Has anyone besides me noticed lately how difficult it can be to have a quiet private conversation inside a café? You mean it isn't just me? It seemed to all begin when they started introducing comfy chairs and sofas. These weren't quite the same arrangements as private tables. Perfect strangers could sit each in their own isolation sharing perhaps the same coffee table but otherwise each to their own laptop or iPhone. I had the hardest time negotiating this new arrangement. It always seemed somehow invasive either crashing someone's space or someone crashing my own space. About eleven years ago I took the plunge at a local café where I was also doing an art show. A rather sour looking older woman was occupying one of two sofa chairs with a table in between. I nervously eased my way into the vacant seat and she very sharply told me that I was not welcome there. I asked if someone else was using the chair. She said no she simply didn't want me sitting there. I explained to her tactfully that generally each chair has open season on it. She grudgingly conceded and I sat down with my book. Then she began to whistle, loudly, I imagine with the expectation that she had might as well make things as uncomfortable for me as possible. I asked her politely to stop, explaining that whistling is very irritating to me. She snorted, then stopped. She soon left.
Over the following years cafes began introducing long communal tables, making small two, three and four-seaters scarce. A quiet table alone or with one or two friends or companions became even harder to find. Neither did the comfy chairs around a coffee table or the communal tables do a blessed thing to get strangers talking to each other. Each could be his own little solitude even if a potential loving spouse or new best friend forever was touching elbows but nothing else outside of her keyboard or touch screen and would never say so much as what a yummy looking muffin you have there.
I have become a bit braver about claiming a comfy seat. But usually when there is only one person there and even then I often ask permission first unless it really seems like the other person wouldn't care. If there are two people there and they are having a conversation I will usually leave them alone. Or I will first ask permission if I don't feel like I'm being too great an imposition.
I almost always welcome all comers, even if I often do prefer my privacy. I have since had to really remind myself in the strongest possible terms that when I am in public I have to do everything I can to let go of the pretense that I am all alone. I have sometimes been pleasantly surprised, engaging in wonderful conversations with new people and even making a new friend or two. Generally I leave them alone unless I sense that they might want to chat a little, or even exchange a comment about the weather. Since I am always working on my art inside cafes people will sometimes comment on my work and this can also facilitate a pleasant visit with someone new.
On another occasion, recently, a yuppie mommy with her year old baby sat with me. I reluctantly welcomed them since one never knows whose quiet little angel will magically morph into a screaming demon. My worst expectations were realized and I had to find another seat. Even if I had a right to, Gentle Reader, I would never dream of kicking a mother and baby out of their seat. It is just not decent. She apologized, I mumbled "No worries" and resumed my art at a different table.
Now here's where I really draw the line. Today, a particularly vulnerable person with whom I work and I were having a very private conversation in a café. This person has physical challenges and needs a scooter to get around as well as having suffered far more than their due. There was one vacant armchair that held my knapsack and my sweater and for good reason. I wanted my client's right to privacy respected and I was prepared to do what I could to help guarantee this and they were disclosing to me a lot of personal information.
This old douchebag came in and demanded to use the chair. I tactfully explained that we were having a private conversation and I would like my client's privacy respected. He rudely snapped that it was his chair, demanded that I show him a business card or credentials and I told him that I was not obliged to do this, neither was I going to divulge any further information out of concern for my client's privacy. He tried to argue and I told him to get over it, twice. He went to the baristas to complain, after threatening to throw us out of the café. The nasty piece of work returned and smugly announced that he was just told he could sit with us if he wanted. I replied that when I heard this from staff then I'd let him have the chair. He must have been lying. He slunk over to another table. My client was upset and suggested we leave. I agreed. On the way out I told NPW (nasty piece of work) that I would never dream of treating him the way he had just treated us. He said something nasty in a very gloating tone. I told him he could have the whole table and my client and I left.
Now I am sure that this kind of situation is so full of variables and nuances that it would be impossible to say who was right or who was wrong. I suppose I could have compassion for NPW for having such a shrunken little soul and perhaps for having a mental disorder. Now in retrospect I am also wondering if he was showing early symptoms of Alzheimer's as he reminded me so unpleasantly of my own father shortly before he was diagnosed. He did come running over to his favourite chair as we were leaving like a dog chasing a tennis ball covered in something that dogs like to eat and humans prefer to flush down the toilet.
I really think that coffee shops owe it to their customers to show a little more foresight and thoughtfulness about how they are going to arrange seating on their premises. They might want to fill seats with bums in order to pay their overhead but by the same token customers also need a certain degree of privacy and space, even if we do happen to be in public. And I also would hope that we as patrons might one of these days learn a little humility and emotional intelligence. We live in an age of entitlement and this kind of rampant selfishness does nothing to help us thrive as a community and everything to destroy us as individuals.
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