1105

 "What are your plans once you are out of quarantine?"   

"I will have to look for work, since I do want to support myself.  Can I stay with you for a little while?"

"Erik, you may stay with me for a long while.  For as long as you want, provided you don't mind sharing space with the others, and I am sure they are going to welcome you."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously.  you and I are still family.  Remember?"

"Yes.  I remember.  Staying with you after Greta had gone to Sweden, I didn't want to go back, but Mom had already died and I was needed back in Sweden.  But I always wanted to return, to stay with you again."I

"As long as you are here with us you will be safe from them."

"They have a lot of power."

"So do we."

"Sven, he is not like us.  He is not human."

"Why do you say that?"

"Do you know how old he is?"

"From Kenny's diary, I would say that now he would be at least sixty."

"He does not look a year over thirty, and not just his face.  His body, his skin, his hair, his hands, his voice, his strength, his resilience."

"He is also fragile, mentally, I mean.  He was hospitalized here."

"And also in Sweden.  The guy is clearly a nut case."

"Just like your ex-brother-in-law."

"Sorry, man.  I didn't mean to sound crass."

"No offence taken.  Listen, I hear Carl calling me.  They want me to watch Star Trek with them."

"Phone me in the morning?"

"I will."

"Beam me up, Scotty!"

The Peacock 1104

 "Wait a minute", say I, for I have suddenly recaptured one certain incriminating detail and I must share it with my ex brother-in-law, "Didn't you tell me that Greta was married to a Turkish guy named Mehmet?  And they have a son?"

"That is also true."

"Well then, how can it be both, unless she is a bigamist."

"She is married legally to Mehmet, but he lives in a different apartment with their son."

"Then what exactly is Lindstrom doing in the picture?"

"I can't explain."

"What do you mean, you can't explain."."

"It's because I don't know.  They never tell me anything, and I was also forced by both, under pain of consequences, that I never disclose to anyone about Lindstrom's presence in my sister's life.  Especially you."

"Have they threatened you?"

"Yes."

"In what way?"

"They were going to have me abducted and sent to an uncharted island somewhere.  And they weren't joking.  Those two have connections.  Big connections, and I am quite terrified of them."

"Why did they want to drive you to the airport?"

"I had been eavesdropping the last couple of days on some of their conversations, and they seemed to be in the process of making contacts to get me to some other place."

"That island?"

"I don't know.  But Greta was complaining to Swen that I was not cooperating, and that was when they started devising a plan.  They were talking in their bedroom, and I had hid myself in the bathroom next door with the express purpose of eavesdropping.  I was afraid of being found out, so I quietly snuck out of the apartment and went for a walk.  i suppose this all sounds kind of crazy to you."

"Not in the least, Erik...not in the least..."

The Peacock 1103

 I do prefer talking to Erik in the privacy of my father's bedroom.  I still don't feel the need to close the door, but I want some sense of apartness right now.  Erik occupies a part of my life and my past that I am not quite ready to share, perhaps never will share, but here he is looking at me through the screen, appearing pale and tired, and certainly less than delighted.  

"Greta and Swen both wanted to drive me to the airport.  I didn't want them to, so I went by Uber instead."

"What did they say?"

"Nothing.  But that is also what I told them.  Nothing."

"You left them hanging?"

"I suppose that could be said."

"Have they tried to contact you?"

"You must be joking.  They would never follow up with me.  Instead, they are going to plot something."

"Plot something?"

"That's the way those two operate.  They are not going to that willingly let me escape from their control or influence.  They will think of something.  They always do."

"From what I've heard of Lindstrom he is both determined and resourceful."

"They both are.  But here, for a while, I have some breathing space.  And the quarantine might be just the blessing in disguise to really keep me away from them...

The Peacock 1102

 "Bad news?" wonders Carl.

"It's from Erik.  He says, "Slept all day because there's nothing else to do in this fucking hotel room.  Thanks for the books, I'm already reading one of them.  Got time to talk tonight?"

I text his number.  "Hi Christopher," he says.

"Hey.  Good morning."

"It's already morning in Sweden.  Bloody jet lag.  Where are you right now?"

"Sitting at a table outside Blenz on the campus with Francois and Carl."

"What are you having?"

"Lattes with Nanaimo bars.  All three of us."

"How original.  I'm envious.  I remember those Nanaimo bars.  They were so exquisite."

"Haven't you tried any of the chocolate I bought for you?"

"You bought me chocolate?"

"Didn't front desk send you up the bag I brought you?"

"Wait, just a sec...Yeah here it is, right next to me on the bed...Lindt!  And orange chocolate!  My faves!  how can I thank you!"

"You just did.  Can I call you back in half an hour when we get home?"

"I'm not going anywhere..."

1101

 "But that is exactly what you are doing right now.  By coming out here with us, Carl, and by purchasing that house today", say I.  "how are you feeling since leaving there Sunday with us?"

"Two hundred percent better."

"And you still don't think you can break away?"

"I've broken away."

"Just as I am doing from the holy mother church", says Francois. "Carl, don't feel guilty.  Enjoy this."

"But my sister..."

"She is an adult" say I.

"But not entirely."

"You mean to say her Asperger's", says Francois.

"I mean to say we've always been together."

"And you feel like you are abandoning her?"

"That would be impossible!" says Carl with poorly contained emotion.

"I think this is a conversation that you need to have with Melissa", say I, and now I am receiving a text.from Erik...

The Peacock 1100

 "Couldn't she just buy you out?  You are each part owners, aren't you?"

"It isn't that easy."

"She doesn't want to?" say I.

"Probably not.  But it is also a stipulation in my father's will.  That Melissa and I are to live there in perpetuity."

"And if you just get up and leave?" says Francois.

"We are still tied to the place.  He meant to keep on controlling us from the grave."

"But what if you were to just forget about it and put the place up for sale and get on with your lives."

"That is what I intend to do.  But I don't know if I can pull it off."

"But what is stopping you?" say I.

"My mother.  I am not going to know what to do, not until she is out of hospital.  If I can just give the whole place over to her, that would also set me free.  Or somewhat."

"You couldn't just walk away?" says Francois.

"That is exactly what I am afraid of doing..."

  

1099

 "Like", says Francois,"The house was never there."

"Exactly", says Carl, his voice suddenly charged with emotion.

"There is something unreal about that place", say I.

"Yes", concurs Francois, "Like it's built of fairy dust.  And nothing else."

"Like it's an illusion."

"I only wish", says Carl.  " I don't know if my mother can really take charge of the place.  "And until or if she's recovered from covid, I think all bets are off."

"Why don't you put it up for sale", say I.

"Melissa would never stand for it."

"Have you asked her?" says Francois.

Carl puts down his fork, letting it nestle against his half-eaten Nanaimo bar.

"I could never ask her something like that."

"Why?" says Francois.

"I'm afraid to."  And now Carl does look truly terrified of something...

The Peacock1098

 "I guess all bets are off.  But, what is the plan?"

"Your guess would be as good as mine", says Carl.

"Why did you buy that house?  Do you plan on living there?"

"I did it for the community, because a number of them are about to transition away from the mansion.  and, you could say that I am operating on a hunch."

""A hunch", says Francois.

"Or, an intuition, a discernment. I have been having this recurring dream about the mansion, and it isn't reassuring."

"Now it's your turn to disclose", say I.

"Okay", says Carl.  "This began the night before we left the mansion Sunday morning.  Simply, that I was driving back from Vancouver, and when I arrived there was nothing there.  Nothing.  just a wide open green space.  I have been having that dream every night."  

The Peacock 1097

"Any word from your bosses", says  Carl.

"I've been laid off"

"Since when?"

"since yesterday."

"And you haven't told us."

"I'm telling you now."

"So, thanks for telling already."

"Sorry.  I think I was needing time to digest the news before I could tell you guys."

"I understand", says Francois, and yes, he does understand, unlike Carl who must have every single detail clear and transparent as  virgin mountain spring water.

"What happened?" says Carl.

"I got an email from my supervisor, Laura, yesterday in the van while we were driving out to New West.  She explained that the pandemic has made operating the hospice unsafe, and they would be closed for at least a year if not longer."

"So, now what are you going to do?"

"Cerb benefits last until October, then I should still be good for employment insurance benefits.  Or I could sell the condo and pull in a few hundred grand of equity."

"And", says Carl, "You might also sell the house for a few extra million and we can all live in New West together..."

The Peacock 1096

 "Why do they call them Nanaimo bars?" says Carl.

"They're made in Nanaimo?" I reply.

Francois pulls out his phone.  "Nanaimo bar.  Origin..  Listen:

It was first deemed the Nanaimo bar by Vancouver Sun columnist Edith Adams in 1953 when she wrote that the dessert came from Nanaimo. This is important to note, Newman says, because other places such as Mississauga and England have tried to claim it as their own.

"It stands to reason", says Carl.  "England already has the queen, and Mississauga has Pearson International, the airport closest to experiencing hell without having to die first."

"I used to enjoy Nanaimo bars", say I, but I went off them for a while."

"Too sweet?" says Francois.

"No, because the beer was cheaper in Parksville."

"Parksville?" 

"A town just a few miles north of Nanaimo."

"Oh, yes, I get it now", says Francois, not quite smiling.  "Nanaimo BARS."

At least Carl is laughing...

The Peacock 1095

 "Point taken", say I.

"So, what happened?" says Francois.

"After we confirmed the house sale with Wee Willie Wang in New West, we stopped at the apartment for a coffee.  Then, on our way to the parkade we saw some street homeless people on the sidewalk and this guy coming out of the Mcdonald's with a couple of bags of food for them.  He knew me and said hi and explained that he is with a Christian street ministry."

"What's it like, seeing him again?" says Francois.

"A bit nerve wracking", say I.

We have arrived at the university village of small shops and Carl says suddenly, "I have a hankering for a Nanaimo bar.  How about you guys?"

We concur, and I hold sentry duty seated at one of the tables outside of Blenz while my friends go in to get our desserts and lattes...

The Peacock 1094

 It's overcast and there is no promise that we can see the sunset.  But it is pleasantly cool this evening.  The other houses in this neighbourhood are bigger, more elegant and more imposing, and Dad would sometimes remind us both that we must be grateful that we can live in this beautiful neighbourhood.  I think he was battling with his own incipient chateau envy.  Some houses have been replaced by tacky mcMansions, or monster homes and they are concrete behemoths housing for the most part wealthy Chinese immigrants.  I don't think they have done much to integrate into the neighbourhood, but to be fair, on these streets, all the householders have generally tended to keep to themselves.  Dad always tried to fight this, with little response.  We have always felt like strangers in a strange land.

"We met an old flame of Christopher's" says Carl to Francois.

"Where?"

"Downtown.  He is now a Christian minister and takes care of the local homeless.  He gave Chris his card.  Gonna call him, Chris?"

"What should I do, invite him for dinner?"

"For starts, sure", says Francois.  "How did you meet him?"

"At Wreck Beach, almost a quarter century ago."

"He means how did we meet him today, smartass!"

"He was feeding a group of homeless people with a bunch of food he bought them at Mcdonald's."

"If you could call that food", says Francois, "Or kindness."

1093

 "And you said he was inappropriate with you?" say I.

"That would be a very kind way of saying it."

"Is there a story there?" says Carl.

Francois puts his fork down and stares a challenge at Carl.  "Aren't we a bit early?  You're still writing about Amanda."

Carl pauses, faltering, swallows his food and says, "Sorry."

"Carl", says François, in a conciliatory kind of voice.  "Please give me a couple of weeks to sort it all out in my head first.  I can take some notes, and maybe by month's end we can begin our collaboration?"

"That sounds fair enough."

"You guys want to watch Star Trek after dinner?" say I.

"I thought it would be nice if we could first take a walk in the neighbourhood, us three, and maybe you could tell me more about your day", says Francois.

"Deal", replies Carl...

The Peacock 1092

 Dinner is a combination chili and stirfry concocted by Carl.  I just emerged from a delicious nap in the sanctuary of my father's bedroom, and apparently, Francois also retired to his quarters leaving Carl free rein in the kitchen.  His creation is delicious.  No one seems to have a lot to say as we quietly fill our mouths.

"What was that nickname you had for the Abbot?" says Carl.

"Polonius."

"That is rather curious." say I.

"Polonius Monk?" says Carl, smiling.

"That too", says Francois.

As I produce my phone to do a quick search, Carl says, "no phones at the table.  Or are you alone allowed to break your own rules"

"Sorry", say I, I just thought this would be interesting to the conversation.  Polonius, Wikipedia.

Polonius is a character in William Shakespeare's play Hamlet. He is chief counsellor of the play's ultimate villain, Claudius, and the father of Laertes and Ophelia. Generally regarded as wrong in every judgment he makes over the course of the play,^[1] Polonius is described by William Hazlitt as a "sincere" father, but also "a busy-body, [who] is accordingly officious, garrulous, and impertinent".^[2] In Act II, Hamlet refers to Polonius as a "tedious old fool"^[3] and taunts him as a latter day "Jephtha".^[4]

Polonius connives with Claudius to spy on Hamlet. Hamlet unknowingly kills Polonius, provoking Ophelia's descent into madness, ultimately resulting in her (probable) suicide and the climax of the play: a duel between Laertes and Hamlet.

"Yep", says Francois.  That's him alright."

The Peacock 1091

 They wouldn't let me see her today, but her condition has been upgraded to stable, so there is light at the end of the tunnel."

"How about her friends."

"No word.  I'm going to try to see them all tomorrow if I can."

"And you bought that Victorian mansion?"

"From Wee Willie Wang."

"I'm sure that isn't his real name", says François, maintaining a very convincing poker face.

"well, you know what they say about Asian men", say I, and I suddenly regret dignifying this with commentary.

"What do they say about Asian men?" says Francois with Spock like innocence.

Says Carl, "Exactly the opposite to what they say about black men."

And now I see Francois become noticeably uncomfortable.  "Let's keep this appropriate for audiences of all ages", he says.

Then suddenly Carl says.  "Hey you know the story of Hiawatha and his woman Minnehaha."

"I don't know.  Should I?" says Francois.

The first time she saw Hiawatha naked, just after he took off his clothes he said to her, "By the way, what's your name again?  And she started to laugh, and pointing to him says, "Mini...ha-ha!"

"No dessert for you tonight, Carl", say I compulsively grinning at his little quip, and francois, silent and taciturn, returns to his laptop.

The Peacock 1090

 Francois stares at us blankly, then with an anguished face says, "Carl, please forgive me."

"For what."

"For being so wrapped up in myself and my own small issues that I didn't even give you a moment to say what kind of day you had, especially with your mother and her friends suddenly in hospital.  How are they?"

"I wouldn't worry about it, Francois", he says.  "What's happening to you is also pretty significant.  I mean you have just lost both your job and your church."

"It isn't that bad.  I am trying to be rational about everything."

"You are very good at that", say I.

"It's almost like living with Spock", says Carl, grinning.

"Spock?" says Francois.  "Who is that?"

"Oh, never mind!"

"He's the Vulcan character on Star Trek", say I.  "All reason and logic.  But doesn't feel emotions."

"I think I've heard of him."

"You've never watched Star Trek?" say I.

"Heard of it."

"Okay, says Carl, "After dinner we are all going to see an episode or two."

"How are they?" says Francois, "Your mother and her friends..."

The Peacock 1089

 "I don't suppose she imagined that a lot of said virtuous college kids' were already tanning their toned little butts down in the gay section", says Carl. "And likely doing other stuff as well while in the neighbourhood."

"Bernice, Dad, that whole class of ministers all had one thing in common.  Their tunnel vision.  Pro-life, or anti-choice, anti-queer, anyone with a same sex attraction was at best considered broken or damaged and at worst, a prime candidate for the Lake of Fire, and they were anti-women, and women were expected to shut up and submit to their husbands and simply be exemplary mothers and homemakers, children were to have the Ten Commandments beaten into them, every morning by mother, then again every night by father, and they were anti-labour, anti-environment.  And they hated any free self-expression.  They were a complete embarrassment."

"Your father was that bad?" says Frank.

"He was an Anglican.  He felt theologically compatible with those people, but never really spoke about their embarrassing right wing dogmas.  But he also found them, Bernice anyway, to be pretty extreme and rather embarrassing."

""I remember reading about her when she was on City Council and how she really had it in for gay people.  She must have been a dyke", says Carl.

"Point taken", says Francois.  "Anyway, what did you guys get up to today?"

"My mom and her friends are in hospital with severe covid and I bought that house in New West..."

The Peacock 1088

 "Well, Bernice was sort of a personal friend of my dad's, or let's say she took rather a maternal interest in his life for a while. As well as being a Pentecostal minister and missionary, she had been elected to Vancouver City Council, which she used as a platform for her group of righteous fundamentalists, called Citizens For Integrity.  I only met her a few times when I was a kid, since she was trying to be particularly supportive just after my mother's death, but she was nice and warm and and funny, almost like a great aunt, if not a grandmother.  And quite a voice.  She sounded like a veteran trucker but without the cuss words.  I really wonder now if she might have been a potential transman.  Or at least a diesel dike wearing a dress, since Bernice, as a good Christian  woman of her era, eschewed pants or trousers,. So, anyway, Bernice did not want the wild naked party bunnies of Wreck beach to corrupt the morals of the young innocent university students.  I guess she didn't know or guess just how well they could do that kind of job with each other.  Anyway, dad only mentioned it to me once, I was thirteen so he must have thought I was old enough for the facts of life.  I still have the newspaper clippings stored in his office somewhere if you guys want to have a look..."

"How did you react when he told you?" says Carl.

"What else could I do!  I laughed."

The Peacock 1087

 Your dad went to Wreck Beach only once", says Carl, "And it became a media event?  Did he take off his clothes?"

"My father was never what we could call studly, if I may be so bold as to assess my own dad's sex appeal without coming off as a total creep about it.  But he did go there once as part of a protest."

"He was protesting the nudists?"

"They all were."

"All?" says Francois.   "How many were there?"

I think there were between ten and twenty.  They were carrying placards."

"And none of them were naked'" says Carl.

"You have a one-track mind.  And anyway they were being led by a middle aged pentecostal preacher named Bernice Gerard, and I can't imagine her getting naked not even to take a shower, nor would I want to!"

"So, what happened?" says Francois.

The Peacock 1086

 "How goes the job search?" say I.

"Meh.  Can't say I've been trying that hard.  I took off for a hike in the forest.  That is a beautiful place.  I made it as far as the beach."

"Wreck?" says Carl, grinning.

"I wasn't feeling that adventurous.  Maybe next week.  We can all go."

"Yeah, sure", say I.

"And we can all take off our clothes", says Carl.

"Bring lots of sunscreen if you  do", says Francois.  "But it might be worthwhile exploring the area from start to finish."

"That's a lot of ground to cover." say I.

"And Francois will keep us out of mischief." says Carl.

"You bet I will."

"Did I tell you guys about my father's one and only visit to Wreck Beach", say I

"Now you can", says Carl.

"I was just a baby then, but later he told me all about.  And he showed me the newspaper clippings"

"He showed you what!" says Francois....

The Peacock 1085

 Francois leans back on the sofa, his eyes tightly shut and lets the phone fall from his hand onto the keyboard of his laptop.  "Please, you guys, just give me a minute."

Carl and I each remain frozen in our armchairs, unable to say anything at all.  Sheeba the cat comes in and advances straight towards Francois, and sits down on the floor in front of him, letting out a gentle meow.  he reaches down and strokes her on the head gently.

"That was the Abbott?" says Carl.

"That was the Abbot."

"Then it's all done."

"Now I can move forward."

"He used to call you the little black boy?" say I with a sense of revulsion.

"I consistently refused the old pig's advances while I was a seminary student.  That was his way of getting even. Microaggressions."  He looks momentarily at his laptop screen, then says, "Carl.  When you're done writing your article about Amanda, I'm going to be next.  Got it?"

"Agreed..."

The Peacock 1084

 "You will understand, Father Augustine, that I have already refused to meet with you people, but I thought that a little farewell chat just between the two of us would provide us with all the closure that we need."

"Do continue."

"It is about this matter of my chat two years ago, when I was just a freshly minted cleric, with a certain Rwandan gentleman at the abbey."

"He came to you for confession and absolution, it is understood..which you refused to him."

"I can explain."

"There is nothing to be explained, Father Francois.  The seal of the confessional."

"And I have already broken the seal."

"You what?  Listen, you cannot under any circumstances divulge to me anything that was said in the confessional  Do you understand.  You know the consequences."

"It is too late for that, Father Augustine  Right now I have you on speakerphone and my two friends here have already heard everything, and don't interrupt, I am not finished yet..." and here Francois voice begins to rise in an angry cadence, "That monster is a Hutu, and it turns out that he murdered my father, a Tutsi, during the genocide in 1994, and that he had the colossal gall to come for absolution, not for murdering my father or anyone else but for setting fire to the church they were all butchered and burned to death in and I told him to get out and that if he ever showed his face again that I would kill him myself, so there you have it father Viper, I have broken the seal of the confessional and I am automatically excommunicated from Holy Mother Church, and boy does it feel good.  Father viper, I have never felt so good in my life and now I can say to all of you and your pack of lying cowardly pedophiles, go fuck yourselves and may you all burn forever in the lake of fire!"

"Father Francois", he protests feebly...

"Goodbye!"

The Peacock 1083

 Francois is in his usual place, stretched out on the couch, his laptop on his lap and his hand just reaching for his phone when we come in.

"Oh, hello, you guys, your timing is as always, just impeccable", he says with a very forced, almost manic smile.

"What---" say I but am interrupted by a dismissal wave of his hand.  

"Sit down and listen, because I need witnesses."

He marks out some numbers on his phone, and by the loud ringing we can tell he is on speaker phone. "Hello, Father Polonius", he says, his voice tinged with sarcastic laughter.

"Excuse me, that is not my correct name", enunciates an indignant mature male voice, "And whom am I talking to""

"Francois."

"Francois?"

"Bernard..."

"Do we know each other?"

"Father Francois Bernard.  Remember me?  The little Black Boy..as you used to call me."

"Oh..yes...Father Francois.  And what can I do to help you", he says impatiently, and it is already nakedly clear that there is no way that this conversation is going to end well...

The Peacock1082

 "Is that the guy that followed you from Wreck Beach?" says Carl as we walk into the parkade.

"Yes", I reply, still rather stupid from the shock of this encounter.  I am still holding between the thumb and index and middle fingers of my right hand his business card.

"Are you going to be okay", he says as I open the passenger door and heave myself onto the seat.

"I would imagine so."

Carl starts the engine and backs out of the parking space.  "I can see that would be quite a jolt for you."

"And now he's in Christian ministry.  In the area.  He might know your cousin."

"Cynthia?  Yes, you could be right."  As we are taking Pender Street west to Burrard, he adds, "I trust you'll be calling him."

"I suppose it would be the least I could do."

"Chris.  Call him.  Soon."

"Tomorrow."

"Yes.  Tomorrow.  Call Chuck tomorrow."

The Peacock 1081

 "Christopher...Do you remember me?"

I cannot move, I am motionless, stupid and stunned.  Yes, there is no mistaking.  The same force of presence, and I am paralyzed.  Stronger than before.  There has been a change. And not just because he is older.  I force a weak smile, "hi Chuck.  How are you", and my response falls flat and insincere, like the politely minced words of an Anglican old crone politely greeting the rector at the annual parish garden party.

"How've you been!" he effuses, then Carl takes his cue and comes to my rescue.

"I'm Carl", and they shake hands.  "And you would be..."

"Chuck.  Grayston.  I work for interchurch ministries here in the DTES", and he gives me his card.

"I think we have a lot of catching up to do", say I.  "how long has it been, almost twenty-five years?"

"You are looking wondrously young, Christopher", he says.

"Thanks."

"Well, I have to be off, back to the office and then I will be running the needle exchange for a couple of hours."

"You have to tell us more of what you are doing", says Carl.

"Yes, please get in touch.  Christopher, it is so great to see you, and nice to meet you, Carl", he effuses some more before walking off towards Chinatown...

The Peacock 1080

 There are three homeless men and one woman crowded together on the sidewalk, seated just next to the entrance to a McDonald's.  One of the men, who appears to be the youngest, is swaying back and forth while seated, his eyes tightly shut, and I can scarcely imagine what drugs he is on.  Carl wanders off ahead as I stop to observe, not knowing what to do, but somehow knowing that I have to see this.  Then, a man, possibly in his fifties or early sixties, comes out of the Mcdonalds, carrying a large paper bag.  He gives it to the woman and I hear him say something, "Here is all the food you ordered.  I hope it's enough"  and I recognize the voice and the Australian accent as Chuck wanders off in the opposite direction.  He appears well, dressed in beige slacks and green T shirt.  I stand paralyzed, wishing I could call out to him and knowing I cannot.  But he appears to have noted my presence, and as I sense Carl returning to check in on me, Chuck rapidly approaches us, a wide smile illuminating his aging face...

1079

 Carl is drinking his coffee underneath Greta's purple tulip.  It is a beautiful painting, but I still want to get rid of it.  I still haven't figured out why.  We are not quite ready to return to the house.  I have telephoned Francois and he is completely wrapped up right now in his job search.

"How long do you think she'll be in hospital?"" sys Carl.

"It could be three or four weeks.  Maybe longer.  It's hard to say.  She hasn't been vaccinated and I imagine the same of her friends."

"I'm going to see if Melissa can come out to see her."

"She could stay here in the apartment if the house is too crowded for her.  But there is still plenty of room for her."

"I'd want her at the house with us.  But I don't know how easy it would be to tear her from the mansion.  She seems to have become habituated to living there over the years."

"Plus, she seems to feel committed to the wellbeing of the others."

"My sister has always been super responsible.  She is just amazing."

"Are we ready to head home?"

"I imagine we should be", says Carl, carrying both our dirty cups to the kitchen sink...

The Peacock 1078

 The drive home has been quiet, without a lot of conversation.  I have come across an interesting bird article about Arctic terns and their migratory patterns and the impact of global warming and climate change and Carl appears to enjoy the distraction as I am reading it to him.  We both have some things to digest, and already I feel again the joy returning to me that was released for me yesterday in my experience of the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  I am suddenly hearing in my head the eternal words of the medieval woman mystic, Julian of Norwich, "All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well", so now I am doing a search on my phone.

Here's what she said. "He said, Thou shalt not be tempested, thou shalt not be travailed, thou shalt not be distressed; but He said: Thou shalt not be overcome." And "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

"Thank you so much, Christopher", says Carl from the steering wheel, and I can tell that he is struggling not to weep.

The Peacock 1077

 "You just did what!" hollers Melissa over speakerphone.  She called her brother just as we were getting up to leave.  Now we are waiting here at the table in Starbucks, held hostage to the wrath of my friend's indignant little sister.

"I said", says Carl calmly, "That I just bought us a vintage Victorian era mansion in New Westminster."

"Does Mom know about this?"

"Mother is in hospital."

"With covid?"

"Yes, with covid."

"How is she?"

"They won't let her have visitors today, but said she's just been upgraded to stable, but will be on a respirator for a while."

"Why didn't you phone me?"

"Sorry Mel.  We got super busy.  I am going to try to see her tomorrow."

"What about John and Frida?"

"They've also been hospitalized."

"why did you buy that house, without telling me?"

"I did it with my money.  Why should I tell you?"

"But what are you going to do with it?  Are you going to live there?"

"I don't know, but I do know that Lazarus, Jason, Michael, his mom and others, are all getting anxious to leave the mansion.  This will provide them with housing in a safe place away from the demonic insanity of that house, and they can still be together, and that includes you too, little sister..."

The Peacock 1076

 

"Do you think we were too hard on him?" says Carl.  We are intentionally tarrying so that we don't have to walk back with Wee Willy Wang.

"Nah.  People like him need to be handled rough."

"Agreed."

"Greed is right."

"What is it about all those greedy Chinese coming here?"

"They're not all like that."

"I guess it's easy to categorize.  I think it's more from mental laziness than racism."

"Perhaps both."

"You could be right."after gulping down the rest of his americano Carl says, "What if he refuses to sell us the house?"

"How are your credit  and references."

"About the best anyone could be offered.  And of course there can be no question about assets."

"Then if I were you I wouldn't worry my pretty little head.  That guy is interested in one thing and in one thing only, and you have lots of it."

"Too true", says Carl, sighing very deeply.  "Way...too...true..."

"

The Peacock 1075

 "It is very lucrative", says Will.  "Just doing this part time, while staying with my aunt, I should still be able to put myself through university."

"Do you ever give a thought to those who can no longer afford to buy or even rent a home here because the housing market has become so lucrative?" says Carl.

"They can live in other parts of Canada.  Vancouver and its municipalities really ought to be for those who have the money."

"You really actually believe that?" say I.

"It's helping me with my university education."

"And that's all that matters to you?"

"It's dog eat dog world.  You fight to survive."

"And of course it helps having wealthy relatives to help cover your little backside", quips Carl, handing him the now completed paperwork.  "And I should know a thing or two about that being myself a child of wealth."

Wee Willie Wang does not deign to dignify this with a reply.  "I will see that you are advised of the results of our credit checks and references", is all he says, as he gets up and leaves.  "A real pleasure doing business with you.  I shall be in touch in a few days", and off he slinks out through the door...

The Peacock 1074

 "What was your father's line of work?" say I

"He was CFO of a network of internet providers.  Then he got into crypto currency, was found out by the authorities for doing some things that were not considered legal and from there..."

The young man seems awkward and uncomfortable and this clearly must be embarrassing to him.

"I heard about it on the BBC", says Carl.  It was just over a year ago?"

"Yes,."

And now I really feel it is time to rescue the young man from Carl's obvious lack of tact.  "Do you plan on recontinuing your university studies?"

"I am studying some courses online.  I was going to major in business management, but I find psychology much more interesting.  I live with my aunt now, since I had to give up the apartment that my father had purchased for me, and she is kind enough not to charge me rent, so with my earnings in real estate I am still able to pay for some classes."

"What would you say about the current real estate market in Greater Vancouver?" says Carl, who still wants to push the boundaries.

the Peacock1073

 We are in a Starbucks, with limited seating due to the pandemic and we are drinking our americanos from paper cups.  As Carl goes over the papers and begins signing his name here and there I find myself engrossed in conversation with Will our real estate agent:

"You are probably the youngest real estate agent I have ever met", say I, "But I also have to admit that I have never known a lot of real estate agents in my life."

"Next month I turn twenty-two."

"Is there a story there?" says Carl without looking up from the papers he is signing.

"I got into the business thanks to my aunt who lives in Vancouver.  I myself moved here from Taiwan three years ago to begin university."

"What happened?" say I.

"I ran out of funds.  You see, my father is, or was, very wealthy.  He is now under investigation and unfortunately all his assets have been seized or frozen and it looks like he might be facing prison time."

"What happened?"

"He has been indicted and convicted for committing fraud."

"And so your funding for school got dried up."

"Exactly..."

The Peacock1072

 "You may call me Will", he says.  His English is lightly accented and I am curious about him.  How long has he lived here?  Is he from China, Hong Kong or Taiwan, which would be three rather distinct entities.  How did he get into the real estate biz, especially given that he couldn't be older than...twenty-two?  We have just had another tour of the house, and really, it didn't seem as bad this time.  In fact, but for a few minor repairs and some paint, it could be inhabited right away.  And it turns out there are twelve bedrooms, not ten, or at least twelve rooms that could serve as bedrooms.  Carl appears to be driven by some kind of exterior force, as though he is under divine mandate concerning this house.  But he is acting very decisively here.  We have agreed to do the paperwork in a café nearby, walking distance, which is fine because I really want to move my legs right now...

The Peacock 1071

 I have never known any multimillionaires in my life, much less have one for a friend, even less as a best friend, though given that we have known each other a bit more than a week, maybe that would be stretching it.  But Carl and I both seem to be in it for the long term.  One might almost think that we are becoming more than friends, but here it is very hard to say, plus, Francois is something of a wild card.  My friendship clearly is with both, but Carl and I seem particularly fused to each other.  We are turning now into Queen's park, just  a couple of blocks from the house.  I really can't imagine why he'd want to buy this place.  We have just turned a corner passing a couple of particularly sumptuous Queen Anne Specials, and there is Wee Willie Wang waiting for us on the front lawn....

The Peacock 1070

 "We would need the whole day, and we would probably miss the one o'clock ferry anyway."

"We could stay overnight at the Empress then have high tea there tomorrow afternoon.  "Let's go."

"No."

"Why not."

"Lots of reasons", say I while savouring a  mouthful of pancake and syrup, "One, you are upset and in shock about your mom and should be taking it easy right now, two, I don't have a change of socks and underwear with me, neither do you, and we don't want to attend high tea feeling gross, and three, it would be unfair to Francois who would likely feel abandoned."

"Correct on all points as always, brother Christopher", he says with a slight moan.  His phone is ringing and he picks it up.

"Hello?...  yes, fine thanks....yes, I am...when?...today...I don't see why not...We're in Richmond right now, we can get there in an hour...okay...Thanks."

To me, he says, "That was Wee Willie Wang, the real estate agent.  He wants us to come see him today at the house again and then sign some papers."

"You're buying it?"

"I am buying it, Chris", he says, reaching for his credit card and signalling for the waitress...

The Peacock 1069

 The Pancakes are delicious, whole grain with nuts and smothered, in my case in boysenberry syrup and Carl is having his drowned in maple.  Lunch fit for a diabetic coma, and despite the upset of his mother being almost gravely ill and in hospital his appetite appears robust as ever.  In fact, he could easily compete with our friend Carol for prowess in recreational gluttony.  He hasn't said anything about his mother since leaving the hospital and I feel too discreet and compassionate to want to bring her up.  What remains open is how are we going to spend the rest of the day.  Carl wants to take us on a long tour drive of the entire Lower mainland of Greater Vancouver, and maybe stop somewhere that is quiet and in nature for a walk.  I couldn't agree more.  Then suddenly he says, his eyes lighting up like two candles in the dark, "Chris, I have a brilliant idea.  Let's go to Victoria..."

The Peacock 1068

 Astrid Maria Vancoevorden cannot receive visitors right now.  Her condition has been upgraded to stable but she is still on the ventilator and is in a medically induced coma, likely until sometime tomorrow, and Carl has been asked to try again on Friday, which is two days away.  Everyone, us included, is wearing at least one medical msk, in our cases two, because the covid security didn't deem as aceptable the washable cloth masks we came in wearing.  On my suggestion we are going into Richmond Centre for lunch, and it is only a ten minute walk, so I have persuaded Carl to leave his van in the hotel parking lot for now.  having taken off our masks, we appear to be the only two people walking around outside bareface, as though we are two rebel kids trying to make a point.  And of course, it is difficult if not impossible to get covid outside, but everyone seems to be hobbled by fear.   I know from personal experience how beneficial walking can be when we are feeling sidelined by grief.  Naturally it would be nice to have more attractive surroundings.  I really do agree with him.  Who would ever want to live in Richmond?

The Peacock 1067

 The hotel clerk is a young woman, Filipina I think, small slim and wearing a perpetual smile.  She can only be likable, probably has always been likable and I feel instantly reassured that Erik, and Carl's mom are in good hands.  She graciously receives the bag of books and chocolate bars and art supplies, promising they will be delivered to him this very morning.  Now, I wait for Carl as he takes his turn.  The desk clerk's smile has faded, and he appears to be tarrying, to get information.  He looks terribly worried as he returns to where I am seated, the bag still in his hand.  He sits down next to me on the sofa and I know he needs help.

"What happened?"

"They're all in hospital.  They got very sick overnight and none of them can breathe unassisted."

"They're in hospital."

"Hooked up to ventilators."  He sighs deeply and says, "Welcome to Canada."

"Are they at Richmond General?

"Yes."

"It's just a five minute walk.  let's go..."

The Peacock 1066

 Three big lindt chocolate bars for Erik, his favourite, dark chocolate, white chocolate and chocolate with orange.  When he was living with Greta and me he would often bring these home as a treat to share with us.  I have also selected three bars, same flavours, for myself, and to try to overcome the temptation of greed and selfishness by sharing them with Carl and Francois when we get home.  For his mother Carl has selected a tin of Walkers shortbread.

"Why would anyone ever want to live here?" says Carl, on our way out of the store.

"Beats me."

"And I've never seen so many Asians in my life."

"A lot of people came over here from Hong kong during the handover in the nineties and shortly after.  There is a huge mall around here dedicated to Chinese stores, restaurants and goods."

"Just one?"

"Could be more."

"Why did they all move here?"

"A lot of them also picked Kerrisdale and South Van.  I really don't know why."  And now it is beginning to occur to me that my Dutch friend just might be a little bit racist after all.  Plus I have to suppress my instinct to call him out on it, because really, there is no way of knowing for sure, and under the current circumstances it would be like hitting a child..."

The Peacock 1065

 This last portion of our trip we have both become quiet. There is something about crossing the Oak Street Bridge that changes a conversation, or ends it, or begins a new one.  Richmond is so different from Vancouver, all flat, industrial, agricultural, residential but bland, grey, beige and desolate.  I am not even tempted to look at my phone but to stare out at the brown waters of the north arm of the Fraser River underneath.  Along Garden City Way things appear still a little bit green, but the open fields and pastures are already mostly eaten up by housing and condo developments, as though they are almost embarrassed that anyone would want to grow food on this, some of the world's most fertile soil.  This is a municipality that does not deserve to be called a city, and if  Richmond is a city, then it is a city without a soul.  

On Westminster Highway we approach the hotel parking lot and we are able to stop near the front entrance. 

 "There is a London Drugs nearby, less than a five minute walk", say I.  Maybe we could stop there to pick up some treats for our people."

"That sounds like a good idea..."

The Peacock 1064

 "Has this happened often?"

"About every couple of months or so.  Any time there was a crisis or she was under a lot of pressure that would be her way of venting."

"Has she ever seen a psychiatrist or any kind of counsellor?"

"Never in her life, or not as far as I know.  Wait, she and dad both had to have some sessions with a court appointed psychiatrist during the divorce proceedings, but neither of them appeared to take it very seriously.  It's hard for me to say because I was just thirteen at the time, and simply trying to cope the best way I could."

"What are you going to do with her once she's out of quarantine?"

"I think I will leave her in the capable hands of my sister."

"Shouldn't that be a lot for Melissa to have to take on?"

"I know I'm not being fair.  But here I am, the good son."

"I really am starting to wonder how and where Francois and I both fit in here."

"As am I.  Yes, Francois.  He appears to be the only adult in the room."

"aAnd he is younger than us both by far."

"That he is, dear Christopher, that he is..."

The Peacock 1063

 "That would have been September 12, 2001.  I remember because it was the day after the twin towers were destroyed by aircraft hijacked by Muslim terrorists in new york City.  The infamous nine-eleven.  I was just recently back from my summer here in the mansion and was just nineteen at the time.  I heard some kind of banging around happening downstairs, it woke me up, and I said it was around 2 am.  I went downstairs and there she was, cleaning the stove from top to bottom.  She said this was a symbolic form of praying for repentance and cleansing for the Islamic terrorists and for protection from a global conflagration.  In the meantime she was singing, hymns but also a lot in tongues.  Then she proceeded to the fridge, emptying out all the food and proceeding to wipe the shelves and interior clean, which she claimed was to pray for protection for the people of the United States and Europe, while praying in tongues, and that there be no disruption in global supplies of food.  Then Mel came down and almost screamed, "Mother, what do you think you're doing!  God already heard you the first time.  now come up to bed."

"What did your mom do then?"

"To my surprise, she obeyed Melissa, put her hand in hers, and silently and meekly let my sister lead her back up to bed, and to this day, my sister is the only person she will listen to.   I of course was left with the job of putting everything back in the fridge, and I rewarded myself with a huge snack of leftover chicken, scalloped potatoes and chocolate cake.  I feasted like a prince.  It was delicious"

The Peacock 1062

 "What would you say about your mom's mental health."

"Bat shit crazy."

"Seriously?

"Yeah, i'm afraid so.  I'm worried about all of us right now, Mel with her autism and me with my own issues of trauma, and now here is mumsy,  all ready  to make life even more interesting."

"You guys have been through a lot."

"All of us", says Carl. "That' s why God has thrown us together."

"Do you expect that she's going to stay?"

"With my mother you never know.  She is stubborn, iron willed and devious.  And super, super fragile.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if she winds up cracking in the next couple of days."

"Has she before?"

"Yes, I would say, though she's always hidden it well.  There were times in Switzerland she would become an obsessive cleaner, repeatedly scouring the sinks, and the floors and the counter, and I don't mean just after mealtimes but every quiet moment she got.  When we called her on it she said that for her it helped her centre for prayer."

"Obsessive compulsive disorder."

"We really got concerned when on several occasions, she woke us up in the middle of the night with her nocturnal cleaning rituals.  That was when I asked her about getting professional help.  Naturally she refused and said that she was being called to watchnight intercessory prayer, and that's why she was up scrubbing the kitchen clean at two in the morning...

The Peacock 1061

 "How is your mom?" say I.

"Coping stoically.  No histrionics in our last couple of video chats."

"You said she tested positive for covid?"

"She somehow got through Swiss and Canada Customs both.  I don't know how, that woman is a wizard at getting what she wants."

"Has she been vaccinated?"

"Refuses.  Says all vaccines are a satanistic plot. I couldn't even use polio or smallpox to sway her."

We are flanked on both sides by the blazing spring green of the new leaves of the forest and the young grass on the golf course.

"How is she holding up otherwise?"

"Not well, at all.  She was coughing a lot when she got off the plane and complaining of shortness of breath.  I think they are going to have to hospitalize her.  She did get irate when I mentioned that.  To her even all doctors are Satan's spawn.  She would rather rely on God through prayer for her healing and will have none of our common sense nonsense about medical practitioners as instruments of God's Grace.

"Has she always been like this?"

"Only in the last couple of years or so.  It's scary."

The Peacock 1060

 "That music is just heavenly", says Carl.  "Bach?"

"Handel's music for the Royal Fireworks." say I

"Good pick for breakfast music", says Francois.

"You know something else", say I.  "When I was rummaging through Dad's cd's I came across Rachmaninov's Third piano Concerto. "Guess who the pianist is?"

"Not Van Cliburn?" says Carl.

"Our own Carl Barlow-Mead."

"Why don't you play that instead?"

"That's evening music.  I'll play it after dinner." 

"Any word from her", says Francois.

"Mel says she's happy, eating like the dickens and playing lots of Mozart and Beethoven." says Carl.

"That woman really knows how to eat", say I.

"I have some news", says Carl.  "Mom and her friends arrived a couple of hours ago and now should be on their way to the hotel."

"Where are they staying?"

"Richmond Inn."

"That's where Erik is.  I'm going out there to deliver him some books and art materials after breakfast.  Would you like me to select some extra books for her from Dad's library?"

"Sure.  in fact, we could go out there together in the van.  Francois?"

"I have to look for a job."

"Fair enough", says Carl wistfully.  "Fair enough."

The Peacock 1059

 Breakfast is a bit of a free for all.  Carl was up first and left the Shreddies out, so now Francois and I are pouring ourselves each a bowl of Shreddies as we join Carl at the table.  I rather wanted boiled eggs this morning and Francois asked me to add a couple of extra in the pot for him.  Carl has prepared and cut fresh fruit for everyone and now he is rummaging in the fridge for cheese which he is now slicing onto a plate for everyone.  I have just put on one of Dad's classical cd's, Handel's music for the Royal Fireworks.  And Sheeba the cat has returned to haunt us, now taking her place in the empty chair next to me.

"We should invite Chelsea for breakfast some morning soon", says Francois.

"Agreed", say I.

"I want to ask her about Geraldine Bang-Bang", says Carl.

"Do you now?" says Francois, arching an eyebrow.

"I'm sure she would be only too delighted", I rejoin.  "Hey, no feeding the cat at the table", I bark at Carl as he slips her a slice of cheese.

"Yes master."

"And don't you forget it."

The Peacock 1058

 I am left all alone here in the living room.  They have both gone up to bed, and I still  just want to sit here.  I feel lonely now without my friends seated here with me.  I should be in bed getting to sleep but I simply cannot move, this recliner chair that Dad used to find refuge in every evening just won't let me go.  I could easily fall asleep here.  Francois has just ceded the bathroom upstairs to Carl, and they have wished each other a good night.  Noise travels fast in this house.  It will be very hard for anyone to keep secrets here.  Francois just said that he loves us, Carl and I.  I don't imagine he is coming from any place of gayness. I am persuaded that he is quite heterosexual.  Perhaps asexual like me, if my gaydar is reliable, and often it is not... It is hard to say.  We don't play games here  Fair enough.  But maybe a night of Scrabble or Monopoly?   We do have both and other board games here in the house.  Maybe tomorrow night.  Yes, now I am on my way, finally, to bed...

The Peacock 1067

 "You don't think you would have done anything else with him", say I.

"The thing is, I was not particularly turned on sexually.  But he was cute, beguiling, and wanted me, and of course being naked just made him all the more intriguing.  But, no, I know I would have just bored him to death about my magazine, or the political situation in Afghanistan, so that within thirty seconds, and no action forthcoming he would have yelled "Next", and gone off with the next contender.  Which is basically what happened anyway."

"So, what you're saying", says Francois, is your time in the sex trade has put you off sex...permanently?"

"Long term, anyway.  But you know, and I hope this doesn't gross you out, Francois, but I didn't even have an erection.  But he did.  And I really don't know what this dog would have done if he had caught the car he was running after.  Oops, pardon me, it was a parked car!"

"You guys", says Francois rolling his eyes.

"I understand that for you, Francois", say I, "being the straight male among us, that this could be a little awkward for you sometimes."

"I simply wish sometimes that you would both grow up a bit.  But that's not important.  What does matter, is you two are the first men I have ever really loved.   And you know something else?  After all the crap, the politics, the secrecy and manipulation and blackmail and mind control at the monastery, here I am with two Christians with whom there are no games.  You might one day realize what a gift both of you are to me..."

The Peacock 1056

 "And that's all?" say I.

"I  haven't left anything out this time", says Carl.

Says Francois, "You know Carl, you really make me think right now of a dog chasing after cars." 

"Parked cars", says Carl.

"So what would you possibly do if you actually caught one?"

"Not a fair question."

"What's unfair about it?"

"Okay, it's a waste of time.  Had I actually caught up with that guy at the beach today I probably would have talked his ear off about, I don't know, the pandemic, or whatever.  And no, he was not wearing a medical mask, or anything else..."

The Peacock 1055

 "He disappeared into one of the forest trails, and I followed him, but somehow lost him.  Then, I came down to an area with a bit of beach and a grove of trees, and there was my lover boy, getting sucked off by some blonde guy he must have just found.  He looked at me, grinned, and asked me to join them.  His paramour suddenly said, no, no threesomes, then resumed blowing him.  So, I retraced my steps, got dressed, and then tried to find my way up the trail.  Then I phoned you..."

1054

 "Is there anything we can do for you now", says Carl.

"Thanks", I reply.  "It's already done.  I think now I can begin to feel reconciled."

"How do you feel now."

"Okay.  Tired.  Drained.  How about you."

"Me?" says Carl., smiling sheepishly.  "Fine."

"So you survived your first visit to Wreck Beach?"

"Oh yes."

"And you've told us everything?"

Carl replies by fidgeting rather nervously.

"Spit it out, brother", says Francois, and I am relieved to hear him speak.

"Well, I didn't have sex with anyone."

"But you did take off your clothes", says Francois.

"And...?" say I.

"It was still pretty innocent.  This young guy, naked as I was, walked by, smiled and winked at me. And we kind of stared at each other, even as he walked past, turning his head to take me in.  Then he smiled again, and motioned with his head for me to follow him...

The Peacock 1053

 "That's interesting", says Carl.  Francois is silent.

"Aside from rather a flop of matrimonial relations with my wife, he is the only sexual partner I've ever had.  After the third time, he followed me home.  He had been sleeping in a tent in the gay section of the beach, in between tree planting contracts on Vancouver Island.  Dad was away for a few days on retreat, but I wouldn't let Chuck sleep with me.  He slept in the den on the hideabed, then the next morning, after giving him breakfast, he went away.  I never saw or heard from him again.  Curiously, he did apologize for taking advantage of my vulnerability, as he called it.  And he was right about that.  Even if I did sin by consenting, I felt lured into his trap with him, and very much taken over by him.  I never said anything to Dad about it, nor that I had entertained a house guest in his absence   That's always stood as a bit of a wedge between us, I'm afraid.

"That you had to keep that secret from him," says Carl.

"That, without my father's consent or knowledge that I allowed some random stranger I'd had sex with to sleep in his house without his knowledge or consent."  And now, for the first time ever in life, I am undergoing contrition and repentance, and tears are streaming down my face.  Francois is still silent...

The Peacock 1052

 "Bedtime" says Carl.

"Agreed", says Francois, stretching and yawning.

"Shall we pray first?"say I.

"Don't see why not", says Francois.

We are seated, quietly, each with head bowed where we re sitting.  Yes, I am still feeling the Presence, not quite so strongly, but something has definitely opened in me.

Carl says, "Chris, you are needing to get something off your chest.  I keep getting this image of a man, brown hair, moustache, somewhere in his thirties, and he seems to be telling me that you need to say something about him."

"Australian?"

"Could be.  I have no way of knowing."

"That would be Chuck.  We had sex together three times at Wreck Beach more than twenty years ago..."

The Peacock 1051

 I was impressed with how quickly he composed himself, but just then I caught just a faint whiff of scotch on his breath.  He probably had a bad hangover, and he certainly wasn't going to be for me the only Anglican cleric who also happened to be a lush. Alcoholism has long had pandemic proportions among Anglican clergy, and for a few years I happened to be one of the victims.  Further on I will give you an account of my rehabilitation and recovery, but for now let's stick with the old lush running the theological seminary.  After he caught his breath he mentioned that I was enrolled as Kevin Wilson, and as far as he was concerned, Kevin Wilson I would remain.   This I took as a slap in the face.  I had registered not as Kevin, but as Karen, and that with the bishop's blessing, I sputtered in his face.  I was then told that His Grace had no jurisdiction here because we were now in a different diocese.  But I had an ace up my sleeve.  I was on very friendly terms with the chaplain, and he was totally good with recognizing me as Karen Wilson.  But I didn't have to go to him because, as it happened, the next morning, word got out that our noble provost had been felled overnight by a devastating stroke, possibly brought on by his drinking and maybe hastened forward a bit by me, from which he was to leave this mortal coil just ten days later....

The Peacock 1050

 "And I happen to be a woman."

"What", said the provost, "brought you to that conclusion?"

"I explained to him how, from childhood, I never felt nor could really identify as male.  That I only identified with the other girls in school and in my neighbourhood growing up. That I had to struggle and fake being a boy, and of how difficult and unforgiving this was growing up in a small redneck town.  Of what a farce marriage and fatherhood were, especially given that had I the option, I would have very happily carried each of my three sons to term nside my own body, given birth, and nursed them from my own breasts.

He asked me if I was homosexual and that was when I completely lost it.  I roared in his wizened face that sexual orientation had nothing to do with my gender identity, and that otherwise not to expect me to dignify with a reply so ridiculous and puerile a question.  Then he became particularly angry, his face turning such a deep shade of heirloom tomato red that I was afraid he might drop dead of a stroke right there in the office with me.

The Peacock 1049

 "So are you going to read to us, or what?" says Carl.  "It's closing in on ten."

"We can do a short quick read.  I'm also feeling the night.

"My second day in seminary, and everything was beginning to look promising, but then I was called to the provost's office.  He is no longer with us, and even then he seemed ancient, I would imagine already getting on for eighty. A tall, slightly stooped and rail thin man with an amazing mop of snow white hair and black eyebrows that sat on his forehead like decorative caterpillars.  Through his dark rimmed glasses glared two very intensely blue eyes that missed nothing.  A force to be reckoned with. He copped a very broad smile as I came in and invited me to sit down.  The kind of smile that a politician would wear as he launches his reelection campaign.  "Good morning, Kevin, I understand you are just settling into the life and program here", he began, when immediately I corrected him.  "My name is Karen", I said.  "That is rather interesting", he replied.  "Karen, I believe, is a woman's name.  But seated here before me I see a young man.  "

"Who you see here is actually a woman, no longer young, at least not that young." I said.

"On your records here, it says you are thirty one. I must admit that to a man my age, anyone younger than fifty is young"

The Peacock 1048

 "So how is our Swedish friend?" says Carl.

"Coping.  Tomorrow morning iIm bringing him some books from Dad's library and some art supplies.  It's not a good arrangement for him.  He suffers from depression.

This second chapter of karen's memoir looks interesting.  "Facing the Judges", it says.   "Oh one other thing.  Erik also has given me news of Greta, my ex.  It turns out that she's quits with her second husband.  Guess who has replaced him."

"Lindstrom?" says Francois.

"That was lucky."

"Doesn't take a genius", says Carl.

"And one other thing.  Apparently Erik's claim of coming here for his phd is bogus.  He is simply trying to get away from his sister and her beau.  Apparently he's been in some kind of danger from them and is trying to escape."

"No surprise that", says Francois.

"He mentions that even though Lindstrom whould be at least sixty by now, he really looks hardly a year older than twenty years ago."

"Now that is creepy", says Carl.

"Or", says Francois lazily, "he has a good plastic surgeon..."

The Peacock 1047

 Even though he sat in the shade he was completely naked, plus he had a gigantic erection that he made absolutely no attempt to conceal from me.  I stood there paralysed.  He gestured to the space next to him and said, "Come on over."  He had an accent.  Australian.  And after standing there stupidly staring at his gigantic member, I slowly, shyly made my way over to him. He was very handsome, longish dark brown hair, clear blue eyes and a mustache concealing full sensuous lips  There is a first time for every thing, I reasoned, and as I took my place next to him wondered however was I going to explain any of this to Dad.

Odd, after such an intense and beautiful encounter with God that here I am, while seated with my friends in the living room to read a bit more from Karen Wilson's memoir, that I am remembering in lurid detail, no, reliving in lurid detail, my first ever sexual encounter.  It may be prudent to say something to Carl and Francois, but not yet.  It still seems too soon for this.  But God also feels present, strongly present, and I think He is walking me through these memories.  For healing no doubt....

The Peacock 1046

 It was six months, no, longer, it was almost summer, after Kenny's death.  It is hard even for me to believe that after growing up near the top of that cliff that I would be twenty years old before my first visit to Wreck Beach.  But Kenny used to go there, not often, and I felt keenly a drive to somehow walk with him down there.  I started where Carl went in from the forest, continuing on from Spanish Banks West Beach along the rocks, stones, driftwood and sandbars, passing here and there naked people basking in the sun or playing frisbee out on the tidal flats.  Not all naked, but enough.  Then the two gun towers, two gaunt concrete monoliths on each end of the section of beach named appropriately Towers Beach, built during the Second World War to ward off any less than likely Japanese attack.   Then turning the bend just past tower number two, there was Wreck Beach proper, I would say, fifty percent naked, and sometimes very easy on the eyes, but I was careful not to stare, knowing how utterly tacky.  I got near to the gay section, where the ocean turns into the mouth of the Fraser River.  It was a warm, sunny day, and now it was all men, mostly naked, likely one hundred percent gay.  Near where a trail began seated on a log outside his tent, Chuck looked up and said hi to me...

The Peacock 1045

 So, who is this guy she's with now?  And what about the kid?"

"Max is with Mehmet.  Greta seems to have very little interest in raising her child.  which is just as well because her new, or old, man is a psycho whacko."

"How old is he?"

"Given how long she's known him I'd say he must be getting near sixty.  But you wouldn't know it to look at him.  He's one of those people that never ages."

"Where did she meet him?"

"Years ago at the university.  He was her anthropology professor."

"Lindstrom?"

"Good guess.  How did you know about him?"

"I have my sources."

"Listen, Christopher, I had might as well tell you this right now.  I did not really apply to take my pHd at UBC. Do you know why I really came here?"

"Tell me."

"I had to get away from them both.  It was either that or..."

"You don't have to say more than that right now, Erik, if you're not ready to.  I understand."

"How come do you know about Lindstrom."

"There's a bit of a story.  Can I tell you tomorrow?"

"Okay.  Please.  I think we both have some things to get off our chest."

"I'll call you tomorrow morning around nine, before I head out to deliver you the books."

"And art materials."

"Yes, I have a sketchbook here and some pencil crayons for you to use.  Good night..."

The Peacock 1044

 "Thanks, I guess.  I feel closer to eighty, what with jetlag and being held prisoner like this."

"It's just for two weeks.  How about Greta?  Any word from her these days?"

"She and Mehmet are separating."

"How come?"

"He doesn't want to share her."

"What do you mean.  He has a rival?"

"Sven was in the scene long before Mehmet arrived, and it looks like Greta is not about to divide her loyalties."

"What a shame."  Though I'm not sure if I really mean it, since I might also be secretly gloating that my ex-wife can't keep her man.

"You can say that again."

"You don't imagine that it would be because he's Turkish?"

"Could be.  I mean with his blond hair and blue eyes and perfect cheekbones he looks more Swedish than Greta and I put together, but there is always that ethnic odour that seems to get in the way.  But, anyway, I believe you are right about us Swedes.  We are mostly closet white supremacists and I am saying this with feelings of profound disgust.

The Peacock 1043

 "Not much to tell.  When I was in the forest today I felt the presence of God very strong, and it seemed to just completely fill me."  I am not going to mention the tongues or the singing.  Erik may not be ready for this.  He doesn't look skeptical.  Sort of receptive.

"And now your life is changed forever", he says smiling, but not quite sarcastically.

"I guess time will tell."

"So what are you guys up to tonight."

"I think we're going to be signing off soon.  We just finished eating, Carl and I, and I imagine he's with Francois right now in the living room."

"They both seem very interesting."

"They are both very interesting."

"Carl's a millionaire?"

"He inherited quite a mound of money from his father.  His great grandfather built this huge mansion where he is living and now Carl and his sister are the sole proprietor's.  Tomorrow his mother will be flying in from Switzerland in order to commandeer the place.  She of course will be in quarantine for fourteen days.  Carl really wants to get out of there."

"Has he become...I don't know...sort of a sugar daddy to you?  I know that seems weird, especially because he's so young."

"He's pushing forty."

"I thought fhe was younger than me."

"How old are you now?"

"Thirty-three."

"You don't at all look it..."

The Peacock 1042

 "I don't know how I'm going to cope with this.  I already suffer from depression."

"Kid, you have me.  We can talk every day, two or three times a day if you want.  You can phone me any time."

"Did you find me some books?"

"Shit, I forgot.  I'll get right to it before I go to bed tonight, then I'll bring them out for you tomorrow morning.  Do you have the address for me?"

"I'm texting it to you right now."

"Could you bring me also a sketchbook, and some coloured pencils or felts?"

"Surely I can do that for my ex-brother-in-law."

"Friend.  I'm also  your friend.  Aren't I?

"You bet!"

"What's happened to you? You seem... different."

"Different how?

"I don't know.  Happier.  Lighter.  You appear to have this light surrounding you.  Did you meet God or something?"

"In a word...yes"

"Please tell me about it, I have never seen you this way..."

The Peacock 1041

 I haven't revealed anything to Carl or François about Chuck.  I'm not yet ready to do this, especially given how much I seem to be only just starting to remember.  How could I have forgotten, but I do suffer from bouts of amnesia.  I imagine this encounter today with the Holy Spirit is going to be opening a lot of stuff in me.  Anyway, here I am, back in Dad's bedroom, which maybe one day I will call my own bedroom.  Just like maybe one day I will call this my house?  Maybe it's time to sell and use the equity to help Carl buy that Victorian mansion.  Why am I thinking this right now?  The door is closed anyway, which is good.  I want to have a private conversation with Erik, without anyone eavesdropping, especially Carl.  Later, if appropriate, I will tell him. about my chat with Erik.  Not Chuck.  Not yet anyway.

It is rather nice to lie stretched out on this big bed propped against pillows, but I am getting drowsy, so it's now or never.

"Hi Erik."

"Did I wake you up?"

"No, I was just dozing.

"How are you?"

"Whacked from a super long hike in the Endowment Lands today.  I just ate and now seem to be slipping into a food coma."

"Wish I could go hiking.  Looks like I won't be walking anywhere outside this room for two weeks..."

1040

 "Is there a story there?"

"This stir fry is delicious" say I.

"Francois is an excellent cook." says Carl

"Louder please", says Francois from the living room.

"Francois is an excellent cook." repeats Carl a bit louder.

"Louder."

In unison Carl and I both shout "Francois is an excellent cook!"

"Thank you.  don't eat with your mouths full

"You mean", say I, "Don't talk with your mouths full."

"That too."

."So, Chris, about your experiences at Wreck Beach."

""Listen to the nice man.  Don't eat with your mouth full."

"Seconds?" says Carl, getting up with his now empty plate."

"Don't mind if I do", say I passing him my plate...

The Peacock 1039

 "You're both welcome!" calls Francois from the living room as Carl and I are already at table, shoveling delicious stir fry into our craws.

"Thank you Francois", I call back.

"Ditto", says Carl

"So, how did you like Wreck Beach?" say I.

"It's a beautiful place."

"With or without the naked people?

"Not a fair question.  And anyway not all the bodies there are young or beautiful.  Most of them pretty ordinary, some are downright hideous."

"Not much different from the folks we'd see in the shopping mall, only naked?"

"Something like that.  But they weren't all naked."

"You said you took off all your clothes", say I, testing. "what was that like?"

"A bit weird.  Like you I'm Not all that modest, but it still felt kind of strange.  But I also wasn't wearing sunscreen so I didn't want to take chances.  How about you Chris?  Have you ever gone naked at Wreck Beach?"

"Three times."

"Three times?"

"Three times..."

The Peacock 1038

Chuck wanted us to sleep together before leaving town the next morning for a tree planting job on the Island.  his idea was that, since dad was away, he could sleep with me.  I thought different.  We continued talking about it while eating together at the kitchen table.  There was no way I was going to show such disrespects for the man who sired and raised me and with such extraordinary car and common sense.  Church appeared to get it and so I put him to bed in kenny's room next to mine.  It worked out okay.  Curiously, we said nothing about our three encounters at Wreck Beach, whether out of tact or embarrassment or  bit of both.  Chuck was the first and only man with whom I had ever had sex, an experience even more intensely frightening that it was intensely pleasurable.

Francois is reclined as usual on the  sofa with his laptop.  "I left you guys a whole mess of food on top of the stove", he says, briefly looking up from his screen and before we can even say thank you, Carl and I are both in the kitchen where I am  loading up two large plates with Francois' delicious stir fry...

The Peacock 1037

 We are almost home and fortunately we have both run out of things to talk about.  And I cannot stop thinking about Chuck.  He actually followed me home one night, as though he hadn't already had enough of me that day.  It was our third and last meeting.  Dad was away at a clergy retreat leaving me with the house to myself.  It was well into summer, July, and we were having a warm spell.  It would have been about this time of evening, when the sun is getting ready to go down for its well deserved rest following a good sixteen hours in the sky.    I was famished, and made a ham and cheese sandwich with a big plate full of potato salad.  There was a knock on the door.  I looked through the peep hole and there he was, shirtless with a backpack, and so incredibly hungry and desirable....

The Peacock 1036

 "You got a history with that beach."

"Yeah, and I'm not telling you right now."

"Ah c'mon Chris.  We don't have secrets."

"About this one we are going to have to be patient."

"Aw!"

And now I do want to change the subject but I'm not sure just how to distract us from talking about Chuck, because it was Chuck I used to see down at Wreck Beach.  not often.  just three times.  But I don't feel ready yet, and Carl is so fucking inquisitive.  And to think, fresh off the baptism of the Spirit I am using that kind of language and recalling one of the most scandalous events of my shadowy past.  But this is going to have to wait.  Only now the memory has been resurrected and now it's going to linger in my face like the walking dead.  And how quickly we forget the joy and blessings of the innocence of God's perfect love....

The Peacock 1035

 "I was walking in the forest and then suddenly I was baptized in the Holy Spirit."

"Say again please?"

"Today, while walking in a different part of Pacific Spirit Park, I received the infilling of the Holy Spirit, there was this humongous release of joy and peace and I began singing in an unknown tongue."

"It really happened?

"It's happening now."

"I can see it all over you.  Yes, Chris, you are different.  Changed.  So happy and light, and kind and fun to be around.  I mean, I've always enjoyed being with you, but this is like when someone suddenly pours chocolate orange sauce all over the white chocolate ice cream."

"Yeah I guess that's one way of saying it.  The thing is, more than twenty-five years ago, along with my Dad, I received the laying on of hands.  For him it was all trumpets and fireworks and for me not even a rusted kazoo.  And then this lady prophesies and tells me that the Spirit would remain bottled up in me for a number of years until the time was right.  And, now, the time is right."

"That is just amazing, Chris.  I am so happy for you.  You know, it happened for me when I was twenty-one in Switzerland, but then it went underground for a long time.  Just now it seems to be bubbling again to the surface.  But maybe it would help if I stay away from that famous beach of yours."

"Dude, it ain't my  beach", and now we are both laughing.

"

The Peacock1034

 Carl soon relaxes his arm and lets it fall away from my shoulder.  The contact is nice, but prolonged can feel a bit icky, cloying after a while.  I think we both know this.

"So how far did you get on the beach?"

"What do you mean, how far."

"Chill.  You already said you didn't misbehave.  Not that it matters one way or the other..."

"But it does."

"Says you."

"Chris, it does matter.  Those happen to be the first penises I have seen other than my own since I sucked my last dick for pay in Amsterdam.  Do you know how long ago that was?  More than twenty years."

"So you never made it to the gay section."

"There happens to be a gay section?

"Never mind.  How are you feeling right now?"

"Shakey.  Impacted I would guess."

"Triggered?"

"Very."

"You're going to be all right."

"Pardon?"

"You're going to be all right."

"Say it again, please, Chris."

"You're going to be all rught,"

Thank you."

Okay, your turn.  Say it for yourself"

"I'm going to be all right."

"Again."

"I'm going to be all right."

"Say it again."

"I'm going to be all right."

"Very good.  Now let me tell you about my day."

"Yes, please....

The Peacock 1033

 Erik is on the phone.

"Where are you?" he demands, rather in the same tone of voice as Francois when he called me a few minutes ago.

"I just rescued Carl from Wreck Beach and now I'm walking him home."

"You what!  What were you doing down there?"

"It's really a lovely place, you know."

"You've been there?"

"On occasion.  But today no, I simply met him at the top of the trail because he was lost, this being his first time, so now I am providing him safe passage home.  Didn't you ever go there when you were here ten years ago?

He pauses..."once."

"And?"

"Never mind.  You said you'd call me later today.  What happened?"

"I kind of got swept away on a huge gust of God's love.  But here I am now.  How are you?"

"I just woke up.  I fell asleep soon after  our last phone call.  Now I'm wide awake."

"Would you like me to call you on Skype when I get home."

"Could you please?

"Okay, but after I've eaten.  I am famished right now.  See you in about an hour, maybe at nine or so?"

"Very good.  Bye."

And now I feel Carl's arm encircling my shoulders, and it does feel nice as he draws me close to him...

The Peacock 1032

 He looks anxious and stressed, and he seems sort of glad to see me as I cross the road to meet him.  Instinctively I open my arms and enfold him in a hug which he timidly accepts.  I feel light and happy and can only see the humour.  He looks like a puppy that has just peed on the carpet.  "Thanks for coming, Chris."

"You wasted no time finding our notorious clothing optional beach.  How did you get there."

"I repeated the walk we took to the forest yesterday, and then I went down to the beach where I just continued walking, and walking and walking.  I never imagined that I would see so many naked people on a single day."

"Was it enjoyable?" say I as we cross the road together and begin our walk home.

"Please don't ask me that question"  Then after a brief silence says, "So you welcome and forgive the prodigal sinner?"

"Sinner?  What did you do"  Did you have sex with anyone?"

"No."

"Did you go naked?"

"For maybe twenty minutes when I sat down on a log to rest, but then it felt weird so I got dressed again."

"Did you get drunk?"

"No."

"Did you take any drugs?"

"No."

"Were you tormented by unclean thoughts?" and now I am giggling.

"Of course I was!"

"Welcome home sinner" , and he offers a timid little smile in response to my unsuppressed giggling...

The Peacock 1031

I cannot remember when I last walked this route.  Likely the last time I was at Wreck Beach, maybe twenty years ago?  It was always a self-indulgent novelty for me, the rare time I went.  I wandered sometimes into the gay section by the Fraser River, and was more repulsed and scared off than titillated.  I am glad Carl managed to get away from there before sunset, which happens pretty soon.  I must say I am still feeling buoyed by this revelation of God's presence in the form of tongues and song.  I feel amazingly energized even after sitting down for just ten minutes.  Here is Marine Drive, the trees, and yes, I see him, Carl, looking around anxiously...

1030

 "Hi Francois."

"Where are you?"

"What do you mean, where am I".  And now I am laughing.

"It's quarter to eight."

And I glance at my phone screen and sure enough it is 7:47.

"Oh, sorry.  It is late."

"I made a huge stir fry and it should feed us for a couple of days.  Want me to leave some out for you."

"Yes, man, I am starving."

"Any word from Carl.  He's been gone all this time and we don't have each other's contact."

"Wait a minute, i just got a text from him, five minutes ago.  he says, "Chris, I am trying to escape from Wreck Beach. it looks like a butcher shop with all this naked flesh and I have to get out of here.  Someone told me I'm on Trail Six.  How do I get home from here?

"Better call him, right away".

"agreed."

"Carl, it's Christopher.  Where are you right now."

"I am just getting to the top of the trail."

"Don't move from there.  I will be there in fifteen minutes.  Stay there at the trail entrance..."

The Peacock 1029

 I can't seem to stop walking.  I must have already covered almost every trail in this forest.  The shadows are beginning to lengthen, and the leaves glitter like pieces of emerald dipped in gold.  My legs, my feet, are getting sore.  I am thirsty.  Why did I forget to bring water with me?  I haven't sung in more than an hour,  perhaps two hours, and the silence has been wonderful.  But can I still sing like that?  Will I have forgotten this language?  This must be like that Canadian in Mexico from Aaron's story that he shared with u a few days back, walking and singing beautifully in an unknown tongue.  I have to get in touch with Aaron, see if he will have coffee with me.  He could explain a thing or two.  And, yes, I am singing again, and the language, the words flow, and I haven't a clue what any of them mean.  It sounds perhaps a little like Persian, or Sanskrit.  I don't know, but it has a beautiful sound.  

Back on the campus now and here is the café where I used to work. They are still open, and a table outside would be nice.  I will order a bottle of perrier.  The server is a young man, perhaps Korean, friendly and likeable.  And now to look at my phone again which I haven't turned on since I left the house today.  A text from Francois.  He wants me to call him.  And a text from Carl...

The Peacock 1028

 Yes, I remember.  After Kenny's death, when my father started drinking, then the AA program he enrolled in, and then some friends he met there coming to visit, and soon every week, Wednesday evenings they would gather for prayer in the living room.  A friend he had made at AA was a charismatic Christian, and he introduced Dad to some people from his church, and then one evening they laid their hands on him and he was suddenly weeping with joy and babbling in an unknown tongue and then with my permission they did the same with me and...nothing.  I felt numb.  Then a woman there, a lady in her fifties spoke prophetically over me.  How could I have forgotten?  She said that I had received the gift of the Holy Spirit, but it would lie dormant for some years, some many years until the tree had grown to maturity and the fruit had ripened and then the living waters would flow out.  Or something to that effect.  And never have I felt such joy, never in my life could I have imagined such joy.  I walk now in ecstasy...

The Peacock 1027

 As I pass the towering douglas fir, hemlock and sitka spruce and cedar trees and the banks of salmonberry bushes still in wild magenta bloom I have suddenly gone silent.  There is something stirring, struggling to emerge, and in this place of no place and no time, I open my mouth and again song pours forth but in a strange music and a strange tongue I have never spoken or sung before, and it is so hauntingly beautiful that I have to keep singing and it tears its way out of my throat like a flock of imprisoned white doves finally released to their aerial dance and flight into the heavens and my voice rises, but not my voice but the voice of another proclaiming from my lungs the majesty of the Lord, with the doves,  and the man on the bike looks at me astonished and even he cannot stop me, and not even I can prevent this magic, this celestial power from ripping its sonorous beauty out into the surrounding air vibrating with light and mystery...

Years ago, my father and some of his friends, surrounded me in the living room of our house, placed their hands on me and prayed.  This can be none other than the baptism of the Holy Spirit...

The Peacock 1026

 And now song rips its way through me as I raise my voice to the raven.  A Christian Hymn, "Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty"...I know that I sound good, I was often pressured in both parish churches to enlist in the choir and I did not want that kind of attention..."Early in the morning my song shall rise to thee", and it pours out sweet, strong and buoyant and the two young women walking by smile, and not with sarcasm.  I have not lost the magic, the power resides in me still, and I am its channel...."Holy, Holy, Holy, merciful and mighty..." and I hear other birds singing as I meld my voice with theirs..."God in three persons, blessed Trinity..."

The Peacock 1025

 I knew better than to tell the doctors.  They would have just increased my medications and left me a blathering drooling zombie, and I was not going to sacrifice any more of my mind in order to fulfill my obligations as a patient.  They had their diagnosis, their neat little box to pack me in, but this unity of dimensions, this merging of time, space and being, they would have dismissed as psychosis and they would likely have kept me in there another three weeks, then released me into a tertiary care facility.  But now that robin's singing pierces through and units me with the shining green leaves and the call of the raven overhead is my signal to watch and beware as I soar with the raven, and now I am its stomach filled with the putrefying remains of the dead squirrel it has just ingested.  The powerline trail is wide, like a gravel road in the bush and it will carry me further and further still.  A jogger runs past and his desperate gasping for air betrays his unwellness, his utter obsession with running and running and running and suddenly I am his legs and the stinking feet enclosed in his expensive runners that move with staccato force on the gravel.  His T shirt is a flaming magenta passion screaming out frustration and fury to every branch extending its hungry leaves to a cruel and benevolent sun....