Collective Trauma: The Fallout 8

I`m thinking this morning, in the very wee hours while I am seated here in front of my laptop, of how my understanding of friendship has evolved and changed over the years. I can`t say that my journey or my pattern of life has been anything normal, because my life did not take the typical trajectory. I have never been what is called middle class. I have always been poor, not because I didn`t work hard enough but because God had other plans for me. I was not able to go on in school beyond two incomplete years in community college. I was not about to marry or partner off with someone and have kids. I knew that God was calling me to live in a way that was completely devoted to him and his work. So I worked in low-wage employment as a home support worker for most of my twenties and a lot of my thirties, caring for the sick, the dying, the frail elderly and the mentally ill. I could not afford to take courses in health care or nursing because my circumstances were such that I could not rely on my parents for help and I was living alone, obligated to pay the rent on time every month. For this reason I had to work every day. Because taking care of people who are suffering is also draining and challenging work, I did not have the energy leftover for night school. I know this, because I tried it. I had to work well with my clients, or I would have to work well in my studies. But I didn't have enough strength or energy to be able to do both. But this is all part of the Collective Trauma that is our most basic human experience and heritage. I really wanted to be present with others, but I wasn't terribly discerning about whom. There were reasons for this. I grew up feeling unloved and rejected by peers and by my own brother. From age nine to fifteen, life was often for me an absolute solitary hell. I came to understand that anyone, by offering me the gift of their friendship, was doing my a huge favour of which I was less than worthy. Perhaps this is why I became so undiscriminating in my choices of friends. Or should I say, that I would simply let people choose me for their friend then go along for the ride. As a teenage Jesus freak I was taught to love everyone, without showing favouritism, because God is love and God welcomes all. I still believe this to this day. And this is the other reason why I am not choosy about people who come into my life, unless of course they pose a clear danger to my life, health or safety, but even that bit of discrimination I have had to learn over the years. It has been one turbulent ride. So, I went from person to person, and generally they would be the ones to end the friendship, or to go away, or to just become too busy with other people and activities to have time or room to include me in their lives. And I just kept reaching out to others. Then, in a period of extreme exhaustion, I became for the first time in my life, picky. During my time of homelessness, a lot of people did help and support me. But some became abusive. They had become so used to viewing me as a support person in their lives that they couldn't bear to see me broken or needy so they turned against me. Some tried to abuse me sexually. Men. Not men who identified as gay, but certainly men who didn't want to turn down an easy opportunity. So, I lost a lot of friends and I became very cautious after that about whom I would let into my life. I think I became over-cautious and I am trying now to return to some sense of balance with people. It still doesn't matter much to me what we have in common because we have our humanity in common and as long as there is some mutual respect and indulgence over our differences, my current friends and I for the most part get along rather well. Some find me rather difficult and there is at times conflict, but that is because I don't let them get away with their crap, they know this, appear to appreciate this, and they are also assured that there will be a hug after the ass-kicking. And this is also reciprocal. But I see friendship as two things: one is, it is not about having friends, it is about being a friend to others. This makes friendship a verb. It is something you do. The drawback to this, of course, is that not every friend is going to reciprocate the love and this often leads to unbalanced relationships. It is an occupational hazard that has to be accepted and taken in stride if we wish to be friends to others as Christ is friend to us. This still causes me a lot of pain because it means that usually I am the less selfish party and I often end up feeling used and exploited by people who have no desire really to give anything but to simply take, take, and take some more. But this is also inevitable and I find that by setting boundaries and by carefully stewarding the amount of attention I give these people that things still turn out better. I just can`t reasonably expect that they are going to be as generous as I am. The other aspect of friendship that is important to me is that it builds community, especially at a time when we're becoming more balkanised and more fragmented than ever, thanks to technology and the postmodernist education they are giving in the arts and humanities that polarizes people apart from one another as aggrieved groups and categories rather than as persons who need desperately to transcend their differences and learn to forgive, connect and bond as human beings. For this reason, I have come to see friendship as a sacred responsibility. While respecting other people's space and individuality, to still do what I can and in my power to try to draw others, and by extension, myself, out of ourselves and to connect and touch one another's lives in ways that are both healing and life-affirming, and to help reduce the sense of isolation that always threatens to envelop us. That's all for now, Gentle Reader. Thanks for reading. And no comments, please.