The Peacock 1165

 The azaleas are in their full blooming glory, huge banks of multitudinous fiery shades of yellow, orange, red and pink.  

"The yellow ones smell like cinnamon and cloves" say I.

"This place is just incredible", says François, picking up his phone..."I just got a reply from Jason.  He says he can come out tomorrow with Lazarus.  Carol is going to drive them.  It appears they are all abandoning ship..."

"What did he say?" says Carl.

"Everyone, which is to say the guests and a few others have decided they've already had enough.  Jesús is also coming out with them."

"We could put them both up in the condo", say I", and Jesús could stay with us at the house.

"Or they could stay in the basement."

"The others?"  Carl is looking particularly worried right now.

"They're all committed to staying on with my sister, for the moment at least, but they are also getting anxious, according to Jason."

The Peacock 1164

 "Are you sending Jason a text?" says Carl as we flank him on the bench.

"That I am."

"This place is pretty decent", says Carl., turning his head in every conceivable direction.

"On the internet this park has been designated one of the ten most beautiful city parks in the world", say I.

"Try one out of five", says Carl.

"There's a huge azalea garden just around the corner."

"That's what we should we planting.  Azaleas.  Why did we never think of azaleas?" says Carl with flourish.

"Maybe your Dutch obsession with tulips?" says Francois.

"Ouch!"

"Just a token of my affection, Carl."

"How about another hug instead?"

"You just had one.  Maybe tomorrow."

The Peacock 1163

 And this of course for me begs the unaskable question of what are we really doing together.  Unaskable because we are all really afraid of finding out.  Or because we already know the answer and none of us three really feel quite ready to face its naked impact.  Well, both my new friends need my support with  their mothers now ill with covid and I need their support as I begin to negotiate this new and fragile stage in my mental health recovery.  This learning to live without the numbed certainty of daily psychotropic medications and actually facing all my little demons unassisted and unarmed except for the courage of facing them and standing my ground.  And it is never a good idea to do this sort of thing alone, even though there comes the time when we can only do this sort of thing alone.  Francois has found a bench and already is seated while pulling out his phone...

The Peacock 1162

 "It's a big park we're in , Francois", says Carl.  "I'm sure we'll be safe."

"It isn't quite that.  I just realized something..I am really a lot more connected to my mother than I ever before realized."

"Her having covid has made you more conscious of your relationship" say I.

"When I was putting on the mask, I was doing it in order to protect her.  Which is absurd, given that she is three thousand miles away and already has covid.

"You wish you were there to protect her?"

"Yes, I do, actually.  I really think she needs me right now."

"What's stopping you?" says Carl.

"I feel I am ,more needed here right now."

"And that you need to be here."

"Yes, I suppose..."

The Peacock 1161

 This is Lagoon Drive we are crossing", say I, signalling to the green bank of trees and foliage on the other side, "and so we just have to take this pathway down and we are in Stanley Park."

"I've never been here before", says Carl.

"Same here", says François.  "This is beautiful."

I am surprised how busy the park is with visitors, this being a weekday,  but we are in a pandemic, a lot of places are still closed, and people are encouraged by our public health officer to spend as much time outdoors as possible.  They are mostly walking or on bikes, some joggers, a lot of people wearing masks.

"Should we be wearing masks?" say I.

"You can't get covid outdoors", says Carl.  "It's an overreaction."

 François is putting on a mask.

"How big is this place?" says Carl.

"I think it's a bit over two square kilometres", say I.  Francois has removed his mask and now stuffs it in his back pocket.

The Peacock 1160

 "I think I'm with you about not walking with your phone in your hand", say I to François.  We are right now passing through a neighbourhood full of low to medium rise buildings, and a few towers, but not on this block.  "You know, sometimes I even forget to bring my phone with me."

"I can't say that mine gets a lot of use", says Carl, "Except for when I'm working.  And right now because Melissa is needing an open line while I'm away from the house.  And of course, my mother."

"My dad was very worried about this technology, and he steadfastly refused to get one, he just had a basic cell phone for emergencies.", say I.

"Your father has been a strong influence on you", says Francois.

"Yes.  Unfortunately."

"Why Unfortunately.?"

And now a question that I just don't know how to answer.  "I don't know.  it's hard to say, I guess."

"You've not really given it a lot of thought till now?" says Carl.

"Something like that."  And now it looks like we are going to walk in silence again, for a while, as I stumble and muddle through guilt as the only one among us who was ever properly raised and loved by his male parent.

The Peacock 1159

 "Wait a minute", says Carl.  "If he was missing for fifteen years would they not have known?  Would there not have been missing persons reports and searches?"

"Apparently his mother was getting phone calls from him every couple of months or so.  Yet he says he doesn't remember anything."

"Francois, text Jason.  Right now."

"Yes massah."

"Francois!"

"I only do that to bug you.  it's a sign of affection." 

"I would prefer a hug, I think."

"Okay" says Francois, stoppíng in his tracks to enfold Carl in a warm sustained hug. 

"That's much better" says Carl as they gently disengage.

"As soon as we find a bench to sit on I will send Jason a text. .. And not a moment sooner."

The Peacock 1158

 "What was he saying?" asks Carl.

"He talked a bit about  when he was involved in that church in Melbourne he met this girl who he married.  He did mention that it was a sham, and the way he expressed it was like the old boys' network, two queer men understanding implicitly that they sometimes will marry women as a cover up or to try to cure themselves of their homosexuality, and of course it never works and usually leads to huge problems.  That part  I don't really have trouble with.  He says that when she left him she was pregnant with their daughter who he now wants to meet."

"But there is more", says Carl, as we cross at the pedestrian signal cheeping like an electronic songbird on steroids...

"It's the way he left her and what happened after.  The next day he got a phone call from Angela, remember she is Sarah's friend from back in Melbourne who connected her with the church and the faith.  Chuck says he got a phone call from her the day after and was informed that this position of street minister he is now working in would be immediately available to him if he would leave the country immediately and have no further contact with his wife.  And that he accepted it without arguing.  It just does not compute."

"Do you think he was hitting her?" says Francois.

"It could be.   Oh, there is something else as well.  He was apparently abducted to that island where Jason and Lindstrom were both guests, or hostages, or whatever, and apparently must have been there for fifteen years before suddenly finding himself flying back to Australia."

"Do you think we could get him to talk about it?" says Carl.

"Next  time we're sitting down I will send Jason a text and see how soon he can come down here.  I'm sure he can help solve this puzzle", says Francois.

"Why not text him now?" says Carl.

"I try to never be on my phone when I'm walking.  Don't want to turn into a tech zombie."

"If Chuck gets involved with us here, I don't think he is going to have much choice in the matter but talk about it" , say I...  

The Peacock 1157

 As we are approaching Denman Street, Francois is the first to break the silence.  "Chris, were you and Chuck able to find enough time to talk together while I was on the phone with my mom in the café?"

"We had a little time, but didn't get into any personal stuff."

"I'm sorry.  I wonder if you should have gone alone to see him?  I just offered to come because I thought you might want some support."

"I am actually extremely grateful to you for coming.  And no I didn't want us to get too personal.  At least not this early in the game.  And besides, you're coming has helped secure us both employment."  Of course what I am not going to say, even though it is what I am thinking, is that the only reason Carl wanted me to go alone was that he would not be there himself and he would be damned if he was going to let Francois stand in for him with me."

"What did you and Chuck talk about?" asks Carl, now pulled out of his apparent funk over having to walk and not being allowed to look around in the book store.

"You don't have to, Christopher", says Francois.

"I think I should. There was something that he was saying that doesn't quite square with me..."

The Peacock 1156

 It has been a couple of years since I have walked this route, and also a couple of years since my last visit to the park. I am flanked by Carl on my left and Francois on my right, who always appears to be walking half a step ahead of us.  I think this could be metaphoric, and that we both have much to learn from him.  I really can scarcely imagine three more different people to be thrown together like this, but isn't that always the way Jesus does it?  And how strangely well we get along.   We can even fight with each other and do it in a way that no one gets hurt. Well, so far, anyway.  We have only been together a week and a half, ten very intense days, and I sometimes wonder what could be our breaking point.  We each seem to have our turn at putting up and shutting up, but how long can we endure this.  The constant togetherness is in itself troubling, but right now seems inevitable.  I am just waiting for either Chuck or Francois to get so sick of it all, but I also know it is partly my own fault for not saying anything, for not having a spine, for simply submitting to the inevitable.  Ah...this learned helplessness.  When we turned off of Robson street to walk on Barclay, much quieter with parks and heritage mansions, Carl at first protested.  He wanted to stop and look at books.  Well, that is something he is going to have to do on his own time...

The Pesacock 1155

 "What do we have on for the rest of the day", says Carl.

Ah...Togetherness.  That's what it is all about.  And now Francois and I both are being swallowed alive together in Carl's  whirlpool of neediness.  I don't know about Francois but I seem to have accepted it, and yes I even enjoy it.  Including Carl's relentless crush on me and his poorly disguised little fits of jealousy.  Stick a fork in me...I'm done!

"I've never seen Stanley Park, you know", says Francois.

"You know", says Carl, "Neither have I.  "Chris?"

"Your wish is my command."

"Is Georgia Street the best route for driving there?"

"We are walking", say I.

"No way!"

"We are walking" says Francois, with a light chuckle.

"Hey two against one isn't fair."

"But inevitable when we are three", says Francois with a big smile on his face....

The Peacock 1153

 "Does your friend have room for a crazy Dutch guy on his team?"

"We would have to talk to him first,   plus, he would want to meet you.  I think, Chuck's style of hiring has more to do with whether or not he likes you."

"And you don't think he would like me."

"Only one way to find out", says Francois.  "But aren't you going to be busy for a while, with your mom and with getting back to the mansion and everything?"

"I'm done with that place."  Now we are all seated together in the living room.  
Carl has taken over the couch with his manspread, and Francois and I are each in the two armchairs.

"I think also Chuck is particularly interested in aptitude and ability to connect with people on the street", say I.  Francois is a natural, me, I think I'm a disaster at it, but Chuck, from observing me, thinks I'll do okay."

"Does he still like you?" asks Carl.

"It's hard to say.  There is a connection, but for me anyway there is nothing romantic or otherwise."

"And for Chuck?"  Well, at least Carl is granting him his name and not just rendering him anonymous by referring to him as "My  Friend"....

The Peacock 1152

 Carl has just arrived ahead of us in the apartment and is just making a big pot of coffee.  I don't know why I call this place an apartment instead of a condo, but really there shouldn't be a lot of difference.

"How's your mom?" say I standing next to him at the kitchen sink while pouring me a glass of water.

"She is breathing on her on now, but they still won't let me see her.  They really want to keep this thing from spreading.  But they said I could try again tomorrow.  Plus, I delivered the goods to your friend."

"Thanks.  Thirsty?"

"Don't mind if I do".  So I pour him and Francois each some water.  "How did it go with your Australian friend?

From the living room replies Francois", It looks like Chris and I have just been hired to work with him caring for the homeless."

"No way", says Carl.

"We're starting our practicum tomorrow", say I.

"Are you guys getting paid for it?"

"Yeah", says Francois.

"How much?"

"We didn't talk about that", say I.

"But you should always negotiate for the best possible offer."

"Um..." says Francois, "This is the kind of work that just cannot be done for the paycheque.  Plus, we are pretty far from broke, you know."

"True", says Carl.  "Very very true..."

The Peacock 1151

 "I worked with unhoused people in Montreal."

"You are a natural.  Would you consider working with us?  I mean, we are hiring soon, the pay isn't that great, unfortunately."

"I will certainly give it some thought."

"How about you, Christopher?

"Well, I am out of work now.  I was doing palliative nursing for quite a while, but the pandemic has put me out of work.  But, why me?  You noticed I'm sure how awful I was with your friends on the street."

"Please let me differ, if I may.  You approached them with care, respect, and interest.  And acceptance.  I could tell you were liked."

"I felt completely useless."

"As did I at first.  That is humility.  Please, both of you, do give some serious thought to this.  But I have to get out of here soon do do some outreach.  When are you coming back?"

"When would you like to see us?" says Francois.

"Tomorrow?"

"What do you think?" I say to Francois.

"Does this mean we're already hired?" he asks Chuck.

"How about a paid practicum?"

"Deal", says Francois. And I also nod in shy reluctant agreement...

"

The Peacock 1150

 "I've seen you here during mass", say I.

"As I have you on occasion."

"But you didn't say anything."

"Weren't you avoiding me?"

"Truth is, I didn't know it was you."

Chuck pauses between pouring out coffee in our mugs, then says, somewhat sadly, "Yes, I imagine the years have changed me somewhat."

"As they have for me", say I.

"Christopher, you have hardly aged in twenty-five years.  What is your secret?"

"Well, thanks, but I beg to differ.  I am starting to go grey, my hair is thinning in places, and getting lines on my face and bags under my eyes."

"Still hardly discernible."  And now he is smiling at me in a way that I find simultaneously creepy and appealing.  To Francois he says, "I noticed how well you interact with people on the street..."

The Peacock 1149

 Chuck's office is in the basement of Saint James's Church, where Chuck has just disclosed that he is a regular attender, even though he is Roman Catholic and not Anglican.

"I have no intention of converting", he says, as he makes us a fresh pot of coffee.  "We're the only ones present today."

"I used to attend here", say I.  "Quite regularly."

"Yes, the special effects of Anglo -Catholic liturgy are something phenomenal", he says.

"I wouldn't mind checking this place out sometime", says Francois as he relaxes into a beat up armchair, and I into the other one.  Chuck is perched on the corner of the desk.

"This place has become something of a refuge for me", says Chuck.  "And I have free access to the church, so any time I want to run upstairs for a little quiet devotional time...I feel very spoiled here."  He attends to the coffee, leaping off the desk like a manic squirrel, and says, "How long ago were you coming here?"

"I was a regular attender for a while, then off and on," and suddenly I remember seeing Chuck here, just last year, several times, yet never made the connection...

1148

 We have paused to talk with strangers living on the sidewalk at least a dozen times and we're still on our way to Chuck's office.  They all look terrible, unhealthy, malnourished, strung-out on drugs, some appear to be dying.  I never knew that it would get so bad here, and I regret to this very day that I actually once voted for the provincial party that orchestrated this madness of disempowerment.  I have never thought of myself as political, and after the sad fallout began to appear on our city sidewalks I came to rue the day that I voted for those greedy clowns, and have never cast a ballot since, not in twenty years.  Francois appears to have taken quite naturally to the local homeless, and engages well, frankly, compassionately and humorously with some of them. He appears to be a natural. Me, I am completely out of my element, and totally embarrassed at my lack of compassion.  Chuck is fully in his element, and he is clearly welcome and liked here, even loved...

The Peacock 1147

 "Who is this friend of yours?" says Chuck

"Jason lived with us for several years.  He and some others actually lived in that Christian community you visited before you disappeared and lost your memory.  In fact, you might even have met some of them", says Francois.

"What did he say about his experience?"

"Better that you hear it from his own lips. I will send him a text today and see if we can get him down to visit for a few days before you take off.  When did you say you are returning to Australia?"

"That's still up in the air thanks to this bloody pandemic.  "Can we touch base in a day or two?"

"We certainly can.  I imagine you are going to be quite busy", say I.

"Not extraordinarily busy.  A lot of my work is simply hanging out.  In fact, if you guys have time, I would love to show you our office..."

The Peacock 1146

 "Your friend also had amnesia for several years?"

"He did for quite a while", says Francois.  "Then he remembered everything that happened to him."

"What happened to him?" and Chuck is looking clearly frightened.

"Nothing bad.  In fact, quite the opposite", say I.  

"It's better that you meet him and hear from him yourself", says Francois.  "That could actually trigger your memory for you."  To me he says, "There's room for him in the house?"

"There's room for both of them.  And if they're still here when Erik is out of quarantine, well, I can set up a bed for him in my dad's office...

The Peacock 1145

 "You mentioned that your last memory was in Saanich?" say I.

"I was on a beach with this kid who had brought me there"

"Can you describe the kid?"

"I would say, no more than sixteen,  Beautiful, beautiful boy, very calm, gentle and super articulate, seemed to have the wisdom of a very old man.  He was dressed plainly, white shirt, faded blue jeans.  i can't remember what he said so much as his presence.  He had real presence."

"Francois", say I, "Do you have Jason's contact information?"

"I do as a matter of fact."

"I think he needs to be part of this conversation."

"Jason?" says Chuck, now clearly baffled and a little bit alarmed.

"A friend of ours.  He might be able to fill in some gaps for you.  Would you like to meet him?"

"Well, yes, I would imagine."

"Ï'll get hold of him today", says Francois...

The Peacock 1144

 I'm especially reminded every day of how vulnerable I am.  Of how, except for a few strategic steps and timely encounters with kind people that I could well be huddled on the sidewalk between fixes or dying from a lethal overdose in the alley."

"Did you ever struggle with addictions yourself?" say I.

"When I was tree planting, and then everything went blank for about fifteen years or so, but I must have been in some kind of recovery or treatment centre.  I mentioned this to you while Francois was talking to his mom on the phone.  If it wasn't for my mom confirming getting monthly phone calls from me throughout that time, I would be at a complete loss."

The Peacock 1143

 "So, tell us more about what you re doing here", says Francois.

"I work out of an office in one of the churches in the DTES.  They have generously given us space in their basement and charge us only a token for rent, plus they are enthusiastic supporters of what we are doing.  Basically, I go out every day and chat with local street people.  I always carry naloxone with me in case someone's having an overdose.  And try to liaise people with help and services and hopefully housing, which is particularly a challenge in this city.  And often buying them food or taking them for meals.  But mostly it's about relationship building."

"Would you say", says Francois, "That by helping others, you re also helping yourself?"

"In every way..."

1143

 "But now you're back in contact with Hannah?" says Francois.

"last year, just out of the blue, she sent me an email.  There is no way we re getting back together,but we do seem to have become friends.  I have finally met Lara our daughter.  She is so adorable and I am anxious to see her in person.

"And there's your mom", say I.

"Yes.  She needs me and I am hoping to get out of here in a couple of weeks time..."

The Peacock 1141

 "Did Sarah ever tell you about Angela?"

"A bit", say I.  "That she is older, part Aboriginal, and that she was in the past a sex worker with addictions but that she had since come into a very strong relationship with Christ."

"The woman is a walking miracle.  Anyway, we met for breakfast at the hostel, and before we even sat down she said that Hannah had already spoken to her, that she no longer wanted to stay with a husband who would not properly make love to her, and point blank she asked me if I was gay.  I refused to answer, and she said it wasn't important, but since I was now on my own, there was a posting for a street minister in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside that she thought was tailor made for me.  And she was right.  She told me she would give me the full contact info only on the condition that I completely respect Hannah's request that I not contact her again.  Of course, I knew I was being taken out of the way, but to tell you the truth, I love this city, Vancouver, and I really felt strongly the calling to come here...

The Peacock 1140

 "Did you meet her in Australia", says Francois.

"Yes.  In the church actually.  There is a bit of a story.  Remember that hostel where I was living for a while,  in Melbourne?  and that's also where I happened to know your friend Sarah.  Well, Angela, who lived and worked there was involved in a mission church, they were Pentecostals.  Hannah was in recovery from a nasty addiction and was also recently minted, as we used to say about new converts to the faith.  She took a huge interest in me.  One thing led to another and within six months or so we were tying the knot.  It turned out not to be the greatest idea.  We were really quite incompatible, and I wasn't able to really be for her the kind of husband she was wanting.  We were soon fighting and arguing.  About almost everything.  Then, one morning I woke up.  She was gone. She left a note, simply saying that I must not try to find her.  That same morning I got a phone call from Angela, who only told me to meet her right away at the hostel..."

The Peacock 1139

 How old is your daughter?" say I.

"Just three.  I never had a chance to meet her."

"What happened?" says Francois.

"As I said, it is a long story.  I didn't even know that Hannah was pregnant when she left me.  Then someone in the parish informed me of this position for a street worker in the interchurch Network, and thought I should apply for it.  And of course, I did want to get away, make a fresh start, as they say. and here, I feel I have found my place, and where God wants me.  But my mother's partner died recently, from covid, and she is suffering from stage four cancer and may not be around much longer, and I am still waiting for flight restrictions to relax, but might make a try anyway to get back and spend time with her before she goes.  Plus, I have been in touch with Hannah, and she badly wants me to know our daughter.  Reconciliation is out of the question, since I was never cut out to be a husband or a partner, but we can at least give each other closure...

The Peacock 1138

 "Are you a libertarian?"

"I believe profoundly in the right to personal agency of every single human being on the planet."

"I don't suppose", say I, "Then that it would matter much to you that Carl's mother is in hospital, in intensive care with covid, or that Francois' mother now has it?"

"How old are they?"

"That shouldn't make not one iota of difference", sputters Francois.  "They are human beings, and as well as having personal agency as you call it, they have also been victimized by other idiots' use of their damn personal agency."

"I am really sorry to her that", says Chuck patiently.

We are quietly sipping our beverages, not daring to speak or look at each other.  Then Francois says, "Christopher mentioned that you are involved in street ministry here.  and yes, you also mentioned it", he says self-consciously.

"That is correct", says Chuck, in this determinedly cheerful manner that I never saw in him twenty-five years ago.

"How long have you been doing this" say I.

"Just over two years.  I came here from Melbourne to fill the position."

"And your wife and kid", says Francois.

"That is a long story..."

The Peacock 1137

 But I'm not feeling quite ready to give it up.  I am suddenly feeling ornery, like a capricious dog with a stick in his mouth, just daring anyone to try to take it.  "are you scared of needles?" say I to Chuck.

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Then what have you got against vaccinations?  How do you think they eradicated smallpox and polio, to name just two deadly diseases almost wiped off the map thanks to vaccinations."

"That was a different time, before the government got its hands into our very bloodstreams."

"And now you are being ridiculous", says Francois, clearly wanting to match my orneriness.

"I beg your pardon."

"And irrational.  What is your real problem?"

Chuck pauses, as though trying to collect his thoughts, but then seems to be discovering something as for the very first time.  "You know what it is" he says.  Then pauses, draws a deep breath as though preparing to jump off the high diving board.  "You know what it is.  It's that I do not want government, nor church, nor anybody telling me what to or what not to do, nor what to put into my body or not put into my body.  not now.  Not ever...

The Peacock 1136

"How is your mom's partner?" I ask, hoping to completely change the subject.

"He has tested positive but is asymptomatic.  They haven't figured out who got it first or who infected whom.  She's saying they're both to blame, since like a lot of Montrealers they were being cavalier about not wearing masks in public."

"Masks should be an individual choice", says Chuck.

"And so should making everyone sick", quips François, "We all have the right to infect others, including the elderly, the frail, the immunocompromised..."

"All it is is a kind of flu."

Say I  "I think you should pay attention to what Francois is trying to say.  Our healthcare system has never been so overwhelmed and now it is at breaking point.  This has never happened because of the flu"

"The healthcare system here is overextended because it is underfunded.  The exact same thing is happening in Australia."

"Do you think we might talk about something else?" says Francois.

"Maybe the weather?" say I.

"Well, I don't think we are about to change each other's minds", says Chuck, "And I for one do want us to have an enjoyable visit..."