Life As Performance Art 173

It is hard getting anything done when you have never been adequately connected. Talent and ability seem to count for very little. Hard work, too. None of those elements are going to help us move forward if we are not already socially and professionally connected. Which is why a blandly handsome mediocrity such as Justin Trudeau got to be prime minister four years ago. It's all in the pedigree. If you start with nothing, then you don't necessarily end with nothing, just not with a lot. Still, my brother did better than me, a lot better, and we did have the same kind of upbringing, more or less. Of course, he was favoured by his father and was always popular in school and always had zillions of friends. Unlike me. He already had advantages that I lacked, so, I was left floundering while he went on to be a local, and very well-paid, celebrity in radio broadcasting. Me, I struggled along earning a low wage as a professional caregiver and living in a cheap basement apartment. By the way, my brother has always hated me. We haven't seen each other in twenty years and I no longer care. I don't want in my life people who despise me. The last time I saw my father, some years before he died, he admitted to me that the reason he didn't help me financially was because he was subsidizing my brother's coke addiction. Way to go, Dad! I am not surprised that you never wanted to see me after that little confession. I later found out from someone who once worked with him that my brother was every bit the cruel, sadistic and psychopathic bully towards others that I had grown up with. He actually honed his skills on me when he used to beat the shit out of me. So, no envy here, Gentle Reader. My life has always been focussed on serving God. My brother has always been totally consumed with serving himself. Another reason for my lack of success, since that is not one of the things that Jesus promises those who follow him, rather lives of suffering, poverty and rejection from others, but also lives full of joy, love and peace, so it's still a worthy tradeoff. My frustration is having a lot of paintings that I don't know what to do with. I have been roundly rejected and ignored by galleries, and I have neither the time or the energy to promote my own work. My own church isn't even interested. I asked the archbishop, since she had nothing but praise when she saw some of my work, but really turns up her nose at the idea of the diocese buying any of my paintings. Not even as a token for the way her colleagues drove me into a series of nervous breakdowns rendering me for a while unemployable and homeless. Probably, she really doesn't like my art at all, but was simply being nice about it, which is the Anglican concept of kindness. Be nice, for thy father (or divine parent) in heaven is nice. Uh-huh. It seems that I'm still on my own. Even if I have been given a token apology and a very modest payout, I still cannot trust anyone in this church. She, the archbishop, did suggest a couple of individuals, my priest and the former priest at St. Faith's, for pastoral support, but I really don't think they are capable and, besides, I don't feel that I can trust any of them, and trust is essential in a pastoral relationship. Getting a spiritual director is out of the question, too, since Anglican spiritual directors expect monetary payment for their services and this goes so contrary to the spirit and teachings of the Gospels, that I am not even going to consider this as an option. I have brought this up, by the way, and no one seems prepared to answer. Typical, eh? Neither the priest or the archbishop seem to like the way I write my blog, either, because I'm not always nice. My priest has also tried to actually tell me what I should and should not write ion these pages. I told her, too bad, I'm not changing anything. I am writing the truth and if they can't handle it, then they can just go away for all I care. I don't trust anyone in this church, and likely never will, since so far, what I have seen has been so deceptive, disappointing and wounding. I also have reason to believe that I am looked down upon because of my poverty and other crap that has stigmatized me. Oh, they would never admit any of this. That wouldn't be nice! I just go there to worship God with others and perhaps make some new friends. My priest has reassured me at least, that so far I haven't written anything litigious on these pages, which to me comes across as a veiled threat. I responded in an email, yeah, wait till the media gets hold of it, should you guys decide to take me to court. " Wealthy Christian Denomination To Sue Low Income Senior." Just the kind of optics that I'm sure the Anglican Church of Canada would love! I'm sure we will get through this eventually. They are not bad people, but I still haven't received justice for what I have suffered from this church and I am going to go on reminding them until they do something about it.