I can't believe that I lost the entire text of this post but for one word, "what". I will give a brief summary here then get on with the rest of my day. I was eating three perfect apricots when I began writing this. I was feeling regret about turning away the Census lady yet again. She was here last week. I was just making dinner and didn't have time to talk to her. She came back today just when I was having a nap following dinner. I didn't want to let her in. I was feeling tired and the kitchen was a mess from dinner and I simply don't want strangers or friends to see my home, or myself, at our worse.
My unit was also recently treated for bedbugs. I don't know if they're all dead yet, and I didn't want her to run the risk of getting infected. I also had no idea where she'd just been and was afraid that she might unwittingly bring into my apartment some more little horrors.
She did leave me a form to fill out and now I feel badly that I wasn't more hospitable. I used to be more welcoming to strangers. My job tends to tire me and when I get home I haven't much energy left for a social life, a natural trade off when you are being emotionally and mentally supportive of adults who have special needs.
My need to take care of myself, to rest and feel safe in my own home seems to take priority now that I'm older.
I miss in some ways the person I once was, but I really gave too much of myself to others in those days and completely exhausted myself through performing acts of kindness without imposing reasonable or sensible boundaries. Still, in this age of war, conflict, intense fear and racism and socio-economic inequality I sometimes wish I could do better. We need more kindness not less. If only so many of us weren't so damn exhausted all the time.
The apricots were delicious. And now three dark stones gleam from the bottom of the white bowl by my computer.
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