Nuance 11

It's amazing what people take for granted. It seems, almost everyone expects that their family is going to be around and that they will always have someone to incude them during Christmas, remember their birthdays, and be there for them if they are sick or in hospital, or be with them when they are dying. These are people who walk blindly through life with a humoungous, if innocent, sense of entitlement. They have no idea what disaster could be lurking just around the corner, then suddenly everyone is gone. No family, few if any friends, and Christmas and birthdays spent alone, or inadequately celebrated with people who care little about you. Such has been my experience these last couple of decades, and I don't expect that much is going to change. There are people in church who know a bit about my situation, but time will tell. I think most people for the most part are really pretty selfish and would rather not have the pain of a near stranger's loneliness sully or dampen their festivities. It takes very special and very kind people to reach across this divide that isolates us. I have always tried to be that person, but I have been poorly rewarded for my efforts and still feel more alone and isolated than ever, since I don't really have any genuine friends, and those who claim to be friends, well, their friendship always seems to dangle by a very thin thread of conditionality. I am typical of a lot of people who occupy my statistic: single, older, poor and low income men, with no family and few if any friends. I tried over the last few years to just be a friend without expecting anything in return. What I have ended up with is various self-centred people who have basically used and exploited me for my kindness, with absolutely no desire to reciprocate. I have been casting pearls before swine. I will still be alone for my entire life, and in this isolation I will still at times be struggling to resist the temptation of suicide, because this kind of pain cuts very deep. The most difficult part of explaining this to the people I know, is that none of them hasve a clue what this is like. They all have family and friends and significant others to take care of them. Some of them think I should just get over it, but they have never walked in my shoes, they have no right to say that to me, and if they were in my position I am sure they wouldn't be coping any better than me, and in most cases they would do even worse. Except for one little detail. They can still count on me to offer them support and friendship until they are feeling all better and connected again, then find someone to regularly have sex with who will also babysit them when they are lonely, and next Christmas I will again be alone and isolated, because the people I know are for the most part ungrateful, selfish douchebags. Goodbye to all of you!