Happy Face 5

There is an indelible link between love and joy. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that it is joy that comes from love, and not vice-versa. I have reasons for making this claim. Love is always a matter of choice, of choosing. We choose to love. Not to like, but to love. It is not a warm fuzzy feeling inside that makes us fond of the universe. It is a hard and cold reality that we summon into existence by the sheer desire to be better people. We can also, by the same token, love people that we do not like. This has nothing to do with feelings of romance, sex, or even friendship. I have heard this kind of love described as desiring the highest good for others, which makes it absolutely opposite to indifference. I can find any number of tenants in my apartment building, for example, to be a complete pain in the ass, and believe me, some of them are, Gentle Reader, some of my neighbours here are a complete and absolute pain in the ass. But I will still reach out to help any one of these people if they are in need and I am able to. Why? Because I am choosing to, and it is the right thing to do. Even this snotty Chilean young woman who lives upstairs, whom I ran into yesterday in the supermarket. She was barely civil when I said hi to her, and of course I felt angry about this. But even though I would love to retaliate and make her life as miserable as posible here over the coming years, I am not likely going to do this. I will stay out of her way, because she is snotty and miserable, but if I ever see her in need, I will reach out, if she doesn't get all snotty on me, of course. Why? Because she is another human being and that's all that she needs to be to require my goodwill. This isn't to say that it's easy. Of course it isn't. I am considering ending most of my friendships right now, for the simple reason that I have always felt taken for granted by people, and that they always tend to ignore me over Christmas indicates how little they care about me as a person. So, these "friendships", if you want to call them that, are all under review, and I am not optimistic that they are going to survive. Can I make new and better friends? Remains to be seen. I have never been popular, and people tend not to want me around very much, so I might just have to learn how to cope better with the kind of social isolation that seems inevitable and inescapable for a single older low-income male with no family. The isolation is miserable, of course, especially during holidays, but maybe I will be able to pull through enough to survive Christmas next year and the year after. It's still hard to say, given the trauma that I still experience every year, and of course, the suicide risk. I still find that the best antidote to this kind of depression is to try to be there for others, even if it's just smiling and saying hi to a stranger on the sidewalk. These acts of kindness inevitably lead to joy, I think because by reaching out in love towards others we are truly fulfilling our identity as humans. It's being a friend, as opposed to just simply wanting a friend. But wouldn't it be nice if I could have it both ways, if only for a change, for something different? This has, as you can see, Gentle Reader, taken quite a toll on me and I am feeling quite exhausted. I really don't know what to expect for the future. And in light of our very uncertain existence as a planet, which our ever increasing carbon footprint is likely to destroy, my concerns are really very small, and it is always helpful to remember this and to not get too caught up in those moments of angst and personal disappointment. I have seen, in the microcosm of my own experience with people, particularly with a lot of my "friends", how selfish and half-formed we all are. We are so incapable of being friends to one another, how can we possibly be responsible stewards of our natural environment? We are nowhere near where we need to be, we are so selfish and narcissistic. But we have to keep smiling, even if it means faking it, and really, the only thing that is going to make one bloody difference will be in the way we learn how to treat one another and our planet better and in more loving and respectful ways. And this could even help us find real joy. And then maybe even our smiles will be real.