A Conversation With My Shadow

Shadow: Well, hello, Aaron!  How are you?
Me: This is a charm offensive?
Shadow: And how could my charm be offensive?  It is so lovely to see you!
Me: What do you want?
Shadow: Aren't you going to invite me in?
Me: Have I any option?  You never left.
Shadow: How about a cup of coffee?
Me: Who's going to make it?
Shadow: I will.  Where do you keep the filters?
Me: The usual place.  Above the stove.  Now please tell me: What do you want?
Shadow: Aaron, Aaron, always a cynic.  Always seeking the ulterior motive.  And what if I don't have one?
Me: We have known each other all my life.  You have never come around not wanting something from me.
Shadow: Why are you nervous?
Me: You have your cat shape today. 
Shadow: You like cats.
Me: My point, exactly.  When you come around in your serpent shape, or your scorpion shape, then I know whom I'm dealing with, especially when you morph into your dragon or your vulture shape.  Today you come in purring like a friendly pedigreed Russian Blue.  Now tell me, please, what is it that you want from me today.
Shadow: I thought that maybe it's time we moved in together.
Me: Raise a family of our own, you and me.  But that's the way I always thought it should be-
Shadow: No need to be sarcastic.
Me: Don't you like my singing?
Shadow: Oh, you're in fine voice as always, but...
Me: Let's see, you don't like Carly Simon:
Shadow: She is so forty years ago.
Me: Younger than us.
Shadow: How do you like your coffee?
Me: In a cup.
Shadow: There you go again.
Me: You know how I like my coffee.  Black and bitter.  Like life.
Shadow: How about Vietnamese style.  Got sweetened condensed milk in the fridge?
Me: Can't take it straight up, can you?
Shadow: I can't take anything straight up.  That's why I'm your shadow.
Me: At least you've finally figured it out.  Now tell me please, one more time, what do you want?
Shadow: I thought we should live together.
Me: We already do.  You still haven't left since your last visit.
Shadow: Why do you always seem to resent me?
Me: Besides the fact that you're a treacherous passive-aggressive liar who can't be trusted further than I can kick you I would say that I don't resent you at all.
Shadow: You've never loved me.
Me: Can you blame me, with all the crap you've caused?
Shadow: All the crap that you consented to.
Me: Fair enough.  But now you want us to live together.  Are you prepared to share the rent?
Shadow: Fifty-fifty.
Me: Food?
Shadow: I believe you do all the eating here.
Me: Keeps us both alive, since I've never been able to get rid of you.  I've been feeding you all my life like a malignant fetus.
Shadow: Is that anything to call your oldest and dearest friend?
Me: You're more a parasite than a friend.
Shadow: So, is it a deal?  I can move in?
Me: On one condition.
Shadow: What did you just pull from the drawer?
Me: It's a choke chain.
Shadow: You don't have a dog.
Me: It's for you.  You're going to wear it.
Shadow: What?
Me: That's right.  You are wearing this collar at all times and I am going to hold it.  That is my condition.  Take it or leave it.
Shadow: You're not going to pull on it too tight, are you?
Me: That all depends on which shape you take.  Now...Come here.