Balancing Act, 13

I had to get up and move yesterday to a quieter area of the Gallery Café, when a group of four women with an obnoxious toddler decided to park right next to me. It was an otherwise quiet morning, I was enjoying bringing a new drawing towards its conclusion, and the last thing I needed, while soaking up the tranquility, listening to soft recorded classical music, and feasting my eyes on all the flowers was to be serenaded by the screams of a squalling, entitled and badly spoiled little mouth breather. Now, to all you child lovers, and your kneejerk reactions: CHILL!!!!!! I actually like kids. Well, some kids, anyway. It depends on the kid. In another regular coffee shop I saw a tall handsome and super athletic jock daddy bring in his little mini-me and I wanted that kid out of there, fast. He was noisy, entitled, would not shut up and was into everything. Surely another casualty of the self-esteem school of parenting, or child-dominant parenting. They left quickly (thank heavens) and in came another young dad with his little boy. Asian background but likely several generations Canadian. The first father-son act was white. (not that it matters, but I just think, from experience and observation, that Asians are much better parents). This kid was also active, and into everything, and even a little bit noisy. But I liked this kid. The room wasn't being filled with infantile ego and entitlement. He seemed like an honestly good, nice kid excited about life. This was a bit of an eye-opener for me. I was afraid that I was turning into a nasty child hater, but I'm not really. I just hate nasty children. And even more, I hate the nasty parents that are badly raising them. Such as those who, when their little ankle-biter is having a decibel-intense meltdown, they don't know enough to get them outside, now, and give them time to calm down. Like the lawyer in another coffee shop seated next to me with her year old kid, who started screaming and crying to beat the band. I moved quickly to the other side of the room, and she did apologize (she was also Asian-Canadian, by the way, but I think she might have been just having a bad day.) The white daddy looked positively arrogant, like the white mommy with her little girl yesterday at the Gallery Café. I understand, that it isn't easy being a parent. I also appreciate the need to get out of the condo and that finding a babysitter isn't always the appropriate action, and that it is good for the child to get early exposure to public places. But when I see how unengaged a lot of these parents are with their children, totally focussed on their phones (and not usually because it's something urgent), or so occupied with their friends or significant others that, is it any wonder the kids are going to act out. Or, they treat their children like their best friends, without apparently considering the importance of discipline and setting boundaries, and I don't mean hitting the kids (hitting the parents, maybe!) but making it clear that there are expectations of behaviour, even for a two year old, and consequences if they are not complied with. And either way, it often goes too far. Like, several years ago the frustrated dad in Niagara falls who was thrown in jail overnight because his five year old daughter had him busted for spanking her. The brat's offence? Slamming the car door on the fingers of her two year old little brother. Now, I don't advocate spanking, though I still have my doubts, but that scenario could have been handled very differently, and a lot more effectively. For example, daddy need not have ended up in jail, perhaps just a chat with the officer about what had happened and some strategies for nonviolent discipline, and that little monster still should have been dealt with severely for what she did to her sibling. Or something like that, but when emotions take control then we'd might as well lock ourselves in the panic room till it's safe to come out again. Seriously, though, I think that parents for the most part really need to overhaul the way they are raising their children and give special attention to monitoring and controlling their kids' behaviour, especially when in public. In defense of older people who don't have kids, I think that our rights are often undervalued and our needs also need to be accommodated and respected. If there wasn't such a public hate-on for older people. For example, last year in a small BC community on Vancouver Island there was a small child having a very loud and violent meltdown in the local Boston Pizza on a Sunday morning. A gentleman of a certain age was quietly reading his newspaper, then suddenly and violently yelled at the child and his parents to shut up, and I think he even swore at them. Understandable reaction, if not justifiable. Now it could be considered that they were in a Boston Pizza, and those places are family and kid friendly, and not at all quiet. I was only inside one once and never again, but that's another story. Everyone condemned and castigated this man and he has been barred from life from this establishment. An overreaction? Of course. Everyone came in defense of the poor child and his family. No one considered the emotional or mental wellbeing of the man who objected. Selective compassion. All said and done, in our rapidly densifying cities, quiet public space is becoming increasingly scarce, small and precious. We can no longer reasonably expect quiet space anywhere outside of our own homes. Not on the bus, nor in the café or restaurant, and certainly not in parks. It isn't just badly raised children but it's also technology, with so many solitary people yapping loudly on their phones. It's better, I think, to continue to go out, but to brace ourselves and lower our expectations. And be flexible. And forearmed. No bear spray please, and not even to be used on the brats' parents. You would get arrested. Earplugs, or noise cancelling headphones, maybe, and the willingness to get up and move, or even leave if it gets too noisy and riotous. No one is going to leave or move for any of us, so we are the ones who have to adapt. Unfortunately.