F'Art

I used to think I was an artist.  I took it very seriously.  I began to paint seriously in 1993 and a year later I already had done nicely on early sales of my work.  An insufferable British architect with an insufferable accent and an insufferably insufferable attitude decided that he wanted my parrot paintings to adorn his snazzy new hotel in Richmond.  I unfortunately have no surviving images of these four paintings, except for some photos that are so deeply hidden somewhere that it wouldn't be worth my while to excavate them.  I will here describe them.  Each is a painting, four by three feet in dimension (please do not ask me for the metric), acrylic on stretched canvas, depicting up to nine parrots all of the same species.

I have just conducted an exhaustive (and exhausting) Google search.  There are no images of these paintings on the internet and this doesn't surprise me given that I had painted and sold these works in 1994.  Here are some images of the parrots I painted for the pommy Brit architect.  You can tell that we didn't exactly hit it off but he did buy the art so I will leave it there.    These are, respectively, hyacinth macaw, masked shining parrot, crimson shining parrot and red capped parrot.

When I returned from my first vacation in Costa Rica (thanks to the proceeds of the art sale) it was with the full expectation that unfettered success waited for me as an artist.  I could not have been more mistaken.

I will not go into here all the setbacks, interruptions and doors slamming in my face that I have had to endure, not only concerning my art but about many other things.  I did manage to eke out a very meagre second income on sales of my paintings but only from rigorous networking and showing anywhere that space could be made available, which usually meant cafes, restaurants and hair salons.  I was working only sporadically in those days which gave me a lot of time to paint and schlepp my paintings.  I was sometimes showing in as many as seven consecutive places at a time.  Art galleries were usually out of the question for the simple reason that I couldn't get anyone interested in my work.  It could be that my work isn't good enough for a self-respecting commercial gallery.  I'm not sure.  I have been lied to so many times that I no longer know what to believe.  I still keep painting and drawing because I feel that I have to and that I need to somehow further develop my style and improve my technique.

In all, in about twenty years or so, I have sold approximately one hundred paintings.  It has never been enough to live on and I remain unknown as an artist.  I still paint, but not as much as I used to.  I am too busy and consequently too tired from my day job to promote my art.  I do a lot of drawings in a sketchbook using coloured pencils and pens and most of this activity occurs inside coffee shops.  People are often kind and sometimes will stop by to praise my work or say hi.

I know that I have to do something about the two hundred or so paintings that clutter my tiny apartment and fill my storage locker in the basement.  I am still reluctant to donate or give my art away.  It isn't for lack of generosity but that I have lost too many friends over this.  I have long been a sucker for any friendly person who will seem to like me enough to want to hang out.  I have since realized that for most of these people I have been at most an item of curiosity and I have since learned to run the other way screaming whenever someone tells me they like me because they find me "interesting."  To many of these same losers I gave away some of my paintings as a token of affection and friendship.  They would eventually become distant, absent or would make up all kinds of excuses, usually the words "I'm busy" to relieve them of the embarrassment of being seen with me.  So, free art is still out of the question.

I really don't care if I make a buck off my art or not though it would be nice to get some remuneration, if for no other reason but to supplement my meagre wages that come from my fulltime day job.

I don't really think of myself as an artist, just as a person, another human being.  I am so much more than my art and I have a wide range of interests and activities.  But I still have to create, to make art.  It is a compulsion with me, whether I sell anything or not.  Part of my raison d'etre is making art.  But not all of it.  I make art but I am not an artist.  What am I then?  I am the person you see.  And the person you don't see.  I don't believe in labels and if anyone tries to imprison me with a label then they had better get out of my way, fast.

I know that I do have to get off my ass and start making at least a few inquiries.  If I only had more time.  And more energy.  And a few reliable friends to back me, support me, help me network, but none of my current friends have those kinds of connections and really their friendship for me is its own reward.  Besides, I am not user friendly with people.  Being my friend means you are my friend, without conditions and you don't even have to like my art in order to qualify.  It is going to have to be small steps for now.  Tiny steps.  But a foot forward is better than a foot backward.