How To Be Assertive

Gentle Reader, them's can be fightin' words.  How to be assertive.  We are not, in gentle, passive-aggressive Canada, renowned for assertiveness and we are often so namby-pamby that we ourselves can't tell the difference between assertive and aggressive.  I suppose it is well-known among you that I am assertive.  Some of you may think I'm aggressive.  Well who the fuck are you calling aggressive!  Now, that's aggressive.  What I would really say is this:

There is a difference between aggression and assertiveness, just as there are also differences between being passive and passive-aggressive.  Here's what I've learned along the way.  When you are passive what you are really saying is "I suck". everyone else is okay.  Therefore you can do whatever you want with me.  My back is your welcome mat.  Your name is on it.

When you are aggressive what you are really saying is that all the rest of us suck and you're okay.  Every person who has a back also is my personal welcome mat.  With my name printed on it.  When you are passive-aggressive what you are really saying is that I suck, you suck, we all suck and go ahead and wipe your dirty shoes on me because while you're at it then I will whip the mat out from under you and watch you go flying.  Sure I'll call an ambulance if you need one but just watch how quickly I have forgotten my first aid.

When we are assertive we are really saying I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay.  Now please wipe your feet on the welcome mat before you come inside and then would you be so kind as to remove your shoes.  What would you like in your coffee?

Assertiveness is usually not aggressive or sarcastic.  It is always respectful.  It is not always quiet, sometimes it is angry, but it is always accompanied by self-control.  Assertiveness is also a good listener.  The key word is communication.

I had today four experiences of having to be assertive with people.  It started this morning when I was taking out the recycling.  A tenant in another building in our complex was doing something with his car.  He had also left the gate open with a brick.  I asked him politely what it was about.  He explained that it was to give his buddy in the building full of hard to house addicts free access.  I explained to him that there might be a security concern and that he might want to speak to our building manager about this.  I was polite throughout and assured him that I wasn't trying to play boss.  I did, unfortunately, have to apply a bit of passive-aggression when I returned to my apartment and wrote an email to the building managers.  But sometimes we need to borrow from the enemy's handbook, eh?

While walking the four miles between the coffee shop and the supermarket a young man was walking his two pug crosses.  One started aggressively barking and growling at me.  I smiled and said, "Hey, it's a killer-pug!"  He was apologetic and explained that it was still a pup and was needing more training.  I mentioned that pugs are usually gentle.  He said that he was part Boston terrier and I agreed that Bostons can be a bit feisty.  I did tell him that I thought his dogs were lovely.  I was being assertive but borrowing a bit from the passivity handbook.

In the supermarket a young fellow reached his hand right in front of my face for a plastic bag by the broccoli.  I asked him if he could say excuse me before putting his hand in front of someone's face.  He seemed concerned and asked if he'd startled me and I said yes but it's okay.  We exchanged comments on broccoli finally being affordable again and went our separate ways.  I did borrow a bit from the anger handbook as my initial tone was a bit abrupt, but still useful.

I hauled my heavy load of groceries onto the crowded bus.  There was nowhere to sit and as usual there were some very healthy looking young people hogging the courtesy seats in the front.  I announced in a calm but clear voice that this bag is very heavy and I needed a seat.  A young man immediately complied.  I thanked him.  Later as I got off the bus I thanked him again and said that he might have saved me from an arm injury.  He smiled and I think he felt better from hearing me say that to him.  That was pure and unadulterated assertiveness.