The Peacock 364

 Carol says, "Have you ever thought what a church service would be like if everyone showed up naked?

"What would the clergy use for vestments?"

"They'd have to do without."

A concept I have never considered.  But it seems rather strange, even a little bit creepy coming out of the mouth of Carol Barlow-Meade, world famous concert pianist, in the most cultured Queen's English.

"Sorry.  I hope that didn't offend you.  I don't know where that idea came from, but being here seems to pull whatever strange thing from our mouths, doesn't it?"  When she sees me trying not to laugh she adds, "Yes, I suppose it is rather funny."

"I was just trying to visualize some of the people at St. James in their birthday suits", and now I am succumbing to paroxysms of incontrolable laughter, and soon Carol is joining it.

"Especially when everyone's on their knees, " she laughs, snorting, "And some of those naked bums sticking up in the air!"

Carol's snorting laughter simply eggs me on, and I don't think I can stop.  "And what if the celebrant lets out one loud ripper of a fart!"

"While blessing the elements and elevating the host", screams Carol, with a laugh rather like a police siren...

The Peacock 363

 "Do you think that father Griffin will be coming around again?" I ask.

"I rather doubt it", says Carol.  "For all his sanctity, the man has terrible pride.  And today we did find his achilles heel."

"His racism."

"If you  could call it that."  She looks down quietly.  "I suppose I should be one to talk, After my own episode with Francois.  What is it about this house where one is always being caught off guard."

"I should be the one to know.  I don't think that any of us is going to come out looking our best."

"Yes, we do want to look our best, one would suppose", says Carol.  "You know,something, when I began attending St. James five years ago, I really pulled out all the stops in order to look my best.  As though dressing for dinner, except that the meal was going to be the eucharist.  Then one morning, I slept late, and didn't have time to doll myself up.  So, in a twinkle of mischief, I simply pulled on the same pair of jeans that I wore the day before while working in the garden.  They weren't really dirty.  Then pulled on a T shirt and sneakers, and off I went.  Mother was quite appalled.  But that became, shall we say, my church uniform."

"God doesn't care how we dress."

"He is only concerned with the condition of our souls..."

The Peacock 362

 Carol seems to be fixated on the now almost fully open magnolia blossom, that spreads across the dark green like a creamy white dinner plate. I find that  I am watching for the peacock.

"There is a purpose to our being here, Christopher", says Carol, unprompted.

"I suppose you could call it that."

"We are all, individually and collectively, undergoing a kind of spiritual surgery.  Such is often the purpose of such a retreat.  But here there is a difference."

"What would that be?"

"We are all undergoing the same kind of surgery.  Carl and Melissa, as well as you and I.  The three women and Francois, along with Aaron and Jesús.  All of us.  It's messy.  And chaotic.  And so highly necessary.  This is going to be difficult.  And we are all in it together, as alone and isolated as some of us might feel at the time.  What, by the way, is your vocation?"

"I work in palliative care."

"With the dying.  My God, young man.  With the dying!"  She looks down at her book, as though thinking of picking it up again, ignores it, and says, "Christopher, we are all in one terrible, dreadful  mess here.  And this has to be.  We were all summoned here. By God, and it might be a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God, but here we are, we have all fallen into those hands, those terrible, open and wounded hands of Christ, and now the blood is touching us all...."

The Peacock 361

 "You're sure that is what you want to do?" says Carol.

"Right now, after three days here, I can't say that I'm sure about anything.  And I imagine that you would feel quite the same."

"Quite indeed.  Who was that friend of yours, whose diary you are reading with Carl."

"He lived with my father and I for five years. Died when I was twenty.  He would have been already in his thirties.  Jumped off a bridge, or so the story goes."

"How awful.  Were you very close?"

"He was family.  Not simply like family.  Kenny became family.  I lost my brother."

"You are an only child."

"That I am."

"I am very sad for you."

"For being an only child?"

"No.  For your loss.  You already know about my story as a younger sibling.  You don't want to imitate my good fortune."

"Do you think you'll ever see her again?"

"Tina?  God only knows."

"Would you like to see her?"

"As I said, God only knows.."

"

The Peacock 360

 "And if you want, I will tell you right now, play by play exactly what Carl and I have been getting up to."

"You don't mean to say..."

"I mean to say, that one of us lies on the bed, the other sits on a chair, and we eat snacks and talk and tell each other jokes, and I read to him from the diary of a close friend of mine who died by suicide."

"I am so sorry..."

"Nothing to be sorry about.  Then we give each other a hug, and we go to bed.  Separately."

"And that's all?"

"Right now, anyway."

"And you trust him?"

"So far I am finding Carl to be one of the most trustworthy persons I have ever known.  Even though we've known each other for three days, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

"The rest of your life!"

"Well, I think it is quite a bit early to be thinking about marriage, but I could still see myself living here full time and making a life with both Carl and Melissa..."

The Peacock 359

 "But, really, Christopher, do be careful around him.  He could have a bit of an agenda with you."

"Maybe you want to worry about Carl, instead", I reply, smiling.

"You don't mean to say...

"We really seem to like each other"

"I daresay, you do spend a lot of time together.  But is it healthy?"

"You mean here?"

"I mean exactly here.  That could hardly be considered appropriate here in a Christian spiritual retreat centre."

"I don't think you need to worry about us."

"Then you and Carl, you are just,...friends, you mean to say?"

"I mean to say there is nothing to worry about.  We are both okay."

"But all this time you are alone together, up in one of the bedrooms."

"No telling what we might be getting up to:" And as uncomfortable as I find her awful intrusive questions, I am rather enjoying this opportunity of playing with her.  "And by the way, the other day, wasn't it you who said that our sexuality is a gift?"

"I didn't mean...but Christopher, what re you two getting up to!"

"It's none of your business, and if you are really worried, then why don't you come upstairs and join us tonight?"

The Peacock 358

 "There's an awful lot of drama here. Drama and intrigue", says Carol.  "And to think we all came here for a rest.  Well, today, I have been taking it easy,  laying low so to speak.  I did make the mistake of sitting in on the last bit of the meeting this afternoon.  But really, aside from chatting with Melissa and a bit with the two new ladies here, I have been simply escaping for long walks or reading my book here in the garden.  Melissa, by the way, is a most fascinating young lady.  Did you know that she has a black belt in karate?"

"She did mention something."

"She is like Diana Rigg in her role as Mrs. Emma Peel from the Avengers detective series.  Did you ever see the Avengers? A fascinating drama comedy spy series from the sixties.  And Diana was way ahead of her time, karate chopping and judo flipping felons that got in her way.  She was an inspiration to many young British girls from back in the day.  Me included."

"I imagine she keeps her brother in line."

"Carl", then she coughs lightly.  "Deplorable young man.  just deplorable."

"I like him."

"But he is so bloody shameless and indiscrete.  He is so dreadfully Dutch!"

"Part of his charm."

Sucking back a good draught of air, which makes her mouth pucker in a way that makes me want to laugh, she says, "Oh, I suppose so."