The Peacock 1053

 "That's interesting", says Carl.  Francois is silent.

"Aside from rather a flop of matrimonial relations with my wife, he is the only sexual partner I've ever had.  After the third time, he followed me home.  He had been sleeping in a tent in the gay section of the beach, in between tree planting contracts on Vancouver Island.  Dad was away for a few days on retreat, but I wouldn't let Chuck sleep with me.  He slept in the den on the hideabed, then the next morning, after giving him breakfast, he went away.  I never saw or heard from him again.  Curiously, he did apologize for taking advantage of my vulnerability, as he called it.  And he was right about that.  Even if I did sin by consenting, I felt lured into his trap with him, and very much taken over by him.  I never said anything to Dad about it, nor that I had entertained a house guest in his absence   That's always stood as a bit of a wedge between us, I'm afraid.

"That you had to keep that secret from him," says Carl.

"That, without my father's consent or knowledge that I allowed some random stranger I'd had sex with to sleep in his house without his knowledge or consent."  And now, for the first time ever in life, I am undergoing contrition and repentance, and tears are streaming down my face.  Francois is still silent...

The Peacock 1052

 "Bedtime" says Carl.

"Agreed", says Francois, stretching and yawning.

"Shall we pray first?"say I.

"Don't see why not", says Francois.

We are seated, quietly, each with head bowed where we re sitting.  Yes, I am still feeling the Presence, not quite so strongly, but something has definitely opened in me.

Carl says, "Chris, you are needing to get something off your chest.  I keep getting this image of a man, brown hair, moustache, somewhere in his thirties, and he seems to be telling me that you need to say something about him."

"Australian?"

"Could be.  I have no way of knowing."

"That would be Chuck.  We had sex together three times at Wreck Beach more than twenty years ago..."

The Peacock 1051

 I was impressed with how quickly he composed himself, but just then I caught just a faint whiff of scotch on his breath.  He probably had a bad hangover, and he certainly wasn't going to be for me the only Anglican cleric who also happened to be a lush. Alcoholism has long had pandemic proportions among Anglican clergy, and for a few years I happened to be one of the victims.  Further on I will give you an account of my rehabilitation and recovery, but for now let's stick with the old lush running the theological seminary.  After he caught his breath he mentioned that I was enrolled as Kevin Wilson, and as far as he was concerned, Kevin Wilson I would remain.   This I took as a slap in the face.  I had registered not as Kevin, but as Karen, and that with the bishop's blessing, I sputtered in his face.  I was then told that His Grace had no jurisdiction here because we were now in a different diocese.  But I had an ace up my sleeve.  I was on very friendly terms with the chaplain, and he was totally good with recognizing me as Karen Wilson.  But I didn't have to go to him because, as it happened, the next morning, word got out that our noble provost had been felled overnight by a devastating stroke, possibly brought on by his drinking and maybe hastened forward a bit by me, from which he was to leave this mortal coil just ten days later....

The Peacock 1050

 "And I happen to be a woman."

"What", said the provost, "brought you to that conclusion?"

"I explained to him how, from childhood, I never felt nor could really identify as male.  That I only identified with the other girls in school and in my neighbourhood growing up. That I had to struggle and fake being a boy, and of how difficult and unforgiving this was growing up in a small redneck town.  Of what a farce marriage and fatherhood were, especially given that had I the option, I would have very happily carried each of my three sons to term nside my own body, given birth, and nursed them from my own breasts.

He asked me if I was homosexual and that was when I completely lost it.  I roared in his wizened face that sexual orientation had nothing to do with my gender identity, and that otherwise not to expect me to dignify with a reply so ridiculous and puerile a question.  Then he became particularly angry, his face turning such a deep shade of heirloom tomato red that I was afraid he might drop dead of a stroke right there in the office with me.

The Peacock 1049

 "So are you going to read to us, or what?" says Carl.  "It's closing in on ten."

"We can do a short quick read.  I'm also feeling the night.

"My second day in seminary, and everything was beginning to look promising, but then I was called to the provost's office.  He is no longer with us, and even then he seemed ancient, I would imagine already getting on for eighty. A tall, slightly stooped and rail thin man with an amazing mop of snow white hair and black eyebrows that sat on his forehead like decorative caterpillars.  Through his dark rimmed glasses glared two very intensely blue eyes that missed nothing.  A force to be reckoned with. He copped a very broad smile as I came in and invited me to sit down.  The kind of smile that a politician would wear as he launches his reelection campaign.  "Good morning, Kevin, I understand you are just settling into the life and program here", he began, when immediately I corrected him.  "My name is Karen", I said.  "That is rather interesting", he replied.  "Karen, I believe, is a woman's name.  But seated here before me I see a young man.  "

"Who you see here is actually a woman, no longer young, at least not that young." I said.

"On your records here, it says you are thirty one. I must admit that to a man my age, anyone younger than fifty is young"

The Peacock 1048

 "So how is our Swedish friend?" says Carl.

"Coping.  Tomorrow morning iIm bringing him some books from Dad's library and some art supplies.  It's not a good arrangement for him.  He suffers from depression.

This second chapter of karen's memoir looks interesting.  "Facing the Judges", it says.   "Oh one other thing.  Erik also has given me news of Greta, my ex.  It turns out that she's quits with her second husband.  Guess who has replaced him."

"Lindstrom?" says Francois.

"That was lucky."

"Doesn't take a genius", says Carl.

"And one other thing.  Apparently Erik's claim of coming here for his phd is bogus.  He is simply trying to get away from his sister and her beau.  Apparently he's been in some kind of danger from them and is trying to escape."

"No surprise that", says Francois.

"He mentions that even though Lindstrom whould be at least sixty by now, he really looks hardly a year older than twenty years ago."

"Now that is creepy", says Carl.

"Or", says Francois lazily, "he has a good plastic surgeon..."

The Peacock 1047

 Even though he sat in the shade he was completely naked, plus he had a gigantic erection that he made absolutely no attempt to conceal from me.  I stood there paralysed.  He gestured to the space next to him and said, "Come on over."  He had an accent.  Australian.  And after standing there stupidly staring at his gigantic member, I slowly, shyly made my way over to him. He was very handsome, longish dark brown hair, clear blue eyes and a mustache concealing full sensuous lips  There is a first time for every thing, I reasoned, and as I took my place next to him wondered however was I going to explain any of this to Dad.

Odd, after such an intense and beautiful encounter with God that here I am, while seated with my friends in the living room to read a bit more from Karen Wilson's memoir, that I am remembering in lurid detail, no, reliving in lurid detail, my first ever sexual encounter.  It may be prudent to say something to Carl and Francois, but not yet.  It still seems too soon for this.  But God also feels present, strongly present, and I think He is walking me through these memories.  For healing no doubt....