Life as Performance Art 7

Jesus is quoted as having said "Because iniquity shall abound, the love of many will grow cold." This is such an indicator of the times we are living in. I have just been through the dissolution of yet another friendship. I mentioned this earlier this week and I will copy here some of my final letter to my friend, disguising any revealing details: "I have these final things to say to you... I accept that friendship between us, for you, was likely never an option. Perhaps because I am much older than you, maybe also because of the humble circumstances of my life, maybe also because we come from very different social classes and our perspectives and values are in many ways different, in some ways opposite. This has been difficult for me, but as you began to distance yourself and became gradually less available I realized that it was time to let go of our friendship. Here are some of the clues that all was not right with us as friends. First of all, you would sometimes speak to me in a rude and derisive tone, which is really a kind of verbal and emotional abuse. I don't know if that is acceptable where you come from. Here in Canada it is considered a form of bullying, and this has really hurt me. Also, it is profoundly disrespectful, especially given that I am old enough to be your father. When you are ready to come clean about this with me, I will welcome you again as a friend, if you are willing, but this has caused a lot of harm between us. I have already given you an example of this. You have denied it, which simply makes it worse for me. I do not accept your version of yourself, as your actions seem to reveal rather a different person from the one you claimed to be. This isn't to say that you're all bad. You have at times been a very good and, I think, compassionate, listener, and I think for a while you were interested in understanding better some of the issues that concern me. There have been other signs that I found concerning. Any time I would invite you to my home, or to meet some of my friends, you would refuse or make an excuse not to. You also showed no interest in introducing me to any of your family, nor to your friends. It appeared that you found me an embarrassment and that you didn't want to have to explain me to anyone. Neither did you want to invite me to visit you in your home, even though I did give you housewarming gifts, and you did mention that you did intend to have visitors. I guess you didn't consider me worthy. When I wrote in my email to you the words "Whatever. Peace" it was not to insult you but it was an expression of resignation after not hearing from you, and a kind of acceptance that you were likely ending our friendship. As I have already mentioned I was also in the midst of a profound depression (and you did nothing to check in to see how I was doing), partly fueled by the loss of your friendship, though there were other factors at play. I am still puzzled that you would find those words offensive. I was merely giving my consent to ending our friendship, since that's what you clearly were wanting. I could go on and write more, but I think this covers all the areas of concern. Unfortunately we can't sort any of this out, because you don't appear to be willing. If you ever change your mind, and decide that you want a constructive and respectful dialogue with me, then you are most welcome to get in touch and we'll see what we can do. I cannot unsay or unwrite anything here because this is the truth of how I have experienced knowing you. I do hope that in the future we can reconcile. I don't burn bridges. Till then... Goodbye." I guesss it's partly because all my family is gone, and so many poeple have rejected me or walked out on me or ghosted me, but I do not feel very safe around people these days. I was also severely burned by another friend last summer, who inappropriately commented on my blog, and it is still a struggle for me to restore trust between us. I am really fatigued with people turning on me, often for no clear reason, except that perhaps they are bored, furstrated and unhappy with their lives, and looking for a scapegoat on whom to vent their fury and I often end up being picked as the scapegoat, I think because I am so vulnerable, and because I try to be kind and welcoming to others, no matter what, so i'm an easy target, I guess. We are all so broken and wounded, and living in very uncertain and dangerous times. It doesn't help that friendships have become so user friendly and uncertain. I really want something more stable with people, but almost no one seems interested. I really hope I can become the change that I am seeking in this world. If only some other poeple would come on board with me and not walk away when things get boring or uncomfortable, instead of trying to work at and build community with me, with others. Anyone willing? Anyone out there?