Happy Face 10

There is an indelible connection between joy and unselfishness. This isn't to say that depressed people can't be unselfish. Often they are. And what adds to their depression is often the lack of gratitude or appreciation from others. And I have known some very selfish happy idiots in my time. One is a friend from whom I am trying to distance myself a bit because I find his kind of selfishness particularly vexing, but since I have not quite decided to dump him as a friend, I will refrain from further identifying him. I might even be lying about her gender. Anything to cover my butt. This selfish happiness manifests as a kind of happy-go-lucky extroversion that is entirely self-centred, completely narcissistic and is basically saying, look, I'm happy and if you're not then isn't that you're problem? These people are often loud and chronic whistlers, they are incredibly insensitive, make poor listeners, and will simply express boredom, impatience or non-comprehension if you should mention to them any of your troubles or problems, or simply any small details of your dull and mundane life. I am also finding this out as I have been navigating my way through the fallout of one of the worst holiday depressions I have had in a few years. I am not prepared to talk very openly about this because a lot of people, especially men, end up giving all kinds of unwanted and unneeded advice, likely meaning well, but as their way of protecting themselves emotionally from someone else's pain. It isn't about letting go of expectation, since I haven't got any. Rather, this is a legitimate need to be part of a community, something that just doesn't seem to be available for a lot of people who have no family. I found that last Christmas, I did rather well. What was different was, I was able to visit with two different friends of many years. One I cooked breakfast for, the other I delivered cookies to and we visited in the afternoon over a cup of tea. No fancy dinner, no gift exchange (apart from the cookies), but I was able to be there for others and to do something for them and this was fulfilling. This year was a bit different. I thought that by spending Christmas Eve services and dinner with people at church, followed by similar on Christmas morning would be enough, but it wasn't and the following day I was alone and dangerously miserable. It seemed that everyone else had a place to go to and people, almost all family members, to see, and I was left alone and with nothing. My friend from last year did invite me for Christmas dinner, but it would have been this tie too far and too late, she also had a cold, so we decided to cancel, though we had a nice chat on the phone later that day. I still think that I was sucker-punched by depression, and for some reason, was particularly vulnerable this year. This could also be because, more openly than in the past, I have been addressing and challenging the roots of trauma from abusive treatment from my father over Christmas twenty years ago, already written about on these pages, and I also have to consider the fallout of openly confronting this much pain. It's not going to be easy. There are other complications. My mother's birthday is December 22. She died January 9. So, we have here quite a list of sad and traumatizing occurrences. My one bit of bitterness is the lack of available friends to offer me emotional support during this time, and I have decided that I am going to make this a requirement of friendship. This goes out to everyone who thinks they are my friend, Well, duckies, here is your chance to prove it. Next Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, when I am most emotionally vulnerable, you are going to be available. If you cannot see me, you are going to phone me. Or i am going to phone you and you are going to spend time chatting with me. I don-t care what else you are going to be doing, nor with whom, nor if you want to stay alone and feel sorry for yourself. As my friend, you are going to be there and you are going to be available. If phoning isn't an option, then we can email, Skype or text each other. Yes, you are going to do this for me, just as I am going to be there for you. If your answer is no, then the solution is simple. We are no longer friends. I will no longer call you, there will be no more coffee dates or walks together or interesting and meaningful chats. I am sick and tired of going back after every Christmas to people who clearly care not a shit for me, to go on seeing and visiting them through the year, only to be treated like I don't exist again, come next Christmas. Them's my conditions. Agree to them, or goodbye.