assertiveness is so laden with truth that this is why a lot of people find it downright frightening, and would much prefer to be on the receiving end of an aggressive punch in the face than a kind but assertive kick in the ass.

So then, the real difference between the two, between aggression and assertiveness is that if it's aggression it's a punch in the face, if it's assertive it's a kick in the ass.  Okay.  So then a good assertive kick in the ass will also motivate one to get going and move forward while a punch in the mouth is just that: a punch in the mouth, and maybe the need for dental surgery to follow.

So then being a certain age, I do have some entitlement to getting a seat in the front of the bus, and very occasionally, if I am particularly tired or (usually) schlepping several heavy bags of groceries, I have been known to ask some robust, fit looking twenty-something to vacate a bus seat so I could sit down.  Generally I remain standing since I like to see myself as healthy and fit even if it is an exercise in self-deception.  Now there are many ways of asking.  There is the passive way, which would be to simply stand there and inwardly collapse knowing that no one is going to see, much less care, unless I pass out on the bus and then it will be too late because I will already be dead when the paramedics arrive.  I have been this person at times.  Another time I was aggressive toward a young man of around thirty or so.  It was standing room only on the bus.  I was standing at the front when suddenly a courtesy seat became available.  The young fellow already mentioned was just lowering his toned and fit little backside when I pre-empted him with the words, "I am old enough to be your father and I've been on my feet all day."  Very effective in frightening him off, procuring me the seat, and providing a little cheap theatre to anyone who happened to be paying attention.  On the other hand I'm sure this fellow did not feel good about either himself or me as I did use a bullying tactic, not exactly kind even if he did have it coming.  On another occasion I was undergoing a severe sinus allergy attack and was feeling faint and dizzy.  I said just this to a young woman and asked for her seat and she graciously complied.  This was assertiveness in motion.  On occasion while on the bus (I spend a lot of time on the bus.  My second home!) I will publicly shame young riders into giving up their seats for elderly or disabled passengers.  And if they don't then I will engage an equally indignant stranger (of course I'm standing up!) in a loud enough for others to hear conversation about who breeds these useless self-absorbed little drones who can't even lift their useless lazy ass for an old person.  This is vintage passive-aggression.  I never feel good after using this method, actually a little bit grotty and unclean.

So, here is how I define it all:
When you are being passive what you are really saying is that you hate yourself.  You are saying that you suck while everyone else is okay.  You will go to your grave wearing boot prints on your back.  When you are being aggressive you are declaring your self-adoration.  No one else matters.  You are awesome and everyone else sucks.  You will die widely loathed and hated.  You will be shaking hands in hell with Joseph Stalin and Agusto Pinochet.  When you simply want to undermine everyone without really getting anything accomplished then you are being passive-aggressive.  You might make it as a stand-up comedian but you clearly hate everyone, especially yourself.  You are saying that everyone, including you, sucks.  Big time.  When you want to be really assertive then you are going to focus only on the issue.  You are going to courteously but clearly address the offending party, express how you and others are being affected, and you are going to suggest alternatives and express a willingness to dialogue and look for solutions.  There will be a place for you in heaven, you will be remembered with fondness and joy and you are saying that we are all okay.  Let's go!