It is interesting how much our employment can so dominate and control our lives that it becomes our lives. I don't even work a full forty hour week, yet in the evenings I'm whacked. Instead of going to evening social events I arrange to meet friends for coffee or a bite to eat usually no later than 6, after work, assuring me that I can comfortably get home by 8 and roll into bed nice and early.
I've also learned the hard way how much involvement in church can negatively impact the quality of my work in my day job. This really came to my attention during my involvement for more than six years in my neighbourhood Anglican parish church. I was not a good "fit" in this parish and often felt sidelined and excluded by what turned out to be a church full of superannuated high school cliques. This became for me very painful at times, so painful as to be at times traumatizing, given that I am very much alone in the world.
I soon discovered a pattern. Whenever something went south for me at church problems would very quickly follow at work. It turned into an indelible pattern. And always in that order. I almost got fired, unconsciously transferring my problems with my parish family onto my colleagues and coworkers at work. I also discovered that when I took lengthy vacations from church the quality of my work would appreciate noticeably.
Now Anglicans don't tend to believe much in having a personal relationship with Christ. It's all about the church, the institution. (I don't believe in this by the way) Our relationship with God is vetted through our relationship with the church. If we are in relation with God, it is expected that we will attend Sunday eucharist every week and do everything we can to participate and volunteer our time and energy. I am not saying here that Anglicans don't have a personal relationship with Christ, many do, but they tend to keep quiet about this because it is simply not done. The frenzy of participation and volunteer work at the church is supposed to energize us spiritually and prepare us for our week of work, family and whatever else for the next six days of the week.
I only wish this were really so. For me church is not refreshing or restorative. For me church is exhausting. Having also to deal with dysfunctional adults with bad attitudes who often are pillars in the church simply complicates things.
Like my recent experience with the choir. Under pressure from almost everyone in my new parish church I agreed to join the choir. I didn't enjoy one single minute, felt worked like a horse and also was irritated beyond return by two choir members, one with a tendency of making misogynistic comments about women, the other a nasty bitch who must always have her way. These are also considered very important people in the church so, cross them at your peril.
During this difficult period with choir things really began to go south for me at work. Receiving nothing in the way of support at church and much in the way of exhaustion I watched in wonder as some very critical aspects of my support network at work began to blow up in my face.
I am much better now. I have left the choir and named the two individuals causing me stress. I have also decided to decline any further active participation in the services. I will simply attend, take my communion, say the appropriate responses and say hi and chat with people during the coffee hour.
Church does not pay my bills.
Church is not my relationship with God. These are two very distinct and separate entities. And you know something? From now on they are going to stay this way.
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