Holy Grumble

I had a conversation with God this morning.  I often have conversations with God.  Several times daily.  Still with me?  No, this is not a diagnosis.  I am not on meds, don't need 'em.  This does not make me special, but yes, I do feel blessed.  God speaks.  All the time.  To all of us, whether we listen or not.  He has many ways of speaking, as many different ways as there are people who will hear him.  I was having what I call a holy grumble.  I felt annoyed and I told him (sorry, I do not refer to God in the feminine.  I don't believe that he is a man, either, but that he is above and transcendent of gender, but the English language does not have a personal pronoun, singular, that is gender neutral and I am not going to call him "it".  It is what it is.  He is what he is.  She is what she is.)

Now about my holy grumble de jour.  I am preparing for a visit to Colombia.  I will be in the capital city, Bogota, for one month.  It's coming fast.  I'll be there in three weeks.  My first time.  I feel nervous, anxious and antsy about this, as well as not knowing how much I can trust the owners of the establishment where I will be staying.  I cannot find this house on Google Map.  There is no street view.  It is tucked somewhere behind a park and I am at times beset with the terror that this place does not exist and that when I arrive in Bogota I will be left hanging in the airport with nowhere to go unless airport staff can help me connect to another hotel.  I know that I'm not being scammed for money, given that they have asked me to pay in cash when I arrive.  There also appear to be plenty of images and comments all over the internet about this place, almost everything positive.  So...what me worry?

I said to God this morning during my holy grumble that it is very hard for me to trust him given how many times he has let me down and how many times and how grievously I have suffered for trying to do his will.  So I said to God that, no, I am not going to trust him because he is not at all trustworthy.  There was silence for a minute or two before he answered.  Now, I did not see a vision, or hear a voice or hear words being spoken in my head.  It was more a clear sense that I was being communicated something important and it was not just coming from my head.  If I were to put this into words it might read like this: "Who made you?"  I couldn't answer.  But I have repented of not trusting God given that it is to him that I owe my very existence.

When I arrive in Bogota I will remember that I am stepping forth in Jesus' name.  I will try to recall that I have been called here for reasons yet unclear to me.  I will also trust that whatever bridge I will need to cross will be in place when I need to cross it and not a moment sooner.  I will also trust that no matter what hard lessons I might have to learn there that these will be lessons that I have to learn and I will be eternally grateful that it happened. 

I will take joy in the journey.