The Peacock 995

 We have agreed that we are going to function for the next couple of weeks as a vegetarian household.  Carl,. despite his forays into burger heaven in the Sunrise diner, feels a need to stay true to his sister's cooking.  Francois has been vegetarian since living in the big house and I have never been very fussy.  So we re stocking up on dried beans, cheese, eggs, broccoli, tomatoes, cabbage, carrots, onions,. garlic, leeks, oranges, apples, strawberries, peanut butter, whole grain bread, strawberry jam, honey, coffee, tea, we are loading up here in the No Frills grocery store.  I don't know why I insisted on shopping here since we re all flush right now, but I will be damned if I let Carl beat me to the cash checkout with his Visa card and sure enough, one more time Francois has succeeded in distracting him, with questions about pricing for milk and eggs, and it looks like the final items, three four litre jugs of two percent milk and a couple of bunches of semi ripe bananas and I am tapping my debit card before Carl can even reach for his wallet.  He accepts the touché of my sweet little smile and without further comment we all load our loot into the van...

The Peacock 894

 "Shut up.  No way", says Carl.

"That is the penalty for breaking the seal of the confessional."

"Seriously?" say I.  "we would never think of divulging that kind of information."

"Seriously."

"You can trust us", says Carl.  

"Too late.  It's already out there.  My goose is cooked, so I might as well move on."

"What are you going to do?" say I.

"I have no idea.  There is no way I am going to face those bastards in the church.  I am done and I am  not going to give them any cause to rejoice over my bones."

"Can't blame you for that", Carl says.  "Francois, please, more than ever, you have to stay with us.  At least until you've had time to figure out your next direction.  And if we are part of that direction, then so much the better.  But I think you would be wise to stick close with us for a while anyway."

"I totally concur", say I.

"Thank you", says Francos solemnly.  "Thank you so much you guys"  He is quiet, and so are we, then he looks up at my huge window and says, "What a magnificent view from up here...."

The Peacock 893

 "News?" says Carl, between fistfuls of potato chips pulled from the bag.  I really haven't even thought of putting them in a proper bowl.

"That was the deacon telling me the house is okay and ready for us. We have also been left a cat that should be there to welcome us.  Do you guys like cats?"

"I love cats", says Francois. 

"Ï'm okay with them", says Carl.  "But I do want a dog.  Can we get a puppy, Chris?"

"No,"

"Aw!"

"One animal in the house will be plenty."

Francois, looking sideways towards Carl, quips,"Methinks that the cat is not going to be the only animal in the house."

"I love you too, brother", says Carl shoving the bag of chips in his face, "now eat!"

"By the way, you guys", says Francois, nibbling thoughtfully on a potato chip.  "There is one detail I think I need to share with you."

""Which is?" says Carl.

"I am effectively now excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church."

The Peacock 892

 My phone is ringing and the voice responds to my hello, "Hello, this is Rev. Jenkins,  Deacon, calling.  Am I speaking to Christopher?"  His accent is decidedly English. Oxbridge and rather plummy.

"Yes, hello Reverend Jenkins."

"And how are you, today."

"Fine thanks.  And yourself?"  His voice is plummy but also warm and dare I say even inviting.

"Very well.  Splendid weather we are having today.  It feels almost like a summer day."

"Yes, it does."  And now I am waiting for the distinguished deacon to either tell me the purpose of his call or to cut to the chase by asking him how I might help him.

"My reason for calling, Christopher, is simply to inform you that your family home is now ready for occupancy.  I had a look throughout yesterday and you will be glad to know that the Ugandan family who were tenants there left it in pristine and sparkling condition."

"I am relieved to hear that.  Thank you.  I am actually on my way over there right now."

"Oh dear, I hope I did not catch you while motoring."

"No, I'm sitting in my apartment downtown with a couple of friends.  We should be heading there in a few minutes."

"Oh, there is one other matter you should be apprised of.  The African tenants left their cat on the premises.  She is there right now.  There is nothing to worry about, everything is quite clean and intact, but we were wondering what you would like to do about it."

"I guess I'll know when I see the cat."

"And one other thing.  The Rev Karen Wilson who was to be mentoring the Ugandan ordinand, she lent him her book, which he has left unread on the kitchen table.  I asked her about it, and she said you are welcome to it if you wish.  You would find it most interesting..."

891

 From the wall above where Carel is seated stares out Greta's dark purple tulip.  It is a watercolour that she bought shortly after we got the place.  A simple, stark elegant dark flower on a pale background.

"Is your furniture Ikea?" asks Francois, stirring cream in his coffee.

"Is my ex-wife Swedish?"

"So you got everything at Ikea?"

"Every single stick."

"Do you ever miss her?"

"No."  and now it is dawning on me for the first time.  This is really Greta's apartment.  I lived here but under her courtesy.  She had somehow aced the funds, how, she never told me.  But I have basically paid only the strata fees, which are already high enough.  I have been squatting in my ex-wife's home for well over ten years.

"Earth to Chris", says Carl, looking at me intently, though with a shadow of a grin hovering on his lips.

"Something has just occurred to me.  This is my wife's, or my ex-wife's condominium.  I moved here direct from my father's house.  I have never lived in a place i could call my own.,.."

890

 My place doesn't appear to be very messy, and neat freak that I am, I still feel self-conscious about the random papers piled on one end of the kitchen counter, where I am also depositing the letter from Canada Revenue and the notice for a public hearing.  I can look at them later.  

"This is a nice, cozy little place you have here", says Francois.  "Would you like us to take off our shoes?"

"Yes, please do."

Carl has said nothing about my place, and, given that he is accustomed to far grander accommodations, I rather like it that way.

"It is rather small", say I, and I really can't find the words to describe how sad and neglected this place feels since I've been away the past week.  It needs again to be lived in, but this time I feel like I am coming back to a place that has always been empty.  "Please make yourselves at home."

Perhaps the act of making coffee for guests will help reorient me to my little condominium.  It certainly isn't big.  It is one of the older towers in Yaletown, and I bought it with Greta fifteen  years ago when it was still relatively cheap.  I could expect a little equity if I sell it.

"Do you both like your coffee strong?" I call from the kitchen.

"No need to ask", says Carl

"Ditto", says Francois.

The Peacock 889

 It's been a quiet ride all the way to downtown Vancouver.  Carl has found parking on Hamilton Street, not far from the library, and we stop in a Seven Eleven to pick up cream for our coffee, which should still be palatable from my fridge freezer.  Both my new friends walk with care, and vigilance.  And I am feeling the same, having been in the mountains this past week.  The traffic, though light on a Sunday afternoon, seems dense, relentless and rocket speed.  The young Filipina woman working at the store appears perplexed by us for some reason, but I think because we are so obviously out of place here.  While Carl is studying the rack of chocolate bars, I whisper to François, "Distract him before he tries to pay for this", and as I am finishing the transaction for the cream and a large bag of barbecue chips, Francois has been directing Carl's attention to the Coliseumesque grandeur of the public library across the street.    Seeing me receive change, since I am paying in cash this time, Carl bursts out laughing."nice work you guys!"  and while we are all sharing the laugh at the success of our little foil, he grabs two fistfulls of random chocolate bars, drops them on the counter and produces his credit card.

 In the mail I collect only a notice of a public hearing for a redevelopment notice and a letter from Canada Revenue.  The elevator takes us up to the thirty-first floor, and I open the door to my little downtown condo...

The Peacock 888

 "What do you plan to do, Christopher?" says Francois, who seems to relish in saying my full given name, and I like the way he pronounces my name with his elegant accent, French tinged, but decidedly upper class.  "I mean once you are finished with your retreat, such as it is."

"They gave me a generous leave of absence and my cerb benefits should last me another few months.  After that,  don't know.  I would like to return to work, and there appears to be a higher than usual demand with covid morbidity.  I do want to return, eventually, but I am still enjoying this time away." 

"Or you might by then accept the fact that your material needs will be already taken care of as you launch into the Lord's work with your brothers Carl and Francois", says Carl from behind the steering wheel.

"While we are staying together at my father's house", say I, because, for some reason, I don't want to call that house my home.  It is my father's house.

"What is our next stop, by the way?" says Carl.

"We can stop in my condo downtown, have a cup of coffee, and there get our bearings.  But we should spend the night in my father's house..."

The Peacock 887

 I am relieved to get out of that restaurant. We are right in the middle of this pandemic, and not even the serving staff were wearing face masks, plus the place was extremely crowded.  I am thinking of checking in with the local health authority.   And I have also just heard both Carl and Francois mumbling something similar. But the food was good, if a bit overpriced.  On Francois' suggestion we are taking a walk.  We decided to skirt the riverfront, and are headed instead to the Queens Park neighbourhood.  The streets are lined with Victorian era mansions.  It is all very stunning, and as we are reaching the park, Carl mentions, "You would think the place is a ghost town or a movie set.  I have never in my life walked through anything so quiet.  And", he adds, "I also noticed a for sale sign in front of a particularly lovely home that might work just fine for us."

"Except", say I, "We are not moving."

"Not yet , anyway.  Hey, I just want to go back there and scan the QR code."

"As you wish", says Francois, and I am wondering if he has just censored himself from saying the words, "Great White Benefactor."

The house is gorgeous, and huge, light blue and white with stained glass, a turret and a veranda wrapped around the ground floor, the Queen Anne style.

While aiming his phone at the sign, Carl says, "I bet this baby must have at least twelve bedrooms."  

We are quiet as we backtrack to the park, where we are walking among the trees, but we are all losing momentum, and finally Francois says, "Shall we go back to the van?"  and without speaking we all concur.  It already appears that we are the three of us psychically linked, and already becoming of one mind, despite our differences.  This is going to be interesting...

The Peacock 886

 "Which means", says Carl, giggling like a naughty twelve year old, "that your word is law."

And now I am the one losing his humour, and I just manage to keep a tight rein on my tone of voice.  "What it really means is that you can both expect to be pampered and spoiled rotten by me for the time we are together there."

"and when the honeymoon is over?" says Francois.

"We will each be expected to pull our weight", says Carl, still smiling.

"It'll be an opportunity for us to learn how to live together in a different environment."

"But", says Francois, "That will be your environment, and how can we all feel equal?"

"Unless", says Carl, "Unless, I buy us all a big lovely house where we can all feel equal."

"Except for one little problem", say I.  "Since it's your money, it will be your house.  Not ours."

"Details, details."  Then he picks up the check for the meal, without consulting any of us, and approaches the young woman who has been serving us...

The Peacock 885

 The kindest word I could have to describe this restaurant would be pretentious.  I think I am just spoiled from eating every day the past week at the Sunrise Diner.  This is I suppose,  a nice enough place, but the tables are a little too close together, the music, a mix of  recent pop and eighties nostalgia, just a little bit overbearing and the clientele is made up of the staunchly middle class brunch crowd, all underdressed in T shirts, shorts and flip flops, several trailing their small entitled offspring.  It is evident how much I love children, and I can't say I care for them much, but someone has to do it.  This is more like breakfast number two. I am enjoying a cheese and spinach frittata, Carl is digging into hotcakes, bacon and eggs, and Francois is working on an order of French toast with sausages.  We have been pretty quiet since we all sat down.  And clearly the meaning and momentum of our trip is starting to weigh on us.  Or, should I say, I imagine we are all asking ourselves the one and same question:  What the hell am I doing here?

Carl breaks the silence, shouting just a little bit over the music and tiresome loud patrons' din.

"Aren't you still moving back to Montreal?" he asks Francois.

"That's an ace I'm keeping in my back pocket for now."

"Meaning."

 "I'm not sure how to express this in a way that doesn't sound trite or insincere, but I actually really l feel connected to both of you right now, and first, before anything else, I want to see where that goes.We are away from the familiar environment of your mansion, Carl, so I think especially for you  these two weeks together in Vancouver could make it or break it."

Carl continues to thoughtfully shovel more hotcakes into his mouth, then after masticating with an almost exaggerated solemn air he says, "Dibs that being away from that nuthouse makes all of us."

"It could still be an adjustment", say I.  "We have also been used to all the space and the other people, not to mention the rustic isolation of the place.  We are going from there to the confines of a modest size three to four bedroom eighty-five year old house in a residential neighbourhood.  It is a nice area, and quiet, but we are also going to be all together in my house."

"And your word will be law?" says Francois, winking and clearly restored to his characteristic good humour.

"Until it is really clear to us what we are doing there, you will both be there as my guests..."

The Peacock 884

 "What do you pay in property taxes?"

"That is why I want to sell the condo.  Or rent it out."

"I'll take care of it."

"No."

"Chris.  Yes.  Let me. please."

"It shouldn't become your problem."

"Do you want to keep your family home, when so many people in this province are becoming housing insecure?"

"I'll figure something out.  God will provide, if he wants me to keep the house."

"Chris", says Carl.  "God has just provided."

"But..."

"No buts.  Chris, God is providing through your crazy Dutchman.  Don't be proud.  Agreed?"

I really don't have the energy to fight with Carl.  He is really too strong for me.  And he is also, as always, right.  "Agreed."  

"I still expect to pay rent", says Francois.

"It's taken care of", says Carl.

"Oh, just listen to the Great White Benefactor."  And suddenly Carl drives, silent and very inside himself.

"I'm sorry", says Francois.  "That was very unkind of me."

"I deserved it nonetheless", he says, sighing.  "Hey, you guys want to stop for lunch in New West?"

"Is it on you?" say I laughing.

"So what else is new!" Carl shouts out from behind the steering wheel, and now we are all laughing together while the tension dissipates.

The Peacock 883

 What about Melissa?"

"She's free to do whatever she wants.  She will have Mom with her at the house, and she is no pushover, so If Robert tries anything he will have my sister to contend with, and we already know how strong she is.

"Then what are you going to do."  I have noticed that Francois has become absorbed in his own thoughts, so the conversation for a while is going to be between Carl and me.

"I am going to live with you.  And I am going to continue to write articles and publish them.  Not that I need the income because everyone knows that I'm loaded.  And by the same token, Chris, if you are comfortable with this, you will not have to work another day of your life.

"I can't be your kept boy", I reply, suddenly laughing because this is all starting to seem hilarious.  "Number one, I am older than you.  Number two, we're not sleeping together.  Number three, I want to work.  I love what I do, and I plan to go on in palliative nursing, at least for the foreseeable future."

"Then what am I going to do with all this money?"  And Carl appears to be trying not to smile.  "I mean, after all the costs and needs of the house, people living 'there, etcetera, I am still going to want to invest the rest of it meaningfully.  Yes, I will be supporting Mom and her two friends as well.  But, how about if I buy all of us a nice big house somewhere?"

"I want to live in my father's house.  And I want both of you to share it with me."

"What about your ex brother in law?"

"Him too.  Him too...

The Peacock 882

 "What would you like to do?" I ask Francois.

"Well, while I was in university studying psychology, in which I have a degree, I worked almost throughout the time in a mental health boarding home.  So, something similar.  Entry level, I suppose."

"Jenn's son is also majoring in psychology", says Carl.  "I hope he comes out here for a visit sometime.  I would like to meet him."

"As would I", says Francois, "As would I."

"What do you think of her marriage to that guy" say I .

"Nothing at all surprising."

"But you don't think she was embellishing at all?"

"Her husband sounds like a typical African patriarchal swine.  And Jenn doesn't embellish.  After sharing space with her almost two years you could say that I have come to know her at least that well."

Francois sounds a little bit pissy right now, and it is hard to blame him.  Carl has not resumed playing the music and this trip has taken on, since our visit with Robert Griffin, a decidedly sombre tone.

"Are you okay with Robert being involved with the house", I ask Carl.

"He will likely take the place over completely.  That's okay. I'm done... 

The Peacock 881

 No hugs have been exchanged, just handshakes.  It is always hard to tell with Robert Griffin. At times he errs on the side of a smarmy clinging limpet when it comes to hugs, but this time, despite his apparently genuine contrition and repentance, appears a little more distant than usual.  As though intentionally maintaining a safe distance in order to calculate.  And he is very calculating, I would say an ace manipulator if ever I have known any.  But such is the treasure chest of a veteran Anglican cleric, and they could easily smooth talk their way all the way through Vegas, Reno and Monte Carlo.  

Once we are all three in the van and back on the open road, Francois is the first to speak.  "I wonder if that guy has ever been genuinely sorry for anything he has ever done in his life?"

"That is hard to say with Robert", says Carl.

"Boy, do I ever concur", say I.

"Well, he's back in the plan again", says Carl, "Which is. I would imagine, why he would stage such contrition."

"You know", say I, "I was raised by an Anglican priest, and he told me himself to never ever trust any expression of regret or repentance when it is coming from a cleric.  And that also went for my father.  They are, some of them, such ace actors, I would say method actors, that some of them could very easily ace an Oscar, a Palm D'Or and a Golden Globe without so much as batting an eyelash."

"We Roman priests are no better", says Francois.  "But still, in  these days of diversity and anti racism and black lives matter, he of course wants to cover his ass, even if his left butt cheek is still exposed..."

"I thought you are an ex priest", says Carl.

"It is going to take a while for this all to sink in for me.  By the way, you guys, I hope you don't mind, but starting tomorrow, I plan to begin a job search.  and if I land anything soon enough, I probably will need to stay on at the house while you guys are all back at the mansion..."

"But don't you already have money?" says Carl.

"That isn't the point.  That really is not the point..."

The Peacock 880

 "We can, of course, all talk about this once they are all here", says Robert.  "And if I am truly forgiven, I would be most honoured to participate in whatever way I can.  Are there still plans to use it as a retreat facility?"

"There remain a lot of unresolved variables", says Carl.  "The place is decidedly haunted and occupied by a presence that is not of God, and this impacts everyone.  Plus, it is on stolen native land, and we need to include my half-sister, who is a member of the Stolo Nation in the conversation."

"You have a half sister?  And she is aboriginal?"

"Long story.  She is our dad's daughter by a local Stolo woman more than thirty years ago.  Her name is Naomi.  We have only just met her, she is a community health nurse, and yesterday she vaccinated all of us against Covid.  You'd like her.  She is a Christian and very very sweet.  By the way, I just found out from mom the other day, that she was mentoring Douglas throughout his time with us.  This is very disturbing news."

"Yes, I do agree, Carl.  Listen, your mother is a marvellous woman, a marvellously gifted Christian, but she has been acquiring over the years some very troubling blind spots.  I am hoping that in a couple of weeks we can all have a good and very thorough conversation about these and other matters..."

The Peacock 879

 "By the way", says Carl to Robert, "My mom arrives in Vancouver this Wednesday.  She is bringing two friends with her."

"Yes", says Robert.  "Frida and John.  Two very excellent people, a couple, from Wisconsin originally.  I also understand they will be quarantining in a hotel for two weeks."

"So you're in touch with her?"

"Almost every day.  She is extremely worried about you and Melissa and how things are getting along at the big house.

"I am going to cede it over to Melissa.  Mom I don't trust so much.  But I'm leaving."

"And where are you going to go?  What are you going to do with yourself?"

"Francois and I are going to be living with Chris in his family home."

"Out at UBC?"

"That's right."

"Wasn't it bequeathed to the diocese?"

"Not exactly", say I.  "My dad stated clearly in his will that they could borrow it for housing purposes, but that it was my house and I had the final say.  It's legally binding.  Plus, their tenants just moved out and so I am taking, or we are taking occupancy.  "

"Robert, I was wondering." says Carl.  "Could you be on hand, please, to help Mom and Melissa at the house, with managing and everything.  I am no longer going to be part of things, and others also are planning to bail..."

The Peacock 878

 We have been here almost half an hour, chatting about pleasantries and making small talk, and this all feels now surprisingly comfortable.  But I also know this is not going to be a long visit, and we have to get into Vancouver.  Robert appears aware of this and says:

"I see you are almost on your way, and I certainly don't want to detain you.  There is just one other thing I was wanting to mention to you.  It is about Douglas.   He was released on bail into my custody.  Well, he has been reported as missing."

"Since when?" says Carl.

"Since four days ago.  He spent only one night here, then the next morning there wasn't hide nor hair of him."

"And the police know this?" says Francois.

"They say they are working on it.  But they also appear at a complete loss..."

The Peacock 867

 Robert Griffin lives in rather a sumptuous looking house just on the outskirts of Mission.  Of course next to the mansion it looks like a shack, but the little house I grew up in with my Dad would also look like a hut next to this place.  Rather than turn onto the driveway, we park at the roadside.

"Coming?" he says to us.

"I think I will", says Francois.  "I have a thing or two to tell the distinguished gentleman."

Robert Griffin greets us, grim face at the front door.  Silently he invites us in.  It is a lovely, spacious and immaculate home, very tastefully decorated.  We are in the sitting room, and Robert comes out with a tray of four steaming mugs of coffee with elegant containers for sugar and cream.

"Let me begin", he says, sitting down in an armchair, by telling all of you, especially you, Father Francois, how dreadfully and awfully sorry I am, and how wrong I was in our last visit.   Especially the nasty racist remarks I made to you, Father Francois.  Please, can you forgive me?"

"We are brothers in Christ, Robert", he responds stirring cream and sugar into his coffee, making an ominous tinkling music while stirring with a silver spoon...

The Peacock 876

 "Hello Robert, this is Carl...Vancouvoerden.  Yes, that Carl.  I didn't get you out of bed did I?.  Well, listen, we're just driving into Mission, that's Christopher, Francois and I, and we thought maybe we'd pay you a little courtesy call.  Yes, that's right.  Okay, we'll be right over."

"Carl", says Francois, "I am not at all comfortable about this."

"You don't have to come in if you don't like.  And neither does Chris.  But I feel that God is telling me that I have to see him.  This should be brief."

"As you wish."

"What do you want to see him about?"

"I am going to see if he is ready to apologize."

"I suppose it's worth a gamble", say I.

"Count me out", says Francois.

"Party pooper!"

Even for me Carl seems to be carrying his nerviness to a new extreme.  I am wondering about persuading Francois to stage a mutiny,  maybe even grab for the keys and one of us can drive instead.  This is definitely not going according to plan...

The Peacock 875

 "There is a hideabed in the office.  He will be comfortable there".

"Hey you guys", says Carl, suddenly.  "I have this really wicked idea."

"Speak", says Francios."  

"We are less than five minutes from Father Griffin's home.  Shall we pay him a courtesy call?"

"Whatever for?" says Francois.  "That white supremacist hypocrite would be the last person I would want to see."

"I understand", says Carl.  "I just feel like intimidating him a bit."

"I say we let sleeping hyenas lie."

"What do you say,Chris."

"Francois is right.  And really, shouldn't we just leave him alone, for a while, maybe for a good long while?"

"Christopher speaks with wisdom."

Carl pulls the van to the side of the freeway.

"What's up", say I.

"I'm going to give him a phone call anyway, and that is something I am not going to do while driving."

"As you wish", I reply, sighing with boredom.

The Peacock 874

 The beat of Latin ska music induces a certain happy delirium and I find myself unfolding like a daisy or marigold turning its face to the summer sun.

Says Francois, "This music makes me want to spend the day sipping cocktails on a beach in the Caribbean."

"And you're a priest?" says Carl, chuckling.

"Was a priest.  Remember, two nights ago I broke the seal of the confessional when I told you guys about that Hutu jerk who came to me for absolution."

"Seriously?"

"Absolutely."

"What is your next move?" I ask.

"I am going to live with both you and Carl in your father's house.  I mean, isn't that obvious."

And yes, it is obvious, and despite the panic that is trying to grip me I feel also a rising and near overwhelming gladness.

"Did you hear that, Carl?" say I.

"Hear it I did.  When is moving day."

"Right now?"

"Okay, but first we have to sort things out with Mommy and her little friends, and your friend from Sweden.  But it's a done deal and I think we should all be ready within the next six weeks or so.  And how about your ex brother-in-law?"

"We have three bedrooms, an office and a den, and they could both be converted into bedrooms quite easily."

"Christopher", says Francios, who still appears on a Christopher basis with me.  "May I ask one thing of you please."

"Sure."

"I was thinking of staying behind at your father's house when the rest of you return to the mansion.  I need time to reshape my life, plus I could help get the house ready for you guys."

"Are you sure, Francois", says Carl.  "It might be a lot of isolation for you.  When were you last on your own."

"Yes, Brother Carl, you are absolutely right.  It was just an idea."

"One day at a time", say I.

"Agreed", says Carl.

"Agreed", says Francios. "One day at a time."

The Peacock 873

 I am in the back seat behind Carl and Francois shares the front with him.  There is another seat behind me, so there should be room for everyone whenever we are all ready to return here together.  Francois was going to take the back seat, and I really don't now why he felt that he had to, so I simply beat him here. I really struggle in some ways when it comes to negotiating space and order with a person of colour.  I imagine that centuries of bigotry and bad treatment and stigma could influence him to instinctively accept an inferior place, but then I have to remind myself that Francois is authentically African.  Or should I say a near first generation Canadian who was conceived in Rwanda, and he carries in his genes and DNA none of the horrors of New World slavery.  But from the recent genocide that nearly took him and his mother both while he was still in her womb who only knows what kind of trauma he would be carrying,  plus I want to sit in the back because I want space and time to think, to reflect, to ponder, to plan and simply to not feel under any pressure to have to carry a conversation.  But I find him comfortably assertive and confident, and see in him a superior being who will teach us, Carl and I both, a  lot.

"Your sister does not want you to leave", says Francois suddenly.

"She isn't that possessive.  But Melissa has Asperger's and that makes her dependent on established routines.  Since I have become the most constant presence in her life, she is going to respond to my leaving for even a few days as a betrayal.  She's always been like that. So that is why I stay in touch with her every day when I'm away, and especially under the current circumstances with things being so upended as they are right now for all of us."

  Just now we are passing the diner, and I can't help but feel a twinge of guilt that we will be depriving them of much needed business during this time away.  I am hoping that Sarah and others pick up the slack anyway and keep going there.

"How about some music", says Carl.  "Maybe something with a little Latin flavour.  Ska Cubano anyone?"

And now the idiosyncratic beat of the most eclectic Latin music I have ever heard is flooding the interior of this van....

The Peacock 872

 I suddenly want to drive my own car, and am on the verge of suggesting that we go separately.  I have to struggle, rather like wrestling with a rabid raccoon.  I know that I have to come back.  I am concerned that I will not want to return.  These six days of complete, condensed madness and dungeons and dragons live is something I really don't want to come back to.  We finish our breakfast and swallow  back our coffee in relative silence, simply exchanging innocuous comments about the weather, and the order and pace of our trip. 

"I'll take care of the dishes", says Melissa when she sees us about to carry our dirty bowls to the kitchen.  "you guys need to get going."

"You don't intend to leave here without saying good bye to me now, do you?"  The voice belongs to Carol who appears still in her pyjamas and sky blue dressing gown.  

 "Oh do pardon my attire", she says, almost faking a curtsy.  I'm still in my jammies.  But this is going to be a lazy day."  And she approaches me, open arms and engulfs me in a big, maternal hug.  "Do take care, Christopher"  And then she embraces both Carl and Francois.

"How long are you going to be away?"

"It could be almost three weeks", say I.  and I can tell she is trying to maintain her composure.  She stiffens.

"Alright", she says, "But when you are able...Do hurry back."

I want to reach out and give Melissa a hug, but something about her contained and enclosed armour of self-protection forbids any demonstrable affection.  Still, I hold out my hand and she takes it and not so reluctantly as I fear.  We say nothing, she looks away and down.  And now we are leaving...

The Peacock 871

 Carl appears in the breakfast room just as I am tucking into my porridge.  It's a grab and go kind of breakfast and only Francois and Melissa are with me at the table  The others all appear to be sleeping in.

"So, Carl", says Melissa as her brother pulls up a chair and sets his bowl of oatmeal in front of him.  "What's this about you guys being away for a couple of weeks."

"The likelihood that Mom and her friends will have to be in quarantine for two weeks.  Covid, you know."

"But couldn't you all just return here and wait till they're done in two weeks."

"I think it's better to be nearby where she's staying, just to see what support I can give her.  You know, delivering food that she likes, or books to read or magazines."

"Fair enough, big brother. Enjoy your holiday"

And Melissa appears to be...sulking?

"I will be in touch every day."

"Fine", she says tersely.

"Mel, you will not be alone here.  And Maureen, Jenn and Sarah are especially good and responsible.  You'll be okay."

"How do you know it isn't you I 'm worried about"

"Big bad Christopher is not going to lead your brother astray."

"Maybe I should be more concerned about Christopher in that case, but that's not what I'm worried about.  When were you last away from here.

"I will also be taking care of your brother, Melissa", says Francois smiling and reaching across to reassuringly touch her forearm.  God will go with us just as he will stay here with you..."

The Peacocl 870

 I have slept surprisingly well.  I tumbled into bed exhausted and now it is just on six am.  I can't stay in bed.  This trip today has me all prepped, primed and pumped.  Such alliteration.  oh well.  So, the plan, the plan today.  Breakfast, then we will be heading out immediately after, say at eight, no later than eight thirty.  Yes, now I am up and there is sun beaming incandescent through the window.  I didn't remember to close the curtains.  But it's just as well.  No one to frighten with my naked body and with the absence of urban light pollution the dark of night is black, silken and absolute.  My, aren't we waxing eloquent this morning.  But today, we will be in my family home, where I haven't been for at least a year, not since I let the church take it over, and now it is suddenly empty, thanks to one homophobic Ugandan who decided to skip the country rather than face the challenges of his irrational fear and hate.

Not a lot of hot water in the shower today but I don't freeze anyway.  Let's see, clean everything today, my red bikini briefs, bluejeans, the looser ones because I want to be comfy.  Red T shirt, just to look snazzy, and sandals without socks, of course.  But sometimes I do happen to wear socks with my sandals, so what's the big deal.  Comfort always trumps over style in my books.  And now here I am all packed and ready to take my suitcase down for breakfast.

Carl has just emerged from his borrowed bedroom, this time naked as the day he was born.  And he is generously endowed and smiles sweetly as he sees me trying not to notice his penis. 

"Good morning Chris.  Shower time", he says chuckling as he heads to the bathroom.

"Don't forget to pack enough for a couple of weeks", say I.

"Righto" he says, not even closing the door as he starts to pee.

The Peacock 869

 "Tomorrow's a big day", says Carl.  "What do you say we turn in for the night?"

"Nothing would please me more", says Francois, yawning.  "Yikes, it's after eleven.

"Carl", say I while getting up from the chair, "What kind of arrangements have been made for everyone to quarantine when they get here."

"Cripes", he says, "I never thought of that..  I assumed they'd be coming straight here."

"They are going to be intercepted and detained by customs, and then put up for two weeks in a hotel at their expense..

"Could they just tell them they're going to be out here in the sticks?"

"They can be nasty", say I.  "Here's the plan.  We should prepare to be away from here for at least seventeen days, just in case, so I recommend that all three of us pack enough clothes with us."

"So much for your retreat", says Carl.

"You call this a retreat?" And now we are all laughing....

The Peacock 868

 "Is that all there is?", says Francois.

Carl begins to sing,in a passably pleasant baritone , "is that all there is, is that all there is.  If that all there is, my friend, then let's keep dancing.  Let's break out the booze and have a ball.  If that's all there is."

"Is that your litany to Peggy Lee'" says Lazarus, chuckling, and it is strange to even see him smile, and such a pleasant change.

"That's all folks", say I.

"I am so relieved that you invited us to hear this, Chris", says Jason.  "So much is making sense now."

"Do you know what I think?" says Carl.

"That Kenny may still be alive?" say I.

"That is exactly what I am thinking.  Chris, when your friend arrives here from Sweden in a couple of days, he is going to have some explaining to do."

"That he is", I concur, "That he is."

The Peacock 867

 I just learned that Lindstrom is in the mental hospital annex at the Dettwiller Centre on the campus.  Our talk over coffee yesterday was, of course very revealing.  And what really scared me is how much it all resonates with me.  I asked why he seemed to have power over me except for when Harriet took over.  He said he doesn't know but every time I turned into Harriet he felt suddenly drained of power and force and had to run away for his own safety.  It is also clear now that it isn't just that Lindstrom has this power over me, but there is this force between us that seems to alternate in intensity, and he has admitted that he feels at least as much under my power as I do under his.  Which is very telling.  Anyway, I'm going to see if Christopher can come with me to visit him.  I would really like to get his angle on this. I thought of Jim, but somehow this just doesn't seem like a good fit  There is so much that I am unable to tell him right now.  Well, I am really tired from all this intensity, so I think it's sleepy time soon....

The Peacock 866

 We found a small two bedroom flat near the university.  We had a housing allowance, since I was also there under the guise of research and education, and it was all very affordable.  Greta and I continued to meet for lunch once a week even though we were also living in the same apartment, but not as a couple.  That was a card that we simply were not prepared to play between us, and to this day I don't think either of us regrets this.  Greta has recently returned to Sweden, but I am still living there, and if you wish, I would be happy to have you over for a cup of coffee sometime, Kenny.  We saw you in the neighbourhood, and I think this would have been just a little before the time when you moved back in with your friends.  Greta and I knew in an instant that you were one of us, and that you are also my son.  That was when I trailed you downtown.  Fortunately I had been given a car allowance.  And I saw you in the district where the sex workers stand, but for some reason you were not dressed like a woman,  but in ordinary boy's attire, a T shirt and blue jeans.  Remember, you came into my car, and we went to the Hotel Vancouver, where I hoped we could talk privately in one of the rooms there.

Sven, I said, I was dressed as Cassandra that night.

He insisted that I was wearing men's clothing.  And he might have been right, because I did sometimes work as a boy.

He went on to tell me that because we were both chosen, and because of the many problems we both lived with that our memories were not going to be reliable.  And that also happened later in the forest where I spent the night.  We had not taken off our clothes, he hadn't even stuck around, it was all a hallucination.  and likewise when I thought he had taken me to his penthouse apartment downtown.  There was no penthouse apartment.  I had been walking in a delusional state....

The Peacock 865

 I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown following their death  I broke everything off with Jens and went on a year long sabbatical.  Curiously, Greta and I continued with our weekly meetings over lunch.  She even visited me almost every day during the two weeks I was hospitalized for depression and hallucinations.  She showed incredible compassion, in her emotionally detached way, but then she asked me to please be patient with her in this regard because she has Asperger's Syndrome.   She was also considered one of the most brilliant and promising students, not only in her field of environmental sciences, but also in the entire university.  We never talked about the old couple, or the kid, or the refuge.  Then, one day, she said she had been offered a place in a special course in Vancouver at UBC.  She would be away for four months.  And then she invited me to join her.  I couldn't refuse.  and, Kenny, that would be the first time you came to our attention, because even though you were also at the time engaged in street prostitution, you were still studying the same course in the same program as Greta...