Quejon Soy?

The title is Spanish for "Am I a complainer?"  Well, sometimes, I guess, but really who isn't?  Does this make me ungrateful?  Maybe...But usually not.  I actually am really grateful for what I have and for where I am in life.  I am also aware of how critically vulnerable we all are with the many changes that are happening all around us, especially of how much harder it is to survive on not just a low but also a moderate income.  I try to stay aware of how we are being impacted and I try to use this knowledge responsibly, as an advocate for the poor, the homeless and the vulnerable, knowing full well that I am one of those vulnerable persons.

I'm easily impacted by others, especially strangers in public.  I suppose it's a kind of hypersensitivity, or maybe it's a trauma leftover.  It is often hard to figure these things out.  I am especially noise sensitive.  I always have been but it seems to get worse with age.  I especially can't stand high, strident sounds: sirens, children squealing, whistling.  I am also troubled by people talking directly behind my head, strangers on the sidewalk yelling swear words in my ear.  None of these things are meant to be taken personally.  I don't take them personally.  Still, they can be like torture.

I do what I can to cope.  I refuse to stay home all the time.  I have to be out, in public, among other people, no matter how irritated I get.  Sometimes I manage better than others.  Today, I actually asked a barista to stop whistling, since I was seated nearby with my sketchbook and trying not to be driven nuts.  She resumed whistling, a bit quieter but still enough to be annoying. I packed up my things and left, just after slamming down my half consumed bottle of mineral water in front of her.  "You can have your water back." 

I don't like this hyper-irritability, but I have to accept it.  I think at times that it's also appropriate to tell others how their inconsiderate behaviour is affecting me but not always. Other people are generally pretty oblivious and generally they are going to tell me it's my own problem and I have to get over it.  We also live in a very selfish, individualistic society where the emphasis is on self-expression and being competitive.  People like me really aren't allowed to exist, you know.  We are not strong enough and here only the strong are allowed to survive.  Darwin 101. But exist we do and we really have to make the best of it.  And I'm not complaining.

I really try to monitor myself when I'm out in public.  I try to remind myself that people cannot be blamed for their ignorance.  I take care not to avoid these situations.  But when I can get away, into the quiet, it is like living water pouring over my soul.

To those who know me, but have trouble understanding what I am going through, I have this to say: It`s okay, you don`t have to understand.  I only ask this, that you realize how hard I am trying and what a struggle this often is for me.  I will do everything I can to not offend or embarrass you but I cannot always promise that it`s going to work out that way.  By the same token, I also accept that this at times can make me a difficult person to know and love.  All I can ask is that we both go on trying.

In the meantime, I am not giving up.  I have to be among others and despite the annoyances and the irritations I am also trying to be aware of how negatively I impact others as well.  I am trying every day to see the beauty and the goodness in others, even if they are lacerating my nerves without the slightest knowledge of it.  I will go on trying while doing my best to take care of myself.  It is like a very huge, ancient and complex dance, in which, like it or not, we all have to participate, it has been going on for all the millennia of our species' existence  and even now we are always only going to be just learning the first steps, probably for as long as we live.

Ah, but must I go on dancing?

Yes, my darling child, yes.