Surviving The Fall, 25

There are things in life that never do and likely never work out the way we'd like them to, nor the way we need them to, Gentle Reader. I live downtown. I do not like living downtown. I have been here for sixteen years. It is noisy, doesn't feel safe, crowded, chaotic and impersonal and to the eyes very ugly. There is poverty, homelessness, the illegal drug trade and other crime, and arrogant young middle class adults who use my neighbourhood as their weekend toilet. Sometimes all night you can hear sirens wailing, and woe betide if, like me, you are a light sleeper with a mild sleeping disorder. Because of all the vehicle exhaust, the air is not going to be of an ideal quality, thus causing long-term health effects: cancer, heart and cardiovascular disease, allergies, as well as the psychological impact of stress on depression and anxiety rates. I do not have it as bad as some of my neighbours. My unit looks onto the quiet side of the building, but still there is noise from homeless and street people outside and assorted mouth breathers at all hours of the night. This isn't so bad in winter, when we can keep our windows closed. But in the summer? It is late May now and the nights are warmer. Every night I put in earplugs and have on the kitchen fan for white noise and I have been trying to sleep with the window open. Sometimes okay, but this is one of my light sleep cycles and I might have to start leaving the window closed all night while relying on my small electric fan for ventilation. So, why don't I move? Quite simply, I can't. I am in government-subsidized housing. Because of my lack of postsecondary credentials and my age, 62, I am not exactly a rare find for any employment that is going to offer at least a living wage. So, I've been stranded all my life in low wage employment. I am one of those many Canadians who work hard and don't climb the socio-economic ladder, despite being a white Canadian male, fourth generation, from upwardly mobile parents. I am one of many in this country that they don't like to talk about, because we really give the lie to the popular myth of the land of opportunity. There are many reasons for not getting ahead, though working hard. A lot of the obstacles begin, as in my case, when we are young: family abuse, the disruption of family breakdown and divorce, and unsympathetic family members. I have had to work hard at surviving for the simple lack of the kinds of connections and open doors that others take for granted. I have somehow made it through. Still poor. But definitely not miserable. Even though I am stuck where I am I have found many innovative ways of making my situation work for me: I have sourced meaningful if low-paying employment as a mental health peer support worker. I am a peer support worker for the simple reason that the stress and trauma of everything I've been through since childhood did take its toll and after homelessness I went through four years of psychotherapy. It went well and this has qualified me to work well with others struggling with mental health issues. This is beautiful work and despite the low pay (which is inexcusable, by the way), my last fourteen years working in this profession have been some of the richest and most gratifying years of my life. Regardless of my opinion of upper management (not flattering to them, I'm sure!), I am happy to staying this work till post-retirement, regardless of the lack of options. Having sleep difficulties certainly poses challenges, but it isn't that bad. It is now 3:39 in the morning and I've been up for more than an hour. Once I have finished writing this, I am going to have some breakfast and do some more prep work for some of the art classes I will be co-facilitating for some of our clients (I get paid for working from home, fortunately) Then I'm going down for a two or three hour nap, after which I am going to enjoy a long walk in the nearby wealthy neighbourhoods where everything is beautiful, apart from the hostile and screaming door-size lawn signs of some of the not very happy burghers who resent paying a little bit of extra property tax on their multi-million dollar homes (and their other First World Problems!) I expect that I will be feeling reasonably well-rested, not quite perfect. When I get home this afternoon, I will have phone calls to make to coworkers and tomorrow's clients, and I will likely be so tired that sleep will come sweet and easy. I am also going to have plenty of time to work on my art, reading and other projects. This is far from a perfect or ideal life. But I'm well-employed, well-housed and well-fed. I have friends. I can still afford to travel to other countries every year. My health is good. I have earplugs. Life could be, and for me, has been a lot worse. Right now I am also listening to some fascinating radio documentaries about science, psychology, philosophy and the environment. There is so much fuel for thinking and learning about ourselves, our world and our universe. I am very grateful.