Surviving The Fall, 36

First, the opening stanzas to a famous Leonard Cohen song. (pardon the lack of formatting, Gentle Reader. Microsoft's sin, not mine!).......... They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom For trying to change the system from within I'm coming now, I'm coming to reward them First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin I'm guided by a signal in the heavens I'm guided by this birthmark on my skin I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin...................... I first heard those words, I think, back in 1986, or so, When Jennifer Warrens released an album of her interpretation of some of the songs of Leonard Cohen. Those words have long resonated with me. Of course there is also the subtext of terrorism implied in these lyrics, of vengeance and a kind of anger turned into rage that will not be abated. I have given up on trying to change the system, from within or without. I haven't been silenced, but I do like to think that I am parsing my words and stewarding my energy with the wisdom of my rapidly approaching old age. After years of working within a system that thrives on its own stubborn bureaucratic rigidity (Kafkaesque, maybe?) I simply shut up now and do my job. But I still do everything I can to motivate my clients towards autonomy, dignity and self-actualization, since my bosses have clearly defaulted on this most elemental responsibility to people receiving mental health services. I am also lucky that I have a lot of coworkers and supervisors who think the same as I do. It makes things less lonely and desperate. So, despite this anger that has been smouldering in me to a white-hot wrath, I am not about to take up weapons. I am not going to start an insurrection, everybody can still feel safe around me. I am using this anger as a fire of personal transformation. This anger has made me strong, and I will continue to use this as an energy transmogrified into love.............................. I am reading right now a fascinating novel, a thriller, actually. It is in Spanish translation, originally written in Italian by Valerio Massimimo Manfredi. Now a moment please, while I listen to this segment on the radio about white collar crime.............It wasn't that interesting. Anyway, this novel, published in 1990, deals with an archeologist in Greece who discovers an ancient Mycenaean vase and all hell breaks loose. it is 1973 and there are student riots in Athens against the brutal military dictatorship at the time. A young woman is raped and murdered in custody, her Italian boyfriend beaten and tortured and their companions, one French and one English are also cruelly implicated. Ten years later, the Italian, presumed dead, wreaks havoc in Greece as he returns to systematically and brutally bump off all the Greek military and police officials implicated in his girlfriend's murder, and he is helped by a leading figure in the Greek secret service. I am just a little more than halfway through the novel. I picked it up in a second hand bookstore in Alajuela, when I was last in Costa Rica three months ago. I must have paid the equivalent of one dollar for it. I had never heard of this writer before, and, really, I am always on the lookout for interesting reads in Spanish to help strengthen my fluency. This one is unputdownable. It also has me thinking about this whole idea of anger and revenge and vindication. I cannot endorse this fictional character's actions, but I do sympathize. I know the cry for vindication. I have heard it get ripped out from my lungs many times already. But I have already decided that vengeance is never a solution to the bigger problems at hand. I can only use this anger to change myself, and to effect whatever small influence in the world that I live in. If applied wisely, strategically and with great compassion for others, I think that this will in time become a winning and indomitable force. I have faith.