So, how do we come to love unconditionally? That is not going to be easy. For anyone. To everything there is a limit, sung in Portuguese by the late great Cesaría Evora. And everyone has their limit. I have my limit. We all have our limit. Generally if a situation becomes abusive and unsafe for me that is when I am going to pull the plug. Once I have overstayed long enough to get seriously hurt, poisoned or damaged by another being then for a while at least I am no longer going to be very useful in this world. But, Ah! you might say, what about forgiveness! Who is this great and mighty Christian, writing such noble and glowing words from the Gospels on one page, then on the next page completely contradicting and overturning the most elemental teachings of Jesus, and just to suit his caprice of the moment? But, yes, Gentle Reader, I am being challenged these days to practice what I preach. I am being challenged and taught to forgive, not simply to just let it go so I can feel better about myself, but to truly, madly, deeply and profoundly forgive from the very depths of my dark little heart anyone and everyone who has ever harmed, traumatized or damaged me or inalterably changed for the worse the course of my life. I have, in recent days, had two opportunities of practicing forgiveness. Both occurred with individuals who had previously indecently assaulted me.
One of them was my neighbour for the first several years I had lived in this building where I still reside. In fact, like me, he was one of the first tenants when this building opened in 2002. I will not go into details about what occurred, but some of his inappropriate behaviour became such that I came to feel very nervous and unsafe around him, and certainly having to live across the hall from him. It was very difficult communicating to management about any of this, since the acting manager then was a very homophobic Christian fundamentalist. He is one of two male tenants who have been inappropriate towards me. The other was downright traumatizing to me. He is also long-gone from Candela Place.
My former neighbour had moved into a sister building in the same neighbourhood, and I felt no small relief that he was gone, with the possible exception that the two successive tenants in the same unit have also been pretty difficult, but at least they have kept their hands to themselves. Since my former neighbour moved to the other building, I do see him from time to time on the sidewalk in the area. never acknowledging me, not even looking my way. For years I carried resentment towards him, thinking of him as a useless waste of DNA, forgetting for five minutes or so that the poor man was living with a mental illness. For ten years or more, we would pass each other on the sidewalk, like strangers. Then, just two or three days ago, I saw him near my building as I was on my way home. I looked up at him, smiled and said hi. His face lit up as he shyly responded. No dramatics, no loving embrace, not even a warm handshake, but just enough eye contact to assure him and reassure him that it was okay, that we are now okay with each other, that all shall be well, and he walked away looking lighter, like one relieved of a dreadful shadow.
It happened again yesterday, on the bus. I was greeted by a young man who used to be my client. He was also in love with me. And really tried to use his hands to express his feelings. On top of my body. This was very distressing to me, and I needed a lot of support from colleagues at work to get through this without becoming traumatized. After we stopped working together, I tended to get a bit uncomfortable the rare time I saw him in public, and found myself usually shrinking back from him. Yesterday on the bus, I let that all go, and we rode the bus together chatting randomly like brothers.
Neither of these men can hurt me any longer. Both these men have been very hurt by life. I feel that by forgiving them both, I have lessened their pain and helped open to them something new and possibly something that could be very beautiful, even if we never see each other again.
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