Nuance 23

I think that most of us are really desperately lonely, and those of us who are not caught up in the mad scramble of staying connected are likely to feel it the most. I have intentionally stopped contacting a lot of people, partly because I don't believe that they are real friends, partly because I am needing this time of solitude in order to face and reckon with this solitude, much as I don't always like it. I have also long doubted their integrity as friends, given that I have always had to do most of the emotional heavy lifting in order to stay in touch. I have felt passively stigmatized by those people, as though they have long believed that they are doing me a favour by being my friend, as though they are professional volunteers who are willing to be seen with me in public, but otherwise holding me perpetually at arm's length, as though I am not worthy to be counted in their circle of close friends, probably because I am poor, living in BC Housing, and living with a mental health diagnosis, that never has, and now less than ever, defines my life. Oh, so very kind and charitable for them to pretend to be my friends. Those are the same people who ignore me around Christmas, by the way, knowing that I have no family, and that this is an emotionally disastrous time for me, and seem usually too busy to visit, and certainly if they don't hear from me for a while, are probably more likely to feel relieved that I am no longer around to annoy or embarrass them. I do have two friends who want to stay in touch. The others, I'm not sure about, so I am going to first wait to hear from them. If there is no contact in a year, I will get in touch, ask them if they have ended the friendship, and if so, then simply let them go. As for making new friends, well, that's always easier said than done. I still think that the focus should be on being a friend first, but there also comes a time when I have to assert my needs and rights as a friend if I am not feeling adequately supported, and this can make some people very angry. One of my Mexican friends appears to have ended our friendship over this issue, which to me suggests that he never was a friend to begin with, so good riddance. With friends like him, who needs enemas? I am not optimistic about the others. They know that I have no family, and very few people who would care to visit me in hospital, or would attend my funeral or memorial service. As for people in church, I suppose that time will tell. I really can't imagine any of the good burghers at St. Faith's actually wanting to give me the time of day outside of Sunday services, but we shall see. At a recent workshop there, it was said that they do like to welcome everybody, but shouldn't be expected to help people whose needs are beyond their capabilities. No one offered examples, and I am interpreting this as a very convenient get out of jail free card. For example, if next Christmas I find myself, as usual, abandoned, with nowhere to go, can I count on any of those lovely parishioners inviting me into their homes to celebrate with their extended family and close friends? Didn't think so. Silly me, for expecting decent and kind behaviour from church people. In the meantime, this does give me something to do on Sundays, and people to chat with, even if the relationships are likely to remain superficial and without real substance. Unless there is anyone who would like to surprise me. You're innocent when you dream. In the meantime, I will go on reaching out in kindness and friendship and will continue to do everything I can to help out at church, and will go on casting the usual pearls before the usual swine, as is my Christian duty and obligation, and expect nothing in return, while faking my way through church with a smile on my face and a chronically breaking heart. And don't even think of accusing me of feeling sorry for myself, you who have never walked in my shoes.