Happy Face 7

I have learned, finally, that most of my friends are false friends. They will not be there for me if I am in need. This disastrous Christmas of being isolated without so much as an email or a text from any of those losers confirms to me that I'd might as well let them all go. I have maybe one person in Greater Vancouver, whom I could call a friend. The others have treated me more or less as a convenience, or as entertainment. They find me interesting. That is not friendship. Am I done with them? Too soon and too hard to tell. I am giving them all a time out for a while, perhaps till April after my trip to Costa Rica, then I will try to review things. I am not optimistic. It is because my position is very unequal with people. I do not have the kinds of supports and ballast that they accept as entitlement. When I need extra support that would allegedly come from a spouse or family member, I am completely alone, and these so-called friends, I have concluded are really too selfish, self-centred and narcissistic to want to bother with me. Then I have to consider why I end up in friendships, if they can be called friendships, with persons who really don't care a damn about me. I think the answer is simple enough. In the way we form relationships throughout our lives, we are patterned by the kind of people we grew up with and who raised us. I had a father and an older brother who both hated me. I yearned for their acceptance and love. It never came. That need I have carried out in ordinary life in my subsequent interactions, and it's always been the same, trying to find love and acceptance from people who really don't care about me. I wonder if I can finally break this pattern. I am going to send this and related posts to the people I am concerned with, but either they will not recognize themselves in these writings, or they will be so offended and insulted that they will simply drop me like a hot yucca and we'll be free from each other forever. Might as well. Even though this is not a comfortable process, it is marvellous for clearing the head. This has been wrecking my sleep, but this too shall pass. And, knowing that should these "friends", upon recognizing themselves, should turn nasty and defensive and countercharge me with being defensive and needy, I have this to say: I have always sought to include others in my Christmas celebrations, should they themselves be alone and in need. even when both my parents were both alive and we still did the proverbial family Christmas, I would make an effort to phone or visit during the day, various friends who might be alone. After my mother died and I was in community, we would have an open table Christmas Day and I would bust my ass preparing a beautiful dinner, because I didn't want anyone left out on my conscience. I continued to try to include and involve others until I was no longer able to, from homelessness and then inadequate housing. Now it is my turn to be considered and remembered and no one gives a shit. Friends? I really don't think so. But I am not going to let this prevent me from enjoying life, as much as that has been compromised by you selfish and narcissistic idiots! I am going to continue living and I will find day after day reasons for joy and gratitude because my wellbeing is not dependent upon your false and questionable friendship and if you are such bottom-feeders that you would consider ending all future contact with me, just because I am throwing the truth in your face, then goodbye and good riddance. There are better people out there than you and I will find them, because I am worth better than the crappy and indifferent treatment I have received from all of you.